Just Another Rant

A General Crisis

A lot of times I'm finding that my young life comes down to one question. What am I? But I'm not talking about pronouns. Already been there done that uphill battle which could be a chapter in itself tbh. No. I'm like, what am I, as in, am I normal? Am I mentally unstable? Am I both?

Everyone tells me that normal has many different meanings and that  normal is stupid because being weird is fun! Sure guys. Being weird is fun. Sitting on the lunchroom floor eating your food at school is fun. Being put through therapy and given medication is such a great experience. Being told you're not doing things right on the daily by your parents and peers is super. I'm having so much fun with this 'weird' gene that I can hardly stand it! Literally, I can't fucking stand it.

I want to keep my imagination, creativity, and spunk. But generally I'd love to be normal. Like a run of the mill person that doesn't have thoughts and emotions that aren't like everyone else's. I don't like causing fights or getting into a mood that I can't claw my way out of. I wish I could be happy all the time! Happy all the time, happy all the time~ love my girl but she ain't worth the price- okay I'm done singing. I have a boyfriend anyway. But he could be my girl any time.

Then I'm like... how much are people making me feel like I'm not normal because they're the ones starting shit. I guess I'm so screwed up I don't know the difference. That's where everyone I know has power over me. Because no, I don't understand the difference. So being the sensitive person I am I just take in what everyone in my life has to offer. And really, the people in my life are very few now. But those few people fill up my life a lot, and mostly tell me what to do, shut me up, toss my brain around. It's so frustrating.

I'm not even going to specify anyone because I don't want to be a bitch. But by the grace of god I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that I'll never really truly know if I'm fucked up or the people around me are. Well, maybe I will one day since I'm so young right now. But for my young brain, not knowing is really ripping me apart inside. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to treat my loved ones bad. If I'm the evil one, what do I do man? The fuck am I supposed to do? I mean gosh. The medicine (including the shot that goes into my arm) doesn't seem to do me good because even though it's supposed to stabilize my mood I still get told I'm being manic.

Therapy is another beast altogether. When I think back to the life I had before, I know I was in a bad spot, but at least I understood that everyone around me was mentally unstable, me included. I wasn't stuck wondering where I sat on the spectrum. People were taking advantage of me for other reasons at the time too, but they were not especially telling me I had a problem. 

My boyfriend often says I'm normal, that people are trying to make me think I'm not. I believe him until my mom steps in and I'm torn into not understanding anything again. My mind is bent like a twig, but I haven't broken and don't plan to only because I want a future for myself badly. That's the reason I live, that's why I fight, for me, my future, my boyfriend, my friends. My friends and partner will feed my inner strength as much as I try to do the same.

This next bit I'm going to explain pertains to the way I feel about whether I'm mentally unstable vs normal. I talked to my dad the other day, who lives far away from me. I told him how I had trouble feeling emotions/empathy at times. I got it from him, because my mother is very emotional. He told me he doesn't get as upset about things as some people do because he simply doesn't think it's worth his time. To me that makes perfect sense. Sometimes my mind works the same way, and it was very refreshing to hear that! I didn't understand him like I do now, because back then we weren't in a place to talk. Even if we were he would still not be capable of understanding my feelings, but what's important now is that I vibe with him and can act accordingly so I don't get my feelings hurt.

Speaking to him made me feel a little more 'normal' a little less out of place in the world. I suppose there's nothing like parents to do that for their kid. I may have been failed by both my parents for most of my life. But him relating to me was one of the best things that had happened to me all week.

So am I mentally unstable? No, I really don't think so. That's too strong for me to compare myself to, if I truly think about it. Yeah I have issues, different things I need to work out in my head, but I'm stable enough to function in life. I don't hurt myself or others, I don't do what I used to. That's really good for me. I'm not normal either though. Not by a long shot. And you know what? Aside from the meds I take, the therapy I do in the name of not being like everyone else, of having trauma and issues, I'm okay. I'm sad, I'm being pushed around, but I'm alright. That's what matters.

"Hear the roar of the tiger, but don't forget it was once a kitten."