But now i'm bleeding.

part 1

Karlie's hands were clasped together. Then they were by her sides, then they were flat on her legs. Eventually, they ended up firmly wrapped under her arms, with her hands in fists. She could hear the faint murmur of voices behind the closed door of her room and below that, the quiet thrum of music. Outside were their closest family and friends, coming to get ready for the ceremony happening in a few hours. A few hours. The thought made Karlie's head reel. In just a few hours she would be married. This was the day she had dreamed of, the day she had practiced with dolls in her bedroom and imagined with every boyfriend since. Well, mostly boyfriends.

She had never felt this beautiful, looked this beautiful. Sure her job meant that she was used to wearing beautiful clothes and seeing herself in expert makeup, but those were just characters to play. Today she was beautiful because she was just Karlie.

She just couldn't keep still.

'Karlie, are you ready honey?' called her mom from just behind the door

'Yeah, come in. I was just having a moment.' She replied as her mom came bursting in, carrying a small red box.

'Oh don't you look beautiful, my little girl! Sit down here darling.' She exclaimed, placing a hand on Karlie's shoulders. She barely noticed how tight her daughter's arms were wrapped around her body.  'I have something of your grandmas. You needed something borrowed.' Her mom pulled out a delicate golden hairpin, embellished with flowers and small crystals. For all of her mother's gold jewellery and designer clothes, it was the one thing she had ever seen her truly cherish.

'You're sure?' She asked as her mum bobbed her head quickly in response.

'She would want you to wear it. You know, It was the one thing your grandpa carried with him through the war. To remind him of grandma.' She was tearing up at the memory. 'Now you can wear it to marry your man too' She said, breaking out into a laugh at the sight of her daughter's face.

'My man? Please never say that again.'

'Okay, okay. Only if you do a twirl for me. I need to properly see my beautiful daughter in her beautiful wedding dress before I go and sit down'

The mirror caught her eye as she spun around for her mom. They were daisies reflected back at her on the pin that was now shining through her golden hair. Karlie's big smile slipped. And for half a second her heart sank. Sank to that place she was a year ago when she said those words that had changed her life forever. When she had said the hardest goodbye of her life. But then she looked up at her mom, who by now was hastily trying to wipe away tears, and she knew that she had made the right choice. This was the right choice. Josh, who always says she looks beautiful, who talks for hours with her dad about baseball, who she is comfortable with. That's who you marry.

'Where's the bride then?' Cara and Jordan said as they practically skipped into the room.

'We need her for some secret girly stuff before she becomes a grown-up forever' Cara said to her mum winking. 'Karlie, you hoo. Earth to Karlie.'

'Oh hey. Sorry, I'm um, a bit tired still. Seriously, what on earth are you two up to now?

All three laughed, throwing conspiratorial looks between each other as Karlie's best friends led her out of that peaceful room and back into the real world. Her mom's voice, warning them of the schedule, faded evermore as they headed towards the back of the house. It was their friend's upstate retreat and was in the middle of nowhere. Well, they were somewhere, that somewhere just happened to be in the middle of a forest. It was his idea, a small natural wedding with just their closest in attendance. It was private and quiet and suited him perfectly. They were having a second one later on for her anyway. Hopefully.

'Now I know you said no more after last night but we couldn't help it. Here. sit. now.' Cara patted the white chair and shouted for her sisters, her only other bridesmaids. Everything was white today. All three came in wearing coy smiles. Now she was getting worried.

From a cabinet covered in expensive-looking glass orbs, Karianne pulled out a thick leather book.

'Don't look like that! It's nothing bad, I promise. We all made it. It was Jourdans idea.' She said walking over to sit next to her sister. 'You're our photographer, so we thought it was our turn to give you back our pictures together. It's, well you'll just have to see. We started it a few years ago so be prepared for some shockers.'

Karlie took the book carefully in her hands to see that each of her best friends had decorated a few pages with photos and sticky notes. Cara's page had doodles everywhere and Kimbys had stickers and Kristine's baby photos of them playing together in paddling pools. She couldn't help it, her eyes began welling up. Only one other person had ever given her a gift so precious.

'Hey, no crying! You'll smudge your makeup' Cried Kimby, pulling her sister into a hug.

'It's perfect. I love you guys so much. Why are you doing this to me now? I'm not an expert at crying in makeup'

'Oh yes, you are. Just because you're getting married now doesn't mean you get to forget your job. I'm not letting you become housewife Karlie. I will be dragging you with me to shoots if I have to. Go back to my page. Look there we are in Switzerland.'

They sat laughing at their shared memories all morning in their dresses. Karlie almost forgot she was getting married today until her dad anxiously peered into the room and reminded everyone of the time.

They all moved quickly after that to find their places outside so just Karlie and her dad were left in the room. She could see her guests had gathered now and were arranged in perfect lines on either side of her wooden aisle. She took a deep breath as her stomach sank. She really was nervous. She never got nervous. Her feet were stuck firmly in the doorway.

She looked one more time around the room, at the house she would never again see as miss Kloss, and her eyes snagged on the book again. A single page near the beginning was much thicker than the others, as if someone had glued two together. Curiosity got the better of her, even against the clock. It was right before Jordan's pages, just after the page of all of them together. The first individual page. Surely Jordan had just made a mistake and glued her first attempt together. Perfect Jordan, whose calligraphy was so good Karlie had asked her to design her Kookies business card last month. She peeled the corner. Someone had drawn a yellow flower border in felt tips. They framed polaroids. Polaroids from 2014. Copies of the ones that she had taken down from her bedroom, tried to chuck away, then fished them out of the bin to be hidden in her wardrobe. Someone had obviously tried to cover it up. It had almost worked.