❝but something's changed
it's not the same and i
know it was all my fault.❞
MAY 22,
twenty-two days after the funeral.
GUILT
gripped nisha. for not being there for her mother, for her brother, for jude. since yesterday she still hadn't come out of her room, but this time it wasn't for the same reasons as before. jude's words had unlocked something for her. all the feelings she had been storing up for some time had just come out. she has been crying for two days now and she honestly never thought she would say this, but it felt good. even though her nose and eyes were irritated from crying, it felt good.
she felt like she was mourning the nisha she had created and settled into after her father's death. as if a weight was being lifted off her shoulders, she felt much lighter. jude, by being quite brutal yesterday had done the right thing. patience didn't work with her, they had to find something else.
one problem was still left, nisha was afraid to go and talk to him for fear of rejection. she wouldn't be upset with him if he did, his reaction would be legitimate after all, she had ignored him for several weeks. and ignoring her best friend was not something a best friend would do. that is why nisha felt guilty, and that is why she was crying. a lot.
the bellinghams had returned home yesterday after sleeping here for several days to cheer up rebecca and try to get nisha to talk. their mission had been quite successful. rebecca was a little better, nisha less so, but at least she finally felt something. the emptiness had finally left her and she was more than happy about that, but now she had to be happy again. for that, jude had to be a part of the equation. without him, she wouldn't be any better.
but she waited a little longer before going to see him. letting him calm down was surely preferable, yesterday was still too fresh.
today was the first time in a long time that she got out of bed with will and took care of herself. three deep breaths were taken before she stood in front of the mirror. she thought she was hideous, but at least she managed to look at herself in it, so she put it into perspective. her poor hair, left for dead in her pain, needed a shower and her eyes were missing their usual eyeliner. she didn't wear makeup for anyone but herself, and that was a big step. once she was dressed, nisha stood up straight in front of the mirror, arms at her sides as she analyzed herself in a way she hadn't done in days.
satisfaction did not win her over. her father was still too present in her features for her to be able to reach it. she could still see him in her reflection, in her piercing eyes and voluminous hair. it was hard to look so much like someone you missed terribly. after a few seconds, her gaze was already drifting away from the mirror, if she continued to stare, she would be hurting herself too much.
for the first time in a long time, she hadn't just worn black either. a tight white top accompanied her baggy jeans, which were quite basic, yet out of the ordinary if you looked at her latest outfits.
then, she opened her bedroom door and went to eat with her mother, her brother was at school. no sooner did rebecca see her daughter in the kitchen than she thought she was dreaming. "hello sweetheart," a radiant smile was on her lips. nisha, still very ashamed of her recent behavior only returned a small wave of her hand without looking at her, afraid to find judgment in her eyes. "are you eating with me?" her mother asked hopefully.
"yes."
it was a small word. a short word. a simple word. but it meant a lot. to rebecca, it was the word of victory.
"you should go see her," denise said innocently as she watched her son plunge his fork with difficulty into his plate as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders.
he looked up at her before denying her words, "i don't think she wants to see me yet."
his mother let out a small laugh at his words, a mocking laugh. "i'm sure she does, just as much as you want to see her."
a shrug was his answer, he didn't really feel like talking since yesterday, the guilt was getting to him. he regretted what he had said to nisha and the way he had told her. if she wasn't angry with him, he wouldn't understand. if she wanted to see him, even less so. why would anyone want to see someone who wasn't able to be patient with them when they were at their worst? jude hadn't acted like a best friend yesterday. since then, he had been angry with himself.
"even though her behavior is hard to deal with, she deserves to be supported, you know it jude," his mother said as he rolled his eyes. "that's what best friends do, they support each other, no matter what."
"i know that mom," he paused for a moment, "but i don't think she wants my support right now." he continued to slowly eat his meal without glancing at his mother and she huffed heavily.
"we both know that that's not true. you're all she needs right now, don't let her down at the worst moment."
"but what if she rejects me?" the footballer asked with a frown, finally raising his gaze to the woman in front of him.
she scoffed, "you don't know unless you try."
at the same time, the front door slammed. it was jobe and his father who had gone to pick him up from training. the two of them then quickly got involved in the conversation without jude really wanting them to. even though his family always gave good advice, it seemed that today the footballer was not too keen on listening to them.
"you should go see her," was the first thing jobe said to him, and jude then put his cutlery down abruptly on his plate before sighing as hard as he could.
"why does everyone keep telling me that?!" he exclaimed, somewhat irritated.
"yeah, you should go see her," his father added with a laugh, having noticed that his oldest son was a bit on edge.
his words had the effect of making jude get up from the table to go clear his plate, somewhat angry. the idea of making the first move after all that had happened didn't fit right in the boy's head. he was wrong about yesterday, but nisha was wrong about the days before. he was aware that it wasn't a competition of who had hurt the other the most, but he couldn't help but feel resentful towards her, although guilt was trying to counteract it.
fighting with both of them, he finally shut them up to avoid imploding, "fine, i'll go see her tomorrow," he announced as his parents and brother cheered, making the boy roll his eyes and hurry up to his room upstairs.
"why not today though?" his father asked loudly enough for him to hear him from the top of the stairs he was quickly climbing.
"i don't know what to say to her yet, leave me now," his last words were a little bitter and made the corner of his family's lips turn up, proud that they had managed to convince him to go see her.
once the player was lying in bed, he let out a sigh of relief. he was dreading tomorrow without knowing that nisha was in the same state. the thread had broken between the two of them, but nothing was saying that it couldn't be reconnected.
— notes.
football is back
tomorrow and
cnvdioqzidjsjk
i'm so excited
