forever • hyewon

where there is love, there is life

TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER! SUICIDE WILL BE PRESENTED!

————————————————————
oliva hye pov

instead of going to the boutique i went to a nearby park. it was snowing and i thought it would be nice. relaxing. i sat down on the swings and put in my head phones. i put on some mitski. it matched my mood right now.

all the times i saw gowon, it made me realize how much i miss her. i miss her smile. i miss her hugs. i miss when we were friends. thanks to my younger self, we can't be. i ruined it. i ruin everything. what the hell is wrong with me. why do i always do this. i find something i like and then i create a way to have something with it go wrong.

why did God make me like this. why did he make me this rude, cold, bitch who can't take care of herself. why.

i felt water on my hand and i realized i was crying. mitski always puts me in a way sadder mood than i should be.

"what's wrong? are you okay?" i heard someone say. i looked up to see gowon with a coffee cup. "oh yeah yeah i'm fine" i said wiping my tears.

she sat on the swing next to me and put her hand on my back. "i'm serious. what's wrong?" she asked. "i told you, nothing."

"stop lying olivia hye."

oliva hye. oliva hye. olivia hye was all i heard.

"so i'm olivia hye now? couldn't you tell that you are the reason i'm sad? you rarely ever talk to me or even look at me and i'm sick of it. i wanted to be your friend this whole time but you never could hear me out." i yelled. "that's not true..." she said. "not true? what happened when i talked to you earlier at lunch? you gave me a short reply and left. i'm sick of it. this is all you've done this whole time and i'm sick of it. i'm sorry i did that stuff to you. i truly am but we are grown now. we can't keep acting like nothing happened. we have to talk about it if we want to be friends. i don't know if you wanna be friends with and if you don't i don't blame you but at least try to be friendly." i told her.

i got up and left. i grabbed my bag and my phone and went back to the dorm.

————————————————————
time skip

i got to my dorm and ran to my bedroom. jungeun was out with her girlfriend jinsoul so i could cry as loud as i wanted to.

i laid on my bed and let the tears fall down my face. i've always had emotional problems and gowons aware of that. everytime i get sad i just completely blow up at everybody and everything. one word to make me mad and i go ballistic. i hate that about me. i cant control anything about it.

i cant control anything about me and i hate it.

i thought a lot. i finally got up and went to the kitchen. i grabbed a knife. i went to the bathroom and locked the door just incase. i cant believe i'm doing this. how did my perfect life with perfect friends and perfect family turn out like this?

gowon would never do this stuff. she's too perfect and happy. nothing bad happens to her.  she can control herself.

why can't i be like her.

perfect body
perfect skin
perfect smile
perfect voice
perfect hair
perfect walk
name one flaw about her. exactly you can't.

i started to put the knife up to my neck. i thought about gowon again which motivated me to put it closer. i started move it on my neck. i heard something. i ignored it and continued. it hurt terribly but i could bear with it. i starting going deeper. i tried to prop my head up but my head fell back and i hit it on the wall.

i woke up in a hospital. i saw my mom, dad, and jungeun. my mom was holding my hand tight. i heard my dad call the doctor in.

"what happened and why does my head hurt..." i asked. i looked down. why is my neck bandaged?

i saw a nurse run in. "hello. i am nurse sana. how are you feeling. you were sleeping for a while!" she told me. "my head hurts very bad." i told her.

"that's was i expected." she told me. "so olivia hye, what do you remember?" she asked.

"what do you mean?" i asked

"the last thing you remember."

"oh um... i was at the park with a girl and i started yelling and left." i told them.

"who was the girl?" she asked me.

"ah... um... oh yeah it was gowon i think."

"AS IN PARK GOWON?" jungeun yelled.

"yes?"

"she's been running around everywhere looking for you." she told me.

"looking for me?

"yeah"

"why"

"you apparently stormed off after talking to her and she asked me if i could talk to you. that's how i found you." she told me

"how did you find me?"

"you were in the bathroom. half of your throat was slit and you seemed to be unconscious." she told me.

oh shit.

i remember.

————————
A/N
not proofread bc its a waste of time...