Bucketloads of Regret

London

I made an excuse not to see James that night.  He thought I must be staying the night with Simon.  I assured him that I wasn't.  But he knew it couldn't be good news.  I saw him the next morning. 

"You cheated on me, didn't you?" he said angrily.

"No I didn't.  But I have to be honest with you.  I really like Simon and it's just not fair on you."

"I knew this would happen.  That's why I didn't want you to go.  We've been having such a good time all week."

I nodded but I thought he doesn't know I've been thinking of Simon all week.

"We need to break up."  I said.

James anger turned to tears.  

"But I even gave up my job to be with you."

"No you didn't. You said there were other reasons like a pay increase." I said shocked at his comment.

"I said that so you wouldn't feel pressured" James sobbed. "This is like Justine all over again."

Oh God!  I was being compared to Justine now.  James liked to call her "Justine the bitch".

"You can't surely want to be with me when I am considering being with another man?!"

"Yes I do, well no, I don't, er... I don't know." cried a confused James. 

I went over to him and gave him a hug.  A long drawn out hug which he accepted.  Then I made my excuses and left. Left him to cry it out.  He was a big softie.  I thought I could probably get back together with him if I wanted at some point in the future.  He'd probably take me back if things didn't work out with Simon.  Which I know wasn't the point, but it felt comforting to me to think that way. 

I had to get a new job, in London. 

I searched the internet for coding jobs in London.  I had a little bit of experience now but I would still need to go for a starter role.   At least I'd have more to say at the interviews.  I found several jobs advertised, and some were in Wandsworth, where Simon lived.  That would be handy I thought.  I applied for as many as I could find.  I got a few interviews and did quite well at them I thought.  But I got turned down from all of them.  I thought perhaps it was because I wasn't living in London.  I was in Paddock Wood.  Several of the interviewers had mentioned the journey.  But lots of people commute so I thought it would be okay.  Perhaps they didn't like my dress sense or my haircut.  I would have to keep trying.  I couldn't move to London without a job unless Simon said I could live with him and I knew he wasn't keen on me being so needy on him. 

Simon and I had been messaging.

"So have you done the deed?" texted Simon.

"Yes I have been awfully cruel to someone who was very sweet."

"Weren't you cruel to get involved with him in the first place."  Simon was right.  It was not part of my plan to get Simon back to pick up a man along the way.  Unless I fell in love of course.  And I wasn't in love with James. 

"How's the job hunting going?"

"Not so good, Simon, no one wants me."

"It's not true that no one wants you." pinged back Simon.

Was he flirting with me?  He did this. He made comments that were vague but could be construed as him flattering me.  Or was he still talking about James?

"How about Nicola? Are you still seeing her?"

"No, I've told her I need some space."

I couldn't believe it.  He'd actually broken it of with her, I presumed for me. 

"So do you want to meet up again?  Now we are both free and single?" I asked.

"Why not?  Seems like a grand plan." said Simon.

"Do you want to come to my place?" I asked.

"Sure, let's see the old flat.  Make sure you clean the sheets!"

"Whhhhaaaattt?!" I texted, "That's a bit presumptuous."

"I just don't want any rotten James smells emanating from your bedroom while I'm there." 

"We didn't actually do anything at my place if that's not giving you too much information, but I'll clean the sheets anyway in case I'm smelly."

"There's a good girl." said Simon.  The cheek of him.  Sometimes I wondered why I'd fallen for him so hard. 

"By the way I have a few friends looking for house mates in London, so if you do find yourself a job, let me know."

That was a relief, at least I knew that if I got a job I would be able to get a house mate without it being a complete stranger.  At least they would know Simon.   So it was back to the drawing board.  I applied for some more jobs in London.  Not just coding jobs, but anything with a salary that meant I could live in London.  

This time someone wanted me.  I got a job as a data entry administrator in Wandsworth.  It was perfect.  I told them I was able to move to London as soon as I got the job, this time, which I think helped.  Everything was coming together.  The next step was moving to London and then things might finally work with Simon.

"I got a job, Simon" I called him on the phone.

"Oh that's brilliant!" said Simon. "Do you need me to find you a place to live now?"

"Yes please!" I said.  "The job's in Wandsworth, so as close to that as you can find, Simon."

"Wandsworth hey?  Are you stalking me?!"

"Just a bit."  I say. 

"I'll see you on the weekend." he says.

I'd completely forgotten he was coming to my place in a couple of days.  I did a quick clean up and did wash my sheets just in case!  You never know.

Two days later he was knocking at my door.  I was so excited.  I opened the door and this time he actually gave me a big smile.  He'd brought a bottle of whiskey and a box of chocolates and a bag.  

"What's the bag for?" I asked

"Well I can't drink and drive, I was hoping an old mate would let me stay over.  On the sofa of course."

"Of course. Of course you can stay." I said excitedly.  Secretly hoping that he would actually be staying in my bed with freshly clean sheets.