The Closet

Are You Toxic?

Wake me up 4am to argue toxic?

Calling your phone, a million times and getting mad when you don't answer toxic?

Coming to your crib because you didn't answer my text messages toxic?

Fuck you raw, no condom toxic?

Fuck you, suck you then kick you out toxic?

Im every single one of those toxics but, there is a upside on toxicity.

H E A R .M E. OUT!

I've been toxic before, but I give off what I receive.

If you throw it at me, you're going to receive it right back. I like to match energy sometimes.

Sometimes I don't even realize it, and that makes me a dangerous person. 

The last man I loved made me the most toxic person you'd ever meet, I didn't like seeing myself that way, so I started teaching myself to be a better person for the next man.

I'm not perfect, but I'm innocent.

There will be a lot of things said in this chapter but listen.

I have two daughters, one 9 years old the other 2 years old and they're so precious to me. 

When I was 12, I was sneaking out the house following my sisters but they were way older than me I just wanted to do what they did.

Sometimes I wish they had jacked me up and told me something or beat me up for doing dumb shit.

I was in 8th grade going to the 9th when I found out I was pregnant. Scared the life out of me because I had a secret that I never told anyone, it was hard for me to express it, so I just didn't.

I skipped school this day because this man wanted to talk so me being the dummy I was, I went willingly. When we got to his parents' house, he wanted to go through my phone, we weren't together, so I refused.

Pause.

A little back story of me and him, i met him on urban chat, yes urban chat. He told me he was like 16-17 which was a lie. He had begun to come get me from school because he "stole" his mama car at least 3 times a week.

I was skipping school and the days that I actually went to school, i would write my absent notes and sign my mama's name. They couldn't call and let her know because I was so smart I put my number on all my paperwork and signed her name the way she signed other documents before.

Things don't last forever, the school finally called her old number and boom, just like that I was caught.

You think I got in trouble?

No, my mama gave me so much rope to hang myself and that's exactly what I did. I've never been mad at her for that because she was still learning life herself, it's almost as we grew up teaching one another.

The days I was acting out, and skipping school, I wanted her to be there and tell me something that would make me better for my future.

I wish my dad was there too, but he didn't want us. I knew that but yall know girls love their daddy and I was the youngest at the time, so I was so in love with my daddy when he came around, the little times he did come around.

I wanted him there, and even as a grown woman I still want him here.

The day I got pregnant I went to his house , just to talk. It never go the way you plan it , do it. As soon as he closed the door behind me I knew something was wrong , the tone in his voice , the aggressive way he handled me.

He went though my phone , and me and him wasn't together , hadn't been for awhile. So of course I was entertaining someone else. He called the guy and texted him then gave me my phone and left the room.

I was so confused because I didn't know what he was about to do.

He came back in the room holding a clock , it was exactly 9:12 a.m.

He began unrolling the chord and talking really low , then he lunged at me wrapping me up with this clock chord , at that point I began to start fighting him.

Screaming and yelling "Get off me " multiple times . 

Nobody heard me .

After at least 4-5 minutes of fighting him he successfully hog tied me . Then as I was laying there crying on the floor thinking he was about to kill me .

He was pulling my clothes down , as I'm still screaming .I couldn't fight him physically , so I just stop fighting . For those 10-15 minutes I felt so weak .

Weakest I ever felt in my whole existence on the planet Earth.

After about a hour of laying on the floor he finally untied me .

" Put on your clothes so i can take you home".

I didn't say a word after that , but I got to my feet and put my clothes on. As we was heading for the door I made sure my shoes was tied . When he put the code in and the door open , I could see people walking on the street.

Soon as I got outside , he was walking really close while the people walked by , I was not going to wait until they had passed.

I took off running so fast I could feel my shoes come off my feet. 

I ran and ran , it was like I had an adrenaline rush . At this time we had just moved to the west end and he was at least 10 blocks away from the house. When I reached the house ,nobody was there.

That day i cried in the shower for about two hours , this day I learned the true meaning of hate. The devil was not through with me this year . 

5 months later I found out I was pregnant .

Why didn't I call the cops at the time ? I didn't think people or family would believe me . A year later a girl younger than me reported him and he was charged , but never did any time .

The system for women is fucked up too , we just carry our shit better than men.

This incident made me not trust men , and for so long i stop letting anyone get to close to me or in my mind . I kept my feelings to myself , but i realized i was  hurting myself.

After this day I found out he was really 22 , the car that he said was for his mom , was really his car. He was 22 and I was 15 when this happened . 

I don't trust shit anymore, even in my prime years , I will always question the next man and his intentions because my brain is now wired that way . 

This started the era of my toxicity . I hate it for myself , but some days you just have to protect yourself from the devil advocates.

Can i still love properly?

Yes of course.

Do I shut people out most the time?

All the time, cause people just want what they can get.

Am I okay?

 No, I just appear to be.