Smoke

2.4

ten years later
-
Is it wrong that I go to bed
beside someone else
with the thought of you on my mind?
(c.r.)
-----
I jerk awake crying like a maniac, shaking with panic. "Baby, it's okay." Zayden coos rubbing my back pulling me into what should be a beautiful embrace but I wish I was wrapped up in Jack's arms instead.

I breath harshly placing a hand on my chest trying to calm myself, it's been ten years and yet I still have nightmares about Jack. I shake my head pushing Zayden away craving Jack instead but he isn't here.

"Babe he's gone you have to let him go," Zayden says pulling me back into his arms.

"No, no! This is your fault for making me take those sleeping pills!" I shout I turn to the alarm clock and it show 9:10AM in bold glowing letters. "I have to take Jamey to school." I say pulling away from Zayden.

I rush into Jamey's room waking her up and laying clothes down on her bed, "Come on, Jamey sweetie you have to get up." I sigh as Jamey forces against waking up.

"Mommy I don't wanna." She whines.

"You have too." I say.

"No." She says.

"Get up!" I yell.

Jamey look terrified and gilt spreads throughout my body, "Sweetie, I'll take her to school today." Zayden says helping Jamey get dressed.

I try to argue but I soon give up and Zayden and Jamey leave, I sigh falling to my knees restlessly. I tug on my hair.

Zayden hates that I don't sleep so he forces me to take the sleeping pills but I have nightmares every time, what's so great about sleeping if all you do is dream about losing someone over and over again?.

I soon get up and walk myself to the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee, I sit down on the counter swinging my feet back and forth.

Everything I see somehow leads back to Jack every single thing, about three years after Jack passed. I ran into Zayden again and I wouldn't say things clicked just that I felt less lonely.

After being married to Zayden for a year we had Jamey that is now three, I secretly named Jamey after Jack in a way.

She reminds me more of Jack then of Zayden, but that's probably only because I love Jack but I don't love Zayden.

I finish my coffee with tears in my eyes, the mug slips from my hands and shatters across the floor, "Oh my god!" I scream out of frustration.

I grab the broom and dust pan cleaning up the mess, I finish and I throw the broom down grabbing my purse and shoes and rush outside to my car.

I drive up to a drugstore and turn the car off and walk inside, "A pack of Newport please." I say.

"Your license ma'am." He sighs.

I place my license on the counter chewing on my lip, "5.20.".

I lay the cash on the counter and grab the cigarettes and rush out, I pull one out placing it in between my teeth searching for a lighter.

I inhale the cigarette letting the smoke run into my bloodstream.

I drive to the graveyard where they buried Jack, today was cloudy and windy, how ironic.

I step out of my car walking to Jack grave, I throw myself down beside it.

"Did you really have to go?" I ask into thin air expecting an answer back but only silence.

"It's not fair, you were never supposed to die, Jack!" I say getting angry at myself.

I inhale once again feeling a bit more calm, I ignore my shaking hand and shivering lips due to the cold.

"I swear if it snows this year I might off myself," I say "Everything is just so hard." Another puff.

"My mom said it gets easier, but when? Was she just telling me something I wanted to hear?" I ask nothing.

"Jack I was supposed to be with you! Not Zayden!" I yell out.

"I yelled at Jamey again.. Jack I feel horrible" I say leaning again his grave like it's him but the cold stone proves otherwise, "She didn't deserve to be yelled at, it's those sleeping pills they're slowly killing me Jack."

"Zayden says something's terribly wrong with me." I let out another puff.

"Couldn't you just have not of died we could've been happy together, I'm sorry I said I hated you Jack." I choke out.

"I never meant it, you were alwa-always the one, oh god." I cover my mouth with my hand sobbing quietly into my palm.

"Ja-Jack I don't want Zayden I want you." I say as if he was sitting beside me.

I wipe my eyes using my shirtsleeves and I finish the cigarette and lay the rest of the pack into the flowers his aunt left, "See you soon." I sigh.

The walk back to my car seems to take five days my mind flows with memories of everything, he's not coming back.

And I'll be okay with that sooner or later.

But for now this is goodbye, not for forever just for now.