Both/And

Chapter 9: In Time

 It takes a few days for the Wakandan and Asgardian scientists to recreate the time-travel device alongside Dr. Banner, but when they do, Bucky goes with Carol to retrieve the gauntlet from Loki and he surrenders it without hesitation. It is a symbol of everything that has caused him pain and he is glad to be rid of it. They return the Infinity Stones to their rightful places in time and, when Steve Rogers returns, he declares his mission as Captain America is done and it's time for him to rest and figure out what to do with the rest of his life. He leaves the shield to Bucky with the instructions that he pass it along when the time is right.

Steve is among the first group of Avengers to leave Wakanda, and within a week, only Bucky, Thor, and Carol stay behind. But a teenage boy joins them, and Peter Parker is immediately taken by Shuri, his fascination with her technology leading to them giggling over jokes in the lab while she shows him Wakandan gadgets unlike anything he has ever seen.

Loki spends a lot of time in an alcove in the palace near his rooms, just around the corner from Thor's. The window runs from nearly the floor to ceiling, there is a low cushioned bench in front of it. He can lean against the cool glass and watch the world bustling below. It's how he feels about his own life – an observer to it from the outside, isolated from his own ability to choose what happens next.

It has been two weeks since he killed Thanos when he has a guest in his nook; Bucky leans against the wall beside him, "So...can I sit down?"

Loki tucks his knees to his chest, making space where his legs had been, "What do you want?" he asks a little more abruptly than he intended.

Bucky settles in beside him cross-legged and shrugs, "Not much. Just to check on you. You never really talk to anyone."

Loki raises his eyebrow, "That's all?" Bucky nods. Loki takes a moment to think and then says, "I know. I just...don't feel up to it."

"Look, you know I've had some shitty experiences, dealt with mind control, don't trust a lot of people, and live in a perpetual state of identity crisis on top of all that," Bucky says gently. He smiles at Loki, "I get it – things are complicated when you've been on the wrong side of history. But this is what we've got to work with, so...you know, we just have to figure out how to deal with it. And never saying anything to anyone but Sleipnir isn't going to help."

"And you tell me this why?"

He shrugs, "Because you're a lonely soldier with a traumatic experience and you just faced off with the guy who nearly killed you at least twice and I'm going to bet you thought killing him would solve your problems, but it didn't, and now you're fighting against your own head and you're not willing to ask for help." Loki just stares at him. "And that look tells me I'm right."

"What if you are?"

"Then you know you've got someone to talk to when it gets to be too much," Bucky stands, "Come find me when you're ready. I've got a room down the hall. If I'm not there, Shuri knows where I'll be. Maybe you should talk to her. She put me back together in more ways than one."

Loki shakes his head, "I hardly think a child would know how to help me."

Bucky glances back over his shoulder as he starts to walk away, "Suit yourself – she undid some of the mind control fuckery in my head. Dunno if it's the same kind of shit you deal with, but even if it's not...well, she's a brilliant scientist and inventor." He turns and walks backwards so he's still facing Loki, "According to Thor, you'd find her work pretty fascinating. Given the recent death of her brother, she could use another somebody who can appreciate her work." He turns back around and turns a corner.

Left alone, Loki stretches his legs back out and closes his eyes as he leans against the glass. This nation does fascinate him, and he wonders if letting himself be curious might help ease the emptiness and lack of purpose. But at the same time, the last time he was curious about a person or place, it was Sakaar and the Grandmaster. He'd charmed and questioned, but the cost of knowledge had been higher than he'd expected. The Grandmaster wanted things in return that Loki hadn't willingly given, but a payment was required of him and he did as he was asked. And before that, his curiosity was punished severely when he would ask Thanos or the Black Order about worlds, the Infinity Stones, or even his mission, beyond what was absolutely necessary for him to know. So for the past few years, curiosity has led to either humiliation or pain.