The Closet

Trauma

Some people  call me damaged .

Others call me dumb .

I call it loyal to the wrong people .

When you lose trust for some one , in that moment what do you feel?

What is your mind saying to you ?

My heart literally drops in my lap , and for a few moments I feel all the feelings leave my body.

After that , I am no good to anyone.

Is that toxic ?

Maybe so but my love life and these men made me like this .

I always mean well .

For so long I wanted a love that consumed me , I was coocoo for coco puffs.

They say watch what you ask for cause you just might get it , and I didn't take that serious. 

Now boom here I am with two kids , and single .

Sometimes I don't mind it , cause ima loner and I like to be alone, but it gets lonely.

I could of been in nice relationship or married by now.

I blame myself .

In high school I was quiet and to my self , I didn't really say much. So nobody bothered me until one day I met this guy.

Changed my whole life cause I would know for years and years to come . He was sweet to me at first , they always nice at first .

He was genuine or at least i thought he was . He was star running back from my school , he was that guy , but even the sweetest faces hide their demon faces .

 In high school we never dated we was just jumping each other bones , every week. Eventually I wanted more , and that's when the problems came . 

We had gotten to a point where we wasn't speaking in school , those hugs I got every time I used to see him they stopped , after he knew I loved him he changed .

I fucked up showing that much love in the first place.

Love can be a beautiful thing , it can also be a demon out to snatch your innocence and rip you from piece to piece . 

 Once your in love with it , its hard to let go.

You see the signs ,but your in love so you really don't care what they do , or how they do it.

There's always something in the back off  your mind telling you to leave .In that moment you think they would change but that's never the case.

They continue to play on your heart cause they know you love them and feel like you'll never leave .

Until you leave .

Long story short this man did me so dirty. He drained every piece of love , or feeling that I had for him. 

 It took me 6 years to let him go.

Damaged .

Giving Up.

Heartbroken .

This was not a regular love , it was one of those loves you'd never forget.

This man turned out to be my high school sweetheart , and sometimes I wish I could of kept it in High school, but we get older and grown .Then some how men start to realize what they lost , and some of the good women they could of been with. Me personally I feel like I should of gotten married by now . 

Life goes on though.

In high school we would meet up at least three or four times a week. I remember starting arguments just to get more of his time cause I didn't know how to tell him , i wanted more of his time. Even if we was just sitting in silence I didn't care , all I knew was id do anything for this man and he had no clue . He took advantage of my love and I knew it .

I didn't love myself enough to leave him.

In my 12th grade year , I learned a lot about my self . It was a heartbreaking year for me , I lost the love of my life , school was ending , he was moving to go to school , and I was stuck in good ole Beaumont, Texas. Before he left i remember he saying

I'm moving to another state , move on . 

Those seven words broke my heart , but it made me stronger  cause then I got on my shit and I learned to be without him.

I landed a job in the plant , I was referred to as a Leak detection technician , I go in and snip the leaks and bring them back to my supervisor. Having this job I met some really nice people and long term friends . Climbing those towers help me for get everything , I couldn't have my phone , so it made it easier for me on the weekends to be without my phone. I was so happy , happier than i had ever been .

 BY MYSELF.

I felt so powerful in my body , I still do to this day. Things I thought I couldn't accomplish , I did.

BY MYSELF.

This guy all by himself turned me into a monster I never thought I could be , and that helped me in the long run . 

I can be without him 

I can breathe without him

I could be happy without him ,

I am happy without him .

Never realized it was me holding the power to my own happiness until one day i seen him back in our home town, and I felt nothing.

That was true power .