In All the Numbness (A Raylo Fanfic)

3. Hidden Things

Ben tore his way into his courters, wracking his brain for a place to hide to hide the helmet. He didn't want Rey to come in the middle of the night, having sensed another nightmare, and find it just sitting on the table.

If she saw the helmet, he would have to make up some story to cover the truth. He didn't know what he could possibly say to explain it.

He scanned the room, looking for anywhere he could hide it. The only place that stuck out to his was behind the large plant that had been in the corner of his room since before he'd gotten there. It wasn't the best place, but it would have to work. He slipped the helmet behind the pot, ruffling the leaves to make it look untouched.

Ben stepped back, looking at the plant from half way across the room out of the corner of his eye. It didn't stand out to him.

He let himself relax for the first time since the morning. The silence rang in his head. He had grown to appreciate it, being able think without fighting to hear his own anxiety drenched thoughts over the others, but in times like this it was lonely.

The voices had left after Rey healed him, only being replaced with the memory of his father for a moment. The loneliness tried to creep in as soon as the lightsaber left his fingers, but he had his resolve to find Rey and the Force to guide him. Now there was nothing.

Something moved behind him, making his entire body go stiff. He whipped around, met by nothing but his messy room.

And to think, earlier he had thought he was getting used to being walked up on.

It was still there, on the floor behind the bed. It squeaked and made a distressed noise, whatever it was.

He grabbed the lightsaber, ready to activate it in an instant, and crept toward the bed. With each step closer the image of the thing jumping out at him grew clearer in his imagination.

A porg.

Relief echoed through his empty mind, letting his shoulders relax.

The fuzzy ball of orange and brown shook a green lizard with a vengeance. It must have been the first meal the stupid thing had found since it followed them off the Falcon.

Ben stuck the lightsaber back in its place and bent down beside the animal.  Watching as it swallowed its prey whole, he wondered what it felt like in the Force. Did it have a warmth to it like most people did? Did it make little waves in the Force as it moved about?

He stuck his hand out to it, letting it smell him. It rubbed its soft head against his scared hand like it was completely unaware of what horrible things he had done with it.

"You've made a friend." Rey's sweet voice came from the doorway.

"I–"

Sharp teeth dug into his finger. Without thinking, he reached out in the Force and pushed the thing away. Or so he thought. The stinging pain of its chewing remained.

He pulled his finger away from the thing, cringing at the pain.

"I thought Chewie killed them all," Ben said, holding his now bleeding finger.

"I did too." She said with a giggle.

She moved through the room and crouched down beside him. Reaching out to the thing, she stroked the side of its face. The porg leaned into her hand as she did.

Ben studied her, the way her face relaxed. Her eyes closed and the tension released from her brow. Even though he couldn't feel it within her, she had a peace in her that was leaking out into the room. It dampened the storm within him as he took it in.

Without warning, her expression changed. Her eyes popped open and her jew set with nerves he couldn't feel.

"He wants to see you." She said.

"Who?" A little anxiety shot through Ben's chest.

"Chewie," she looked over to Ben, studying his reaction. "He asked when you were coming to the Falcon."

"I don't know," Ben let out with a sigh.

The image of Chewie's horrified face as Ben held the lightsaber through his father's chest flashed through his mind. His horrified screaming came next. That was the last time Ben had seen him.

"This is the fourth time he's asked me." Rey's voice tore Ben out of the memory.

Ben sat down, his back against the bed and Rey in front of him. The weight of the memory– of what he'd done– felt like it rested fully on his shoulders.

"I feel the guilt inside you." She said, her sincere eyes felt like they were peering into his soul. "You're the only person he left, Ben."

"He has–" Ben started, trying to fight the vulnerability.

"He lost your mother, your father, and Luke. He lost his family before that. Your parents were his closest friends. Now you're all he has left of them." She interrupted.

"I know," Ben relented. "I just don't know how I can face him now."

She reached out and grabbed his hand. Her hand was cool and rough against his. The same peace that had filled the room a moment ago flooded into Ben's chest.

"You don't have to do it alone if you don't want to. You're not alone." She said.

"Neither are you." He replied out of instinct.

They say there for a moment, looking into each other's eyes.

Rey broke first, looking around the room as if she had forgotten where she was for a moment. She pulled her hand back, absentmindedly in the middle of her chest.

"I need to go to the council." She spoke at barely a whisper. "I wanted to warn you though, they're going to ask me about you."

"About me?" Nerves pushed back the peace in his chest.

"I'm only assuming." She said, her voice now filled with seriousness. "But I felt the fear in them when your name was said."

To most people, he was just Han Solo's wayward Jedi son who'd been found after all these years, but whispers of his identity had spread quietly among the leaders of the New Republic. He'd begun to worry in the last few days that the stares and hushed conversations that went on as he passed were more than the people's curiosity about the son of the two famed resistance generals.

"They have every right to be." He said.

"No," the crease between Rey's brows appeared. "They have every right to fear Kylo Ren. That's not who you are anymore. You are Ben Solo."

She stood, looking around the room before looking back at him.

"I have to go." She pointed to the porg as it landed in his lap, the seriousness still in her face. "Take care of him. And go see Chewie."

She turned and left, leaving the conversation hanging in the air around him. The last little bit of peace she had left in the room slipped out with her, leaving him alone again with his quiet, anxious mind.

Author's note:
It's taken a little longer than I expected to get this chapter written and edited but here we are lol. Unfortunately, chapter four is gonna take a while too. As much as I love this story, its not my main wip so it's not what I'm focusing on writing at the moment. But I'm not stopping on this😁