lost in my mind

             I quietly took a deep breath and submerged under water and swam over to max's body until I was directly underneath him. i put my hands on his back and flipped him over. ''hey!!" he said laughing. he splashed water at me and i splashed back and before i knew it he had his arms around me in a bear hug "jerk" her muttered "aww whats the matter you mad cause i snuck up on on you?" i pouted sarcastically. we swam back to shore and got as dry as we could, after all we where at a party and Bella and Felix are bound to be looking for me. he ran his fingers through his wet hair and lead me through the forest. i didn't know what it was about him but he made my mind go numb and my heart race. and it irritated me so i forced myself to try and push the feelings away.

             "you know you look beautiful tonight" I blushed. no one's ever called me beautiful before "thanks" i replied sheepishly. he lead me out of the last thicket of bushes before we where back in the yard of the party. we walked into the house and it was complete chaos. everyone was either drunk or half naked.... or both. i suddenly missed max's paradise. Bella and Felix came running down the stair case Bellas face was pale. she spotted me in the croud and relaxed alittle. she stomped up to me. "where the heck were you?!"  "uhhh well i umm...." i didn't know what to say.i didn't want to tell her about the lake or the stars. i felt like that was a place for only max and i.  "she was with me, sorry for any worries" max replied with a sly smile on his face and he winked at me.

          Felix gave me a questioning look but i just rolled my eyes. "we gotta go soon terra" Bella urged "yeah its already 2 a.m" felix said tiredly. i was shocked. how long had max and i been gone ? then my heart sank. what if my mom was home? leave it to her to ruin my fun. "okay ill meet you at the car in 30 minutes?" "okay" my head was spinning. i really didn't want to go home. Max grabbed my waist and pulled me against him. i was confused but at the same time i liked it. "come upstairs with me?" max asked. the feel of his warm breath against my ear sent shivers down my spine "umm sure" i felt so helpless when it came to him wich was alittle discomforting since he doesn't know me and i barely know him... he guided me upstairs into an empty room and sat down on the bed. he motioned for me to sit. i sat down " i had fun with you tonight terra so since tomorrow is saturday... do you want to hang out again tomorrow?" i had to think for a second but i did have fun with him so why not ? "sure max" he grinned at me and gave me his number

             "well Bella and felix are waiting for me so i should go" "okay ill see you tomorrow" he winked at me and i laughed and walked out the door. i shoved my way out through the croud of drunken teenagers. i didnt want to go home but if i was..... there was no way in hell i was going to be sober  so i grabbed three bottles of wine from under the cabinet in the kitchen and stuffed them into a plastic bag and i grabbed a cup that was sitting on a the food table. i filled with some kind of fruity alcohol from a big punch bowl and    took a long sip of it. i finaly got to the door and stumbled my way out and to the car. with my cup in hand and wine bottles in the bag and jumped into the car. "are you okay terra?" felix asked concerned "just drive" i whispered "so i see you spent the party with max" bella said with eyebrows raised it made me laugh "shut up bells nothing happened we just  hung out" "did you get his number?" i just blushed and looked down "OH MY GOD YOU DID!!!!!" "its not a big deal guys" i rolled my eyes "yes it is! it means you have this thing called social skills!!" felix said sarcastically "shut up!" i reached over and turned up the radio to drown out their voices for the rest of the car ride. we pulled up to my house and my heart dropped down to my stomach. but i knew i couldnt avoid it. i grabbed my bag and started walking to the door "bye guys" i waved at them and they looked worried but i gave them a half hearted reassuring smile and opened the door quietly and crept into my room.

           i sat on the floor leaning up against the wall feeling numb, the lights where off so the only light in the room was comming from the moon shining through my window. i reached for my bag and took a long swig from the wine bottle its sweet taste warmed my throat as i swallowed it. my mind slowly starting to fog,i reached for my ipod on top of my bed and shoved my earphones into my ear and put on my favorite song somebody else by sleeping with sirens as the slow strum of the guitar started and the lead singers voice filled my ears i quietly sang along "i changed my clothes again this morning i dont like the way i look today, and everytime i look in the mirror i look for someone else's face, cuz i hate the way i feel i hate this man that ive become i wanna fight myself i know that its not worth it, i step outside again its raining on my clothes on my face in my way i wanna be somebody else i dont like what ive become i dont like who ive become somebody else i dont like who ive become i wanna be somebody else someone stronger, smarter, wiser someone to take this heart and make it new now"  tears slowly ran down my face. i took another long drag from the bottle, my body shaking, sitting there feeling nothing music still blring in my ears

          i got up and stashed the other two wine bottles for another day and crawled onto my air matress and chugged the last half of the sweet alcohol. i laid down drunk with my hair in my face looking out of my window feeling satisfied i drifted into sleep. i dreamt bout max and i at the lake but my dream was innterupted by the sound of screaming. i shot up and listened and i heard the scream again "MOM!!!?" i got up and ran out of my room into my moms room. i turned on the light and horrified i see a man on top of her with his fingers wrapped around her neck. her eyes rolling back into her head struggling for her last breath. "get off of her!" i scream at the man. his gaze locks on me as he smiles and lets go of my mom nd starts to make his way over to me. "well who is this?" he said sneering at my mom whos gasping and shaking. he laughs and looks at me with thirst in his eyes. he roughly grabs my face in his hands "dont touch me!" i pushed him away from me. he came back at me grabbing my hair in his hands and yanking me to him. i cried in pain. "just like your mommy" he forced his lips to mine forcing his toung into my throat, it tasted like booz and cigaretts, i struggled against him. filled with pure anger i punched him in the jaw and he was stunned long enough for me to get up and run. i ran back to my room and grabbed the empty wine bottle. " where are you little bitch?!"  the man scremed furiously.

              just then he swung my door open and grabbed my hair again and threw me to the ground and punched me in the eye. i screamed in pain. he got on top of me and whispered in my ear "there now we're even" he forced his disgusting lips back to mine and started to tug at my shirt. my mind was still foggy from the alcohol and i couldnt find the strength to fight him anymore. in a last effort i deciided i needed to destract him so i moaned "thats more like it" he said satisfied and yanked off my pants. i reached for the empty wine bottle making sure he was still destracted. and i smashed the bottle over his head. his body went limp and i threw him off of me. i went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. my eye was swolen, my lip was busted. bruises all over my body and  my hair was a mess. my green eyes where filled with fear and i started to shake with tears in my eyes i went ino my mothers room " what the hell is wrong with you!? you almost got us killed!" she laughed clearly drunk "relax terra he was just playing" "are you really that stupid?! he was choking you!' "yeah,yeah terra get me a beer" "skrew you mom," i said angrily "thats it you ungratefull skank!" she screamed at me "yeah im the skank who brings home men everytime i come home!" i screamed back. she tackled me and started hitting me adding more pain to my bruises and cuts. i threw her off of me and got up and ran to my room