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⚠️ ᔕI᙭⚠️

(TW: Su!c!dal and negative thoughts)

I don't know if the world's so unfair or if I'm just lucky.

Should I even think of myself as lucky?

Should I feel thankful that I was able to dodge a bullet?

Should I be grateful for the fact I'm still alive?

I attended all of them.

I attended all their funeral. I tried to attend to all of them with all awareness that the fall of their family member was my responsibility. The nerve of my face if I didn't pay my respect.

I met the relatives of Naoto. His mother and sister are both kind and lovely. His father... I remembered his father.

Tachibana-san.

He was the one who assigned me to Yamada-san. No wonder Naoto was familiar when I first met him.

After paying my respect, I ask Yamada-san if I'm allowed to take a break from work for a bit. To my surprise, he said that I may not attend work as long as I'm fully recovered from my mourning stage. He was also devastated by what happened, but he can't leave work.

He mentioned these events usually happen when you're a police officer. I overreact to it maybe it's because it's my first time experiencing losing a team and a friend. As time goes by, I'll just have to get used to it.

He told me that since Sai and I were the only ones remaining under his supervision, and I was still not working properly after what had happened, he would let Sai do some of my work for a while.

It's so weird the fact that Sai's doing all the work like a normal day. He's close to them, but is he unaffected by the loss of his coworkers?

Does he not care?

The audacity of him if he doesn't.

But who am I to care?

Who fucking cares?

My sister had already called out for me, but I didn't answer. She would assume that I'm sleeping.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to work. But I kept typing, searching, and clicking until I came across something that could be used as proof.

My half-opened eyelids are already getting heavier, but they're fixed on the white blank screen of my laptop, which has crashed again.

Out of irritation, I rose, and slammed the screen shut and shoved it away till it dropped roughly on the floor. I couldn't control myself as I shoved all of the file documents on my table onto the floor. I kicked my chair until it toppled over.

My eyes were again flooded with tears as I walked slowly towards the wall and leaned against it till I sat on the floor. I ran my hand through my hair till I was purposefully pulling it out.

I don't give a shit about anything anymore.

I don't care if I'm isolating myself in my room.

I don't care if I stink.

I don't care if I lose weight because I'm losing appetite.

I don't care if I lack sleep.

I don't care if I'm already overthinking.