the kids are depressed

•CHIBUZOR

"Chibuzor woke up staring at the mirror..."

Chibuzor's favorite song to play was, Alessia Cara's No scars to your beautiful. When the song dropped, she heard it from the radio—or was it from her brother's room?, she couldn't quite remember the exact place she'd heard it for the first time —but she knew that she'd found her activation song. It didn't make sense to anyone that she called the song her activation song, but it didn't have to make sense to anyone, as long as it made sense to her.

The first thing she did when she woke up this morning was to scroll through Instagram. Subconsciously, she'd begin to cultivate the habit of reimagining herself as a celebrity or a photo-tweaked social media influencer she found admirable. She could pick a Tiwa Savage picture today for example and just gaze at it for minutes and minutes until she told herself she was Tiwa and before she knew it, someone would ask why she was laughing funny and she'd sadly begin to trace it back to the video of Tiwa laughing.

Today, it was Ayra Starr.

She plugged her AirPods in and placed her phone in front of the mirror as Alessia Cara's music blasted from the device in her ears. She looked from her reflection to the image of Ayra and went on and on like that until she had her eyes closed and hummed the sound of Alessia Cara preaching acceptance and self love.

Why didn't she feel it though? She wondered as she danced with her eyes lightly closed and made mental preparations for how her day at the school excursion was going to be as Ayra Starr. 'What would Ayra Starr wear?' She hummed on to the music with her eyes closed as fashion ideas she couldn't afford to buy or wear began to flood her head until her brain couldn't take it anymore and her eyes finally pushed open—leaving her to deal with her reflection in the mirror.

She raised her shirt up a bit and began to run her hands through her stomach in a very slow motion.

'Why don't I have abs and a small waist like...her," she thought as her eyes fell on the image on Ayra still blaring from her phone screen in front of the mirror.

"Ugly bu che! che!," she turned around in shock to find her mother—colorful wrapper tied around her chest down to her waist, had a frown on her face and a broom in her hand—", see your life! Na mirror you tranga dey look at for the first thing in the morning! Na your type dey admire herself?—if you don't get out of this room and find something productive to do in your father's house, osiso!" Her mother yelled at her before throwing her an irritated look.

"I'm going to school," Chibuzor reminded her mother who raised her brows in comprehension—Chibuzor wouldn't stop reminding her about the excursion because she never remembered.

"Ehn...and so? Is that why you're standing in front of the mirror like Mami water?—what am I even saying sef, na your type dem dey find for marine kingdom?" She threw her head back in a small fit of laughter at her own joke before clapping the broom to her hands for a couple of seconds and finally ended her theatrical display with a resounding hiss. If Chibuzor hadn't seen baby pictures of her mother cradling her while she was being christened, and some other fun baby moments? She would have thought that her mother was her stepmother—sometimes she wondered if she was adopted as a baby because what was all this nonsense? Her words, not mine.

She wanted to respond to her mother with  something like, "I am beautiful," but she knew exactly where that would lead: the dining table, where everyone was going to be rolling in laughter about how the little Chibuzor of last week had begun to delude herself with the fact that she was now an American child just because she's started listening to American music. She could already picture her mother disfiguring her mouth to mimic her words, and her brother who looked just like her would blow things way out of proportion with his annoying and dramatic expression (something he took from their mother) like she hadn't just confessed what she believed was her truth.

"Who is that one?" He mother gestured with a pouting of her lips at the image of Ayra Starr in front of the mirror and Chibuzor felt her boy grow hot in embarrassment; she knew she had to come up with something strong or she wasn't ever going to hear the last of this moment. "Abi na she sing the song wey you dey always sing ni?" Her mother meant Scars to your beautiful and Chibuzor wanted to laugh at the ignorant question but she saw it as an opportunity to bail herself out of the awkward situation and nodded.

"Yes, mummy. She sang it," she added a nervous smile that screamed, "alright you've destroyed the last layer of my self esteem...you can take your leave now.", but her mother still had her eyes fixed on Ayra Starr's image.

"Very find girl," was the last thing she said before shutting the door behind her and Chibuzor turned to Ayra's image in front of the mirror and stared at it for another minute before taking a deep breath.

"Who am I kidding? She's right—I'm ugly." She convinced herself, took out her AirPods, promised never to listen to Alessia Cara's lies again and grabbed her phone phone from the mirror.

She was on her way to delete the Scars to your beautiful song when she saw got a WhatsApp notification from the top of her phone screen. She clicked on the app and smiled at the message from one of her closest friends in school: Temi.

HEY BEAUTIFUL! I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR THE DAY! RISE AND SHINE GORGEOUS!

She made a small smile as she responded to Temi's message but she couldn't shake the loud screaming voice of her mother yelling the words, "Ugly bu che che" at her, I mean, didn't mothers know best?

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