Cancer
As i let Blake help me i am also drowning from misery. He laid out a treatment plan for me i am currently in his clinic while seating here he's trying to figure out what is the most invasive attack on my brain tumor. Yes, Yesterday when i went to get a PET scan i've found out that I also have a brain tumor that's pressing to my motors and slowly killing my motors and memories.
"Give me another day or three i'll try to figure it out as soon as possible okay?" He said while looking at my scans
"Yeah okay thats no problem take your time blake there's no rush" i replied
AFTER i went to blake's clinic i went hime to batangas to fetch the kids but before going home i went to the cemetery to visit my grandfather who died 17 years ago.
"Hi tay! Musta ka na? Pakiramdam ko malapit nako sumunod sayo, kunin mo na kaya ako? Ok naman na yung mga bata sina inay, si na kuya actually lahat sila ok na ako nalang ang hindi" i said to him while laughing bitterly.
I decided not to go home today i did not tell my husband that we're staying here until the end of the week i think that i need space from him, I think i need peace for just a little bit.
Theres no home without him no peace without him............
A week had passed niisa wala syang tawag or text ganin lang ba kami ng bata kadali kalimutan?
"Mommy!" I heard someone yelling at the door
My sweet boy
"Hello anak! How's your day with ninong and ninang"
"It was amazing mom we went to an amusement park after going to the mall" he said while smiling
"ano nics tumawag na ba?" kuya jiro said he's my cousin from mom's side
"yes kuya, he's onbthe way home uwi na kami sa baguio bukas" i lied again for him.
"sure ka?" he said with a doubt "yes kuya sure ako don't worry he's just helping red"
Tanghali na ng makarating kami sa Baguio alam ko naman na wala pa si pheonix dito pero umuwi pa rin kami masyado ata syang mahal para ipagtanggol ang mga kasinungalingan nya, binalewala ko ang nararamdaman at sakit ko para sa kanya hindi ko na alam kung tama paba ang ginagawa ko.
masaya ba ako sa ginagawa ko?
masaya ba ako na nakikita kong masaya ang asawa ko sa iba?
masaya ba ako o sadyang manhid lang ako nag bubulagbulagan lang para sa pag mamahal?
habang dumadaan ang mga araw nararamdaman ko na ang sakit ko madalas akong nanghihina at walang ganang kumain pero kailangan ko lumaban dahil kailangan pa ako ng pamilya ko, ayaw ko pang iwan ang mga anak ko masyado pang maaga.
tatlong araw na mula nang maka uwi kami dito ngunit wala pa rin pheonix na umuuwi.
"mommy, nasan po si daddy? sabi nyo po uuwi na tayo kasi tumawag na sya at umuwi na sya dito" tanong ni grace
"anak your daddy called kaninang umaga lang there was an emergency at his work eh i don't know kung gaano pa sya katagal mawawala, i'll try to call him and ask okay?" I replied while trying to put on a smile on my face.
I honestly don't know kung kelan sya babalik o kung babalik pa ba sya. hindi ko alam.
napag desisyunan ko na sa bahay nalang muna mag trabaho dahil wala pa rin namang kasama ang mga bata nag off kasi ang kanilang yaya dahil nag ka sakit yung anak nya sa batangas kaya kami lang ng mga bata ang nandito sa bahay.
"Gracie! Giddie! its time to eat" tawag ko sa kanila dahil 12:30 na ng tanghali at ngayon pa lang sila kakain dahil na tambakan ako ng mga papeles.
I heard the doorbell rang so i went to the monitor beside the main door to check who it was.
i thought it was my husband but its lucas red's cousin whose also my friend.
I went out to let him in
"have a seat luke"
"sure, thank you"
"what brings you here? red's not here" i said
"i know, nandito lang ako para sabihin sayo na ibigay mo nalang ang asawa mo kay red ang asawa mo lang ang natitirang kalayaan ni red ash"
"what?" i asked and shocked to what he had said
"give your husband to red ash he doesn't love you anyways." he replied
"GIVE my husband to red luke? ano ba ang tingin mo sa asawa ko lucas laruaan na pwedeng ipamigay at pag pasapasahan? gago ka ba? may mga anak kami lucas! at HINDI MO KAILANGAN IPAMUKA SAAKIN NA HINDI AKO MAHAL NG ASAWA KO DAHIL ALM KO LUCAS! ALAM KO! DAHIL WALANG LUMIPAS NA ARAW AS ANIM NA TAON NAMING PAG SASAMA ANG IPARAMDAM NYA SAAKIN HINDI NYA AKO MAHAL!" i burst out of anger i cant believe this man
"then give him to red! alam mo naman palang hindi ka mahal ng asawa mo bakit ipinag sisiksikan mo ang sarili mo sa kanya?!"
and there nag dilim ang paningin ko at nag init ang tenga ko nasamapal ko sya and he deserves it i know he does.
"get out of my house GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE LUCAS! GET OUT!" i said while pushing him outside the door
i felt so empty my knees felt so weak kung si pheonix ang nag papunta dito kay lucas para sabihin sakin ang mga bagay na yun bakit hindi na lang sya ang humarap sakin? bakit? dahil hindi na sya babalik? yun ba ang dahilan?
"mommy please stop crying" sabi ng mga anak ko na nakayakap sakin at umiiyak na din
"ok lang ako mga anak halika na balik na tayo sa table lets eat okay?" i asked them
"mommy we are always here for you okay? we love you mommy"
" i know anak i know and i love you two" i said while wiping my tears away.
hindi ko na alam kung saan pa ako lulugar.
hindi ko na alam kung dapat ko pa bang ipag laban ang pag mamahl ko sa asawa ko.
napapagod na ako pagod na pagod na ako.
