Who We Were

Kori

I was less than pleased when Kai first sat down next to me, the only thing I want right now is to cry it out so I can move on. But I can't say I'm surprised he found me here either, he's always known this was my go to spot. Over the past four years when I've come here, a tiny piece of me has hoped he'd be here as well, looking for some happiness the way I was. But now that he's pulled me into his arms, I want to scream at him for showing back up now, at the worst possible time. But I can't, because something about him holding me right now feels absolutely right. So instead, I cry some more and he sits here silently stroking my head, making all the anger I have towards him disappear, for a moment at least.

"Why are you here, now?" I almost regret asking, but in four years Kai's never even so tried to talk to me so none of this really makes sense. He lets out a sigh, and shuffles his body a bit. "Do I have to have a reason to talk to you now?" His words are sharp. But yes he does need a reason, because at the end of the day you do not just cut somebody out of your life and think it's okay to walk right back in.

I climb off of his lap, and stand up crossing my arms, staring down at him. "Yeah you kind of do. You know exactly what you did, so no you don't just get away with it." My tone changes from sad to angry almost instantly, and I feel everything I ever wanted to say to him coming up. And I can't stop it, because at the end of the day Kai hurt me once, and I'd bet he'd easily do it again. He finally stands up directly in front of me, looking down into my eyes frantically searching for the right words.

"What if I wanted to apologize for that?"
He takes a step towards me, but I take a step backwards. Apologize? Four years later? As if. He wants something I bet, and I'm not willing to give him whatever that is. "I never meant to lead you on back then, let alone actually hurt you." He keeps talking, but I'm trying my best to tune him out. "We were young, how was I supposed to know it was going to be a big deal?" He acts like it was nothing, because yes at an age that young it's innocent, but it wasn't nothing. He was my best fucking friend, it's like he forgot that part.
"I don't have any words for how stupid you actually sound right now." The words come out like a bullet at him, but he needs to hear it. "Lead me on? Are you serious?" I'm now taking angry steps towards him, jamming my finger into his rock solid chest. He must work out constantly to be this fit. "We were friends you jerk, that's the only thing I'm mad about." I lie, but he doesn't need to know the effect he still has on me. He doesn't get that win today.

I turn, and run away as fast as I can. I don't need his shit, not on the day my entire world had already fallen apart. Not on the day that Craig admitted everything he did. But he runs faster, and it's only a matter of minutes before he's caught up to me, grabbing my arm completely halting me from moving. "That didn't come out right, but I didn't want to say any more when you're already dealing with dick head." He's peaked my interest now, because there's obviously more than what he's said. "I can handle rejection, what I can't handle is losing my best friend." His hopeful smile slowly turns to a frown, and I can see that I've hit him where it hurts. Almost as much as it hurts me that he thinks the entire reason I dislike him now is because he didn't want to be my boyfriend.

"I don't know what you want me to say. I'm sorry." Of course that's all he has, because he doesn't feel the same loss I did when he walked away from me. Suddenly, it feels like I can't breathe and I'm crying again. But this time, the tears aren't because my boyfriend of two years cheated on me. It's because the one person I loved more than anything ever still doesn't care. I waited years for him to come back, apologize and say that he was so stupid to ruin our friendship. But he doesn't. He just says "sorry" but I'm not sure he even knows what he's apologizing for. So for now, I don't accept it, I can't.

"I have shit to do." I don't say anything more than that, and I hightail it out of there before I crumble completely at his feet. He doesn't follow me this time. He just stands there as I run away.

I hate that after all of this time, even after I've given myself to someone else entirely, Kai's still there in the back of my mind, where he's always been. The truth is, we both aren't those kids anymore. So much has changed.