I will never leave you

funeral

Today was Sherlocks funeral.

I  still wore the bloody clothes from the last day.
Red stains were everywhere on the floor.
...

Greg will pick me up.

I have finished breakfast.
Used the bathroom.
Dressed me new.
It was rinning.
Greg.
I didn't want to open the door.

I didn't want to have it real.
I wasn't  moving. Still standing in the livingroom, staring at the door.

It rang again. I heard a voice.
"John?"
It was Misses Hudson.
"John, can I come in? Lestrade is here."

I didn't answer. Still staring at the door.

Misses Hudson opened the door slowly.

"John, come. Lestrade is here, he will pick us up. "

"Yes, sorry I didn't heard the rinning. I'm sorry", I lied.

...

We stoped. I have been silent the whole way. Greg tryed to start a conversation but I didn't react.

I leaved Gregs car.
"John", Greg said, " the coat"
He handed me Sherlocks coat over. I asked for it.
I noded.
It smelled like Sherlock, smoky. Others would have found that repulsive, but in combination with his own smell it was just what I needed.
Infront of me was the church.
I moved slowly to the door. Still in shock.

I opened the big doors.
The church was nearly empty only in the first row of seats were some people.

Molly and Mycroft.
Some people of the Yard. Donovan.
Even Anderson.

Misses Hudson was sitting down next to me.

Music started playing.

I examined the altar.
I imagined Sherlock and me walking to it in festive suits...

Wait, that's too much.

I am not gay.

The pastor appeared, he stopped my daydream.
Greg was standing up and walked forward.
...

I haven't really listen to his speech. But I know it wasn't good. Lestrade didn't even knows Sherlock.

I know Sherlock.

"He wasn't only a great man. He was a good one." Greg ended.

Finally it was over. I couln't take it any more. I had to get out of here.
I got up hastily and ran down the corridor. Donovan was watching me confused.

Actually, Greg would take me back, but I didn't want that any more. I ran along the road. I had to turn right. Or was it left? I didn't know where I was going, I didn't even know why I was running, I just knew that I was. Maybe more that than alive, but I was.

I stoped. Where was I?
Never mind. There was a park straight ahead.
I went foreward. I didn't really want to. I didn't know what I'm doing here. I only knew that I was doing it. It was like I was being steered automatically.

It was difficult to breathe.

A bank. I sat down.
Infront of me a dark lake.  People walk hasty past me.

I just wanted to be alone.

My hands were shaking. I didn't know what's wrong with me. I couldn't control myself, my pulse rised.
Abruptly it fell down again. 

My body got calm.
I was just sitting and staring at the lake. Dark, deep lake, no air at the ground, no life, no human could survive...

Staring.

I have often stared the last two days. Somewhere.

My mind was totally empty. I was empty. I didn't cry. I wanted to but i couldn't.

A man came along.

"John? John Watson? Is it you?"

Mike Stamford.

"Oh, hi Mike"

"John what are you doing here? You are never in this park"

"I need change" , I lied.

"Ha! Change. I also need some."

No please not. He sats down.
The noghtmare began. I hated it, when was broken in ruins I didn't want anybody to talk to me. In this time I was quite vulnerable and fragile. I have never really told about my problems and thoughts. There was never a person I opened myself to. Nobody I have totally trusted.
Barely no one. There was one.
Emphasis on was...

"What's up? How are you doing?"

"Oh, everything's great", I lied again.

"And? Are you two on a case?"

"Yes...yes we are having a case. It's difficult. Sherlock suspects it has something to do with Moriarty."

"Can you tell me more? Or would you have to kill me?", he wispers ironic.

"Sorry I..."

"Just a joke John". He laughed.

"I'm surprised to find you here alone. Usually you are always together. The unbeatable duo: the brilliant detective Sherlock Holmes and his fearless partner John Watson!", he jokes.

I faked a laugh.

"Sorry John, I've to do a home visit. The old Fellington forgots to take her medicament."

"Oh, ok. This is a pity.", I lied.
Again.
Mike was gone. He did not notice the coat.

I was glad he was gone.