Dear Daisy- Journal for Unconventional Thoughts

Cassy 4/27

Dear Daisy-
It's not that you couldn't save me, that you weren't able to talk me out of it. There was nothing you could do. I made sure of that. I hid my emotions well, you could never truly see what I was feeling. You might have seen glimpses, but you could never understand the depth of it.
You couldn't comprehend the things I felt or couldn't feel. I dint think even I could understand most of the time. There was one emotion I could never describe, but if I had to try, it would be this:
Empty. Almost numb, but you could feel it in such a way that you could never forget. It was a longing for the end, a craving that couldn't ever be satisfied in this life. It tears at your insides like a monster, and you could never escape it.
These days, I have felt the need to do everything I can before I end my life. Things like sex, drugs, fall in love, alcohol, get my heart broken (over and over), make someone understand, things like this are all on a sad attempt at a bucket list. I want you to understand that I haven't done anything like this before. I want you to understand that I haven't experienced or lived in any moments were you only dream about. Where you feel like you are flying and your feet don't touch the ground, but it's okay. You are in such a high off of life that you don't realize how far you have gone until you crash. But when you do, it's horrible. That indescribable feeling creeps back in. Haunts you.
It's your problem if you don't understand. If you can't grasp what I am saying, it's alright. If you can, you most likely can't. Not to the level I have. You will never understand. No matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you read this, and no matter how many professionals you might see to help you understand, you wont. I'm not suggesting that you try to understand, because you will only end up like me, or as close as you can get to it. Please don't care, I don't want you to. I know that while I was alive, you never did. You would have said yes more, or tried to connect with me or not have beat me up so many times. So I know that if you tell people you did, you are only lieing to yourself and to others. It's okay, really. It just makes it easier for you to let go of me. It also makes my hob easier.
I was never meant to last this long in life anyways.
-Cass