Both/And

Chapter 13: Waiting

When Bucky arrives in the infirmary, the first person he sees is Thor and the second, Shuri. Thor is pacing while Shuri tries to keep him from storming into the operating room to check on his brother.

"He's not going to be helped by your intrusion, Thor. The doctors need to be able to focus on their work without question or the pressure from your worries. They will let us know when he's stable and their work is done."

"And what if he isn't? Will we get word before he dies so that I can be beside him? And what if there's something they can't understand because he isn't human?" Thor asks.

"They scanned him first. They can learn his anatomy easily."

Bucky sighs, "Thor...he just tried to die alone. I know it would mean a lot to you to be next to him if he goes, but...that's not what Loki was trying accomplish."

"Are you saying he should be alone when he dies?" Thor says, hurt in his voice.

Bucky shakes his head, "No. But I'm telling you that if it happens, I think he'd be fine just knowing you cared enough to want that. Anybody who tries to slit their own throat isn't looking for a lingering death with time to say goodbye."

Thor stares at him a moment as a realization hits him, "You found him, didn't you?"

"Yeah."

"Did you try to stop him?"

"Thor, he was already collapsed on the floor by the time I got to him. I did what I could from there."

Thor drops onto a bench and sighs, "What did I do wrong?"

Shuri settles in beside him, "It isn't about what we do right or wrong. It's about what he was feeling. He was hurting – we all knew it. He told each of us enough to understand this wasn't going to be an easy healing. I don't think he wasn't trying. And we have to remember that he didn't try to die because of anything to do with us. This was a choice made from suffering."

Bucky crouches in front of Thor, "We were all trying to reach him. And we each made a little progress, but this isn't something you just solve once. You go back and forth and have good days and bad days. Sometimes really bad days. And not everybody gets over the kind of shit he's been through. I'm saying this from experience as one of the former bad guys. Just...be patient with him. Don't blame yourself. And don't be mad at him, either. It's not going to help."

Thor nods, "I'm not mad...I just don't understand."

"Yeah, I know. And in a way...that's actually a good thing. He's told me a lot. And I think he'd be really glad you can't relate to what he's been through or why he's feeling like this," Bucky replies.

"But if I can't understand it, how do I help him recover?" Thor asks.

Shuri rests her hand on his shoulder, "You aren't the only person who can help. But as his brother, what he will need from you is to know you're still there for him. To know this hasn't put a wedge between you. He will need your help with the physical recovery, but also just knowing you won't leave, even when things threaten to be too much for him to bear, will make a difference."

"You're not alone," Bucky adds, "Some of us have been through that shit – different flavour, same crap. We're here for both of you. And when we have to go our separate ways, we'll leave phone numbers so you can call when you need us...well, so long as the US government lets me talk to anybody. If they don't, I'll make sure to get word to you as soon as I can."

"I don't know how to handle this, my friends. I'm so glad you're both here. But someone is going to have to tell Carol and Peter and the queen and...well, anyone else, and I don't think it can be me."