"Love look at me"
His voice remained deep yet gentle. I still didn't look at him. My eyes wondered everywhere but his eyes. I could feel him getting irritated.
His hand made his way to my throat as he held it. Strong enough to keep me in his grasps...
Sometimes what we think we need is more so a want. No one really needs love from anyone. It's just a want. Self love is all you need, but others crave more, they need it. To know you have someone's heart sometimes helps the pain you've been given, or it can cause more pain than you ever imagined. The four letter word has cause more pain than any type of weapon could. Yet we crave more, the feeling of air leaving our lungs. The goodbyes you'll never have to say again.The pain you'll never have to feel again. No more having people worry about you. No more causing pain. Only way to beat love is to no longer love.
Being in the hospital has set a lot of things straight for me. I know things I've never thought I would. I've been doing some digging of my own while here. For some reason my medical records are sealed from me. As I was digging I found out I was stolen, no adoption paper were ever signed.With more digging I found my birth parents, murdered and their child missing. It wasn't hard to put two and two together to realise my parents kidnapped me. I was numb to the news. I don't know what I wanted in that moment, I just knew I couldn't be there.
My so called family, never there. I would cry so much at night because i didn't feel loved, I felt alone. Never was able to open up.All my emotions and thoughts just gathered. Spinning around. Every thought flooding my body. My tears could satisfy one's thirst for years. Those nights I felt my lungs close, longing for air. My body aching for air. Tears filling my eyes. Hoping, praying that someone will realise I'm not okay. That I need something, someone anything. That my pain has grown more than just physical. I was drained, not from blood but everything else. Nothing else seems to matter. Left alone shaking. Can't move. Scared.
Time progresses I only get worse. Panic attacks become more frequent, pain is now apart of my everyday life. I hold a blade, tears in my eyes, I didn't want to turn back. Pressing deep into my skin. Feeling the burn. Euphoric. I did it again and again. Every cut was filled with anger, sadness, loneliness. All I could think about was maybe now they'll be here, I won't be alone. I was wrong. No one knew, no one cared. Not about my blood-shot red eyes. My heavy breathing. Invisibility, not being seen while right in front of someone. Invisible to everyone. Longing to just be seen, you never get it. You're left alone once again. Wondering how you can trust people who can't see you. Alone, a cure destined as a blessing.
It all made sense, me feeling neglected, unloved. They never truly understood me.
Until him.
He changed everything for me. We all have our own problems, some more than others, while some people's pain is when they're favorite Netflix series gets cancelled. He taught me that pain is pain. It's gonna hurt. Doesn't matter if I starve myself, cut myself , cry myself to sleep at night. It doesn't matter. Pain is all the same. He saw me different though. Through all the tears and cutting he saw me as perfect. He made me feel so loved. Like he truly cared. Giving me the love I so desperately wanted from my family by a man who came into my life so unexpectedly. Was it fate.One man changing my life for the better. I was scared. He made me feel things good things, whenever I felt that the ,person just disappeared and left. The good never stayed. So I thought, why would he be different. Why risk my heart when it's already barely pumping.
He risked it all first so I didn't have to. Deep down I know that thisman will soon be the death of me, and I couldn't think of a better way to take my final breath. No one will ever truly understand how he makes me feel. How I can breathe when I'm around him. I don't have to lie. I don't have to bury my feelings. I can just be me. Maybe it was an accident or maybe it was meant to be, but I do know he wouldn't be in my life if I wasn't good enough.
My heart fell into his hands. And ever so gently has he taken care of it. Any and everything didn't matter. Just him! The light in my dark world. I never knew love existed, not like this. I just sit and think about it and how good it feels to not be alone. To be loved by someone who loves you the same way you love them. That feeling of love, that feeling of safety. The comfort and happiness I never thought I could find.
We were up on the rooftop. All the stars glistening.
My head on his shoulders as he hold me close, almost like it's his last time.
This has been a lot. Almost dying.Finding out my true were murdered by my current parents.
I had been searching around the doctors medical computer. I had case files I'd never seen. Didn't take much to put two and two together. Although I wanted to be mad at the whole situation i couldn't. I felt relieved knowing that, i had genuine caring parents. People who loved and cared for me. For that reason my mind was at ease.
The feeling of him close to me, made my body feel so relaxed.
"Thank you for this," I mumbled with my eyes closed
"I will give you more than this one day," His lips touched my forehead placing a gentle kiss on top.
This right here. This moment. Him. It's all I want. I don't want this life anymore. I want to be with him and only him.
"Let's run away, away from all of it,"
He's eyes shifted down at me. "How,we're in too deep?" He questioned.
"We're the reason it going. If we stop so does it all. Italy won't have a mafia. My father is the leader, but he's dead! Which means it's passed down to the next eligible son,"
"Mason and Jason would decline!"
"Then we could leave, we all run away together and get to go separate ways,"
"This could actually work,"
"I know,Vincent we have to leave as soon as possible though, people know I'm here and know I'm hurt they're gonna start making plans to attack if we don't leave!" I started to stand up,removing myself from his warm embrace.
"But, you're hurt,"
"Would you rather me be hurt or dead, I killed their boss Vincent, they want my head not just to injure me, they want me dead!"
"Then let's leave now, I'm not going to have anything happen to you,"
I never thought I would have to run away from a life that others praised. Feeling so lonely from a family who's true intentions were never about me. The love from my family that grew to cold, sleepless nights. The strong feeling of never feeling good enough. Of being the mistake of the family. Showing them the do's and don'ts. Feeling the weight of being so fucked up that no one can help you. Feeling so lost in your mind that it can almost kill you. So I'm going to run. Run and never look back at the damage that's been done.
"We're leaving tonight!"
"I'll call your brothers and tell them the plan."
We both headed back down to my hospital room, I changed out of that god awful hospital gown into my own clothes. I needed to leave tonight and go back to the house and pack my things up. Vincent stepped out to phone my brothers. I gathered everything there with any sign I was in this room. I wasn't too focused on wiping the room down since I was running away.
I could feel the freedom aching around me. I gathered my things and met Vincent in the hallway
"Your brothers agreed! Everyone is packing up. The girls will pack your stuff."
I let a breath of relief
"Then why the hell are we standing here, I'm ready to get out of this damn hospital."
Vincent face showed concern. "Are you sure you're okay I mean you just got shot not even 12 hours ago"
"I'm going to be fine. I have the pain meds,"
His lips touched mine.
"The moment I think or see you in any pain, I'm taking your ass to get check out, that's final," A small smile fell to my lips. I don't know if it was because I knew he cared or at the established dominance that I so craved.
Authors note I'm back. This chapter holds so much promise and unfulfilled love. Some of my best writing if I do say so myself. Thank you all for reading death of me.
