irrevocable

{Three}

Come Together // Aerosmith

Jackson

This might be the first time in my life, other than having to put Polly down, that I haven't mentally taken off. I was fucking tempted on the walk over here. I'm so damn pissed off and I'm not sure who to be pissed off at.

Not true. I know for a fact I need to be pissed at Mom. I've been pissed at her for years but bit it down instead of confronting her. That was my way of leaving the bullshit and just dealing with life. I can't do that anymore. I need answers from my dad, so I know how to confront my mom.

That's the only reason I stay.

We make small talk until the food is served then we spend the time eating. I mull over the questions I want to ask while I'm chewing. My dad has a huge ass grin on his face every time he looks at me.

Why would a guy who's this fucking happy to see his son never try to seek me out? That's the only question I have after the bomb he dropped on our walk over here. I set my fork down and wipe my mouth.

We may have lived in a trailer park growing up, but I've got fucking manners.

"Mind if I ask a question?" I lean back in my seat and try to relax.

"Go right ahead," he answers with a smile.

"Did you ever try to visit?"

His smile slips right off his face when I ask. I should take that as his answer, but I wait for him to speak and confirm my suspicions.

"Every single day, I thought about you. I wondered what you'd gotten up to. If you still loved digging in the mud or if you played any sports. I wondered what you liked to learn about in school 'cause I only ever got to see you as a little guy. I had so many questions."

He takes a deep breath before looking me right in the eye. "No. I never asked your Ma if I could come see you."

I nod my head, fuming inside. "I guess the next obvious question is why the hell not?"

He's visibly nervous. Hand shaking, he pulls his water glass to his mouth, taking a gulp. He says nothing for a minute as he replaces his glass on the table. Then he looks up at me, eyes dark. Remorse. That's the only word in my mind to describe the way his entire being deflates.

"Well, the way your ma left, she really didn't want a thing to do with me and that included being a dad to you. Didn't agree with my lifestyle. And in so many ways, I couldn't put any blame on her for her feelings after everything. I let it be. I thought that would be best."

I nod, not entirely agreeing with his actions but what choice do I have?

"It's not what I wanted, Jackson. I was so proud to be your dad. But being in your life just wasn't in the cards for me."

"Because of your lifestyle. The motorcycle club thing."

His jaw drops. The color drains from his face.

"Oh...um, right. The club." He clears his throat. "It was a real mess back then. Leadership, um, all over the place. Holly, you remember her from earlier in the shop. Her old man was an enforcer, along with Grinder before he took over the reins. Judge didn't agree with how Grinder changed things. Lots of tension."

"Tension in leadership? That's the reason you dropped out of my life?" I'm dumbfounded. Sick to my stomach. None of this is what I expected when I decided to find my dad.

I used my last name and the city I was born in to find him. A friend from work is an amateur hacker so I asked him to search me up. Didn't take an hour and I had a name and location. Took me two days to suck it up and call. My dad answered the phone with a cheerful greeting before I shocked the hell out of him by saying who I was and why I was calling. He was struck silent for a few minutes before he gave me a choked reply. He wanted me to come. He'd find me a place to stay because his place was the size of a postage stamp. And how soon could I get here.