Dear Daisy- Journal for Unconventional Thoughts

Cassie 4/26/15

Dear Daisy,
Love is one giant ticking time bomb. Love is some sort of toxic poison that creeps into your bloodstream, seeping to every inch of your body, making its way into your heart and mind. It is your reasoning for doing many things you wouldn't do under normal circumstances. You find yourself going down a path that will make you insane. It makes you think things that aren't necessarily true. For example: you would dive in front of a bullet for them.
I find myself in too many toxic relationships. My father tears me down. He expects me to be a skinny little thing like his new wife and her daughter. He also expects me to become a nurse, ever since I was a tiny nugget, etc. He exhibits seven of eight signs of a toxic relationship.
My ex-best friend is also a prime example. She exhibits all eight signs of a toxic relationship. She uses verbal abuse, makes small digs at me all the time. She expects me to be her because if I'm not, she won'tme.
Also, my older sister shows all eight of these signs. She tears me down in every way imaginable. She makes me feel small and she enjoys it. She destroys me in every way.
And yet, I find myself loving them anyways. Love is toxic. You give and give, but you will never receive on the same level. Nobody will reciprocate any feeling you have towards them exactly. Never. And if you think they do, they are most likely cheating on you (check their call logs. I dare you). This world is full of unrequited love and emotions.
Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth the hassle. If life and the pretense of love is actually going to pay off. But I already know the answer. It wont. Look how it turned out for my parents. They hate each other, used us as weapons for years. Our minds were battle grounds. All four children in my family.
My father treats his new wife as his slave. Get me this, get me that. Clean this when you get back from work, you need to do this, etc. She isn't his equal. And they fight. A lot.
And even worse, her children are little shits. I chide you not. Her daughter is a spoiled brat who cries whenever she doesn't get things her way. And her son is an animal. He has ADD or ADHD or something. It makes him absolutely crazy. And furthermore, the daughter is thirteen, (the worst age possible), and her son is ten, (the age where you think they would be more mature but are the exact opposite and act like bossy entitled shits).
I have to spend every Thursday, Wednesday (once a month), Monday (in the summer), and every other weekend starting Friday at 6:00 until 7:00 Sunday night. My dad says he loves them, but I think my father is incapable of positive emotions. He didn't even cry when my grandmother was put into hospice care. They were going to make her comfortable while she died. But she is still here. My second mother is still here. Just like she was almost every day of my childhood. She had a little house in Cape Cod with an amazing garden and a toy shed all our own. We spent all but Christmas Eve at her house. She is the most amazing lady to walk this earth. She has been through so much as a person, and she is extremely strong because of it.
But somehow I think I am going to die before she does. I don't want her to feel the pain of losing me, her sunshine girl. But if I am going to be ridding myself of this earth, I don't want to know the pain of losing the one person who really understood. The one who snuck me chocolates as a baby (and because of this, I blame her for my sweet tooth), and brushed my hair and took me to the mall and the movies. The one I watched "Little House on the Prairie" with.
She is one of the extremely limited people I had the pleasure to "love." And soon, she will be taken from me.
Like everything else I have known.
-Cass