Just Another Rant

Problems

"Breathe life into me books, for I am dying and in need of your pages."

So I'm trying not to make this book about my endless depression but goddamn, I am depresso expresso without comfort or any outlet other than this to use. So yeah. Things have been rough lately. I'm kind of used to my home life being a wreck but my relationship is also taking a nose dive and I'm not vibing with it at all. I know we'll probably figure things out eventually, but then again I am having doubts about different things I'm hesitant to share with my boyfriend so I dunno, I feel like keeping it to myself until stuff settles down would be better. I still love him though. I'm not going to give up the relationship. Nor leave him in the dust. That's just not what I do. But if things don't get better I don't know what to do other than try to be happy all the time.

Given my situation I doubt that would last very long. I suppose I'm just scared of losing him myself. Especially with some of the decisions he makes (or tries to make) sometimes. Those are my honest feelings. Or, some of them, anyway. Other than that, I have family drama that I deal with. Forsaken memories, scary dreams. I am reminded of things that trigger me and I cry. I cry because of my grandma today, mostly. It's a long story when it comes to why. Maybe I'll share that one day in a story by itself. I saw a stuffed animal that I own, which she gave a name to. We played with it often, a stuffed hedgehog named Huntsman Eagle. I was already feeling sad (which the other reasons I will get into shortly) and then I looked at Huntsman Eagle. I saw him, saw my grandma's smiling face, and just broke down a little.

It was short-lived because I didn't feel comfortable crying in front of my bf. Though, I don't feel comfortable crying in front of ANYONE. It's so embarrassing, so pointless to me because it never ends well. I hate it. So I calmed down, dried my tears, and promptly let my sadness burn into anger against my bf. Then that was short-lived because my mom came into the room. Ugh, I'd asked for thirty minutes to myself and got less than twenty. So utterly annoying. Nobody can leave me alone in this household. Makes me wish I had a lock on my door.

My original distress came from a bad dream I had last night about my grandma dying. I then began missing my friends later during the day, which led to missing my grandma, and then my mom and I got into a slight argument or 'conversation' which basically means I'm sitting there while she tells me everything wrong with me.  Lastly my bf and I have been fighting or sitting in silence all day. My fault, mostly. I hate existing sometimes. It's like all I ever do is just cause problems wherever I go. Like I can't do things the way they need to be done, can't make the people I love happy.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal.

I just think things would be a lot different if only I could apply myself the right way. If I had the option to not exist until the hard parts of my life were over, that would be amazing. But I wouldn't do it. When I look at all my issues today, I feel like I'm complaining. But I know someone else out there might be going through the same thing, there has to be. If only I could find those people and make some friends. A support system of sorts. My bf is amazing, but I need more people in my circle.

Smh, even now I'm being talked about on the phone. I can't make out everything my mom is saying... But I know that not everything coming out of her mouth is peachy. Mm, I just want to curl up and sob, honestly. I want to be left alone. I want to cuddle with my partner but he's so far away! So frustrating, I'm so uselessly stranded in not only the place I live but in my own head. There's nothing I can do but sit here and try to be happy so I don't cause anymore problems for other people, but I'm drowning in myself. My heart, my soul, filling up with the blackest of waters and overflowing into my chest. These waves infest my lungs and swallows them up like a vicious shark.

In this, I feel truly alone today.

So I guess, enough of those problems. Let's talk writing. Writing empowers me, but recently I've felt that nobody wants it. I get no votes on my work, I message other authors on here not for them to read my work, but simply talk about writing in general with me, but I am not answered. So I'm half just feeling sour because I feel ignored. I don't need votes to feel validated. Let me be clear. But damn, aren't they nice tho? I used to get votes on my old work for sure! I wonder what's changed now. I'm the same, if not better writer than I was before.

What's more. I have no one to talk writing with. No one to get tips or feedback from. My mom is judgemental and my partner is definitely tired of me talking about gay material. I have no other friends. So I feel boxed in to the core. If I have to brainstorm on my own, so be it. But it was so much better when I had friends and family that really really liked my work. It was so uplifting! So freeing! But now I'm a bird in a cage. I've been whistling at the people around me, but goddamn, I'm finna stop. For the first time I looked at my papers (Do or Die storyboard) and thought to myself- why am I even doing this? Nobody wants this. Nobody will read this. There's no point in writing anything because it's trash. You're, trash!

I blinked and had to remind myself that hey, you're not writing for people to enjoy or read. You're writing because you love doing it! And I thought yes this is true. But I was still so distraught that I put everything away. I had no interest in writing anything whatsoever. No sir. I'm now lacking interest and motivation. That doesn't happen to me easily, or if it does it's because I've exhausted myself writing. Not because I thought me and my skills were trash. I even get distressed thinking about it presently. I want to believe I'm good. I really do. Writing is my passion, my soul, the only talent I can confidently say I have and am meant for.

But.. if I was, why did God isolate me now? Why isn't he giving me a group of solid artistic friends who want to be around and draw off of a fellow writer? Where are the people I'm supposed to meet by fate to guide me through this rough patch where I no longer believe in myself? Unless unfortunately, I'm supposed to do this on my own. Which okay. Fine. I guess, aside from my writing, which is a failure, just like I believe I am currently, I'm just trying to find somewhere safe to hide.

  Whether it's in me or not, in a story, in the corner of my room in a pile of stuffed animals.

Somewhere, anywhere. Just a place where everyone is calm or even just pleased with me. Even a little bit, you know? I may not be beaten, I'm not starved of food, I've got clothes on my back and a roof over my head. But there are definitely other things going on in my life that make me hurt, that make me mentally hungry, that make me curl in on myself and feel exactly the way I do.

Going back to my writing, I dunno. I feel like I need something new to get my spark back. It needs to be fresh, strong enough for me to want to jump right back into it without even thinking about my doubts or aches. But what exactly... Start a new story? I mean I've got ideas. But they're just boring to me right now. Not something I want to write about long term. So I guess I just have to buck down and think harder. It didn't used to be so hard. I guess that's what happens when you've been through hell. It takes a piece of you, and doesn't give it back.