The Closet

A Walk Through Mental Health

Before losing myself , I didn't know what depression , anxiety , and bad mental health was. He took my hand and led me to the dark. In my 24 years of living , I've tried to kill myself at least three times .

The first time I tried to slit my wrists and I would just bleed out in the shower. I did it because I had just moved out of the house with my mom , first apartment everything was going good until it went straight downhill. I had fell behind on my bills , i wasn't saving at the time , and I just felt like I wasn't where I needed to be in this life, I was 19 years old .

The second time I thought I was bold enough to overdose , turns out the most 8 Tylenols can do is make you barf and put you in a long nap. Imagine the way i felt the next morning ! i Was 21 years old when this time occurred.

The third time I was in my car , four in the morning planning to just run my car in front of a 18 wheeler. From that highway I traveled to the river , I stayed there until 5pm that day. 

I had already made my suicide video , I had texted the people I knew would deserve a explanation, I felt like my world had ended . It was all because of a man who couldn't give two shits about me . 

I figured because I didn't know how to swim I could just run my car into the river and at some point of time in that day water was gone eventually get inside and id have no way of getting out so id just drown. 

That day my sister saved me , she sent me a text and soon after that text my dad caught up to me , and when he did I completely broke down to my knees. That day I knew it wasn't my time to go. Even though I had been feeling like it was for months.

I had been depressed and full of anxiety. Its like every morning I woke up with anxiety , I could not control it and it was just breaking me down little by little. If I had of waited just a little bit longer to come out of the twilight zone I was in , I feel like I would've been stuck there for the rest of my life.

Being with someone who makes you unhappy on purpose is one of the most evil beings in this world. I had shut out my family for so long , i missed them but it was as if they didn't exist to the person I was becoming. I had become so ugly letting people dictate my life and my decisions. While everybody was fighting over me I was going to war with myself and I was losing to that black hole I was buried in.

No matter how much I said I was happy , or pretended to be the most cheerful person at the party , I was really the most sad person there. One day I had to stand up because i had four eyes staring back at me , and this was not something I wanted to see them watch me experience .

So I got off my ass , I started healing , I started gaining my happiness back by myself . Now I made myself happy , I made the black hole look like a Mardi Gra parade.

Sitting in that prison I made so many promises to myself and I kept all my promises so far . I will not reside some where I am only tolerated, I wanna be celebrated. I didn't understand why my peace was so valuable at the time but I do now.

It don't completely go away , some days I feel better than other days , but once I know it will past , I go on about my day. 

Some people don't like to talk about it because they worry that they will get others spirit down but I say , LET THAT SHIT OUT!

Someone will listen , even if your talking to god, he listens.

Imagine getting in a relationship and this person is suppose to make you wanna do better, and they just break you to your lowest . Make you feel stupid ,  worthless , good for nothin ,and nobody will ever love you but them , that's a lie . He controlled me , he controlled my mind , my heart, anything that he wanted me to do , I did just make him happy . Also just to keep the peace and my sanity. It is okay to lose your self just make sure you find your way back to that person you know you are. Like I did.

Many women and some men go through relationships with a narcissist individual and completely lose their self , some never find there way back to happiness others , they stand up like they have never fallen.

It takes awhile , but when you find the strength it comes full force and that's when you run from whatever and who ever is mentally damaging you.

Then they tend to play victim to any and everything that ever happened. You can tell them how they made you feel and they will try to invalidate your feelings as if your in the wrong. Then they would say " Well if you feel that way , then that's something you need to figure out within yourself " , like they didn't play a part in the way you feel.

Mental abuse is worst than physical abuse , because you can punch on me all day I will know you are trying to hurt me , even when you come back with the most lame excuses as to why you do what you do, and repeatedly telling me you didn't try to hurt me . I have the bruises so I know what you are saying to me is a lie , but mentally you can play with my mind all day and I could confront you and all your going to do is invalidate my feelings and try and make it seem its my fault that I feel the way I feel.

Mentally I was so weak , but I found some strength and pulled myself out of that black hole.

The woman i am today , I don't think anyone could trick me into mentally abusing me again .

I stood up for myself , and I loved every moment .

No matter how good you think people are always protect your heart.