Eren's Tainted Rose

ch. fifteen

EREN'S POV

Mikasa sighed beside me, lifting the red scarf to her face. Armin was reading, as usual. I leaned back, staring out the window as we sat in a comfortable silence.

My mind drifted to Y/N, wishing I could have said more than I did three days ago. I always have so much to say, but how do I put it into words?

I'm scared to put myself out there just for her to dismiss me. Every time I try, something happens or she gets upset. I don't even blame her. How could I? I ruined her. I ruined us.

I know for all these years, I've made a stupid decision. I made it when I was young, thinking it was the right thing. It was selfish of me, beyond fucking selfish.

Every day, I feel this constant anger and hatred. Not towards her, but me and my past. It's caused me to make every stupid decision I've ever made.

My eyes traveled across the cafeteria and settled on her. She seemed lost in thought, her chin resting in her hand, her brows furrowed with focus.

It took everything in me not to stand up right now and take her in my arms. It took everything in me not to spill all of the truth, everything I've been bottling for years.

Y/N doesn't deserve me. She deserves better, someone who won't run away from her due to their fear. She deserves someone who can treat her better than I have all these years.

She doesn't deserve me, but she deserves the truth. So, even if she likes it or not, the truth is what I'll deliver to her.

"Where are you going?" Mikasa asks when I stand up.

"My room. To be alone."

I turned away, making eye contact with Y/N as I reached the exit. I saw the way Jean looked between us both, and the way his eyes hardened.

Fucking horse face.

Of course he had to be the one Y/N confided in. Everyone else seems to be absolutely oblivious to the fact that they're probably a thing.

But I couldn't miss that detail at all, with the way my eyes never leave her.

. . .

I grabbed the stack of letters off the floor once I got to my room, plopping in my chair.

These letters were ones I'd written as if I was talking to Y/N. It explains everything that I just haven't been able to tell her. There's years worth of letters, way too much for her to read.

What if she throws them out? What if she doesn't even care to read them?

Stop it, I shook my head.

I've spent way too much time overthinking about how Y/N would react. My overthinking caused me to make decisions that I regret, decisions that made me hold back from her.

I need to man up. I need to tell her everything, even if she's against it, even if she hates me in the end. It may not go the way I hope it does, but no matter what happens, my Rose will learn the truth.

That way whatever happens, at least I can say I tried.

I began sewing the letters together, binding them to create a book. It took hours, especially making sure everything was in the correct order.

A knock came from my door. I panicked, stuffing everything under my blanket. I rushed to the door, opening it to see Armin.

"Hello Armin."

"Hi, Eren. Is everything okay?" he asked, walking inside. I held back a grunt of protest, allowing him in.

"Yeah, why?"

Armin sat down on the edge of my bed. I swear I could almost feel beads of sweat drip down my face.

"You left suddenly, and it's been hours. Mikasa and I were concerned."

"Well I'm fine, Armin. I appreciate it though."

He gave me a short nod and a soft smile, walking himself out the door.

I began working again, finally finishing an hour after Armin left. Of course I felt unsure, but I swallowed the feeling down, deciding not to listen to any negative thought.

I laid back in bed, sighing from exhaustion. I pulled a photo out from under my pillow, staring at little Y/N as she had a rose tucked behind her ear, pulling on my cheeks, forcing me to smile.

A true smile formed on my lips every time I looked at the photo. Memories of us flooded through my mind every single time. It physically pains me when I look at Y/N, after all these years. I'd figure everything I felt would die down. That's why I made the decision I made all those years ago.

But it was a mistake. Nothing faded with time. All of it grew, becoming stronger every single day.

I stuffed the picture back under my pillow, sitting up in bed, tossing my hair into a bun.

Out of everything that's happened in my life, I truly think losing Y/N was the worst. Losing my parents didn't even have the effect she has on me.

The way I wished she would comfort me for years after their deaths was a feeling that left me empty. Knowing I'm the reason she couldn't ever be there for me pissed me off, making me feel a self hatred.

I'm not good with showing emotion. I'm good with fighting, and focusing on my anger, but I know I shouldn't. I can't say how I feel aloud. Hopefully these letters could make up for some of the horrible shit I've done to her. Hopefully it can say everything I've failed to say for so long.

Part of me wishes I told Armin so he could give me some feedback. I know he'd go along with my idea anyways. He's always pushed me to talk to Y/N. I don't know why it's taken me so long to go through with it.

I wish I'd done it years ago. I wish I never did any of the shit I did to her. I've done a lot of bad things and made plenty of mistakes in my life -- but hurting her is something I don't think I could ever recover from or forgive myself for.

So, I grabbed the book I made with all the letters, and practically ran to Y/N's room. I can't waste another fucking second.

I miss my Rose.