Just Another Rant

Loneliness

I just published chapter four of Dirty Little Gangster and started on number five when the song I was listening to changed and now I'm a little wrecked. It reminded me of my friend from a long time ago. Favorite Dress by Lil' Peep. Okay, maybe a few friends. People I used to spend a lot of time with. They're no longer in my life and that makes me sad. Obviously, right.

My boyfriend isn't off work yet. We're long distance too so it's not like I can hold him when he comes home. He's busy right now as well, poor man couldn't get a break today. So I'm left to my devices. I have no friends really outside of Wattpad. And since I'm new here I don't have Wattpad friends yet. Well, other than the person I roleplay with, who hasn't been on in a hot minute.

So I continued to try and write to find some companionship through someone else. Yes, a fictional character. Sounds silly when I type it out. But hey, I'm not ashamed. As I was writing I just kept thinking about all the different things I did with the friends I miss. Their faces, the way they laughed, oh how much I miss making people laugh. Recently my boyfriend and I have been scrapping it out. So I haven't been able to make him laugh much despite the fact that his laugh is the most beautiful thing in the world. One of the many things about him that I love.

I lay here thinking about the blood pact I made with one of my friends. During the time before we did she had asked me because no one had ever wanted to do it with her. I didn't see the harm. It wasn't a serious gushing blood thing. Just a small slit and we locked hands. We looked at each other and smiled one of those knowing smiles, and from then on we were blood brothers. I wonder if she still remembers me like that.

I will add that out of all the old friends I had, I'm not in contact with even one. But I have some of their pictures. I framed a few. Put them up. But whenever I catch a glance of them, I feel a little hollow inside. I feel a deep sadness because I know I'll never see those people again. It's kind of masochistic of me to do to myself. But I don't want to forget them either. The memories that I still laugh at. The inside jokes that I use by myself because my mom will never understand them like I do. Like we did.

Sometimes I can't understand.. just why I met these people, my friends, just to have them taken away from me like they were. I wonder why I have so much trouble making new ones. Like, what's wrong with me? It has to be me because if I'm the one nobody wants to be around they have to have something better elsewhere. I don't like to think that way. But the feeling is built into my heart like a bad stitch.

The amount of isolation and loneliness I feel is overwhelming. It infects me like a snake bite, spreading from heart to soul, poisoning my mind. Sometimes I think, that's just what I was made for. But I wasn't, because I still feel the need for company.

I'm hoping that when my boyfriend gets home I'll feel a little better. I'll always miss the pack I had. But I hope that when I move out with the love of my life, I'll begin to make a new one. Without being isolated or oppressed, my circle will grow once more, and maybe I'll make a few friends that'll last me a lifetime.

Signing off, Moth