Both/And

Chapter 11: Growth

Thor has found new friendship as well with Carol Danvers. They love to spar together and they tell stories from their travels at dinner, comparing notes from different worlds and laughing about chance encounters with the same people. Loki welcomes her presence at their table – that she and Thor fill the time with stories means neither of them attempt to force him into conversation. Peter and Bucky are happy to spend most of their time listening, too, though they both contribute their own stories, when they can. Shuri joins them every few evenings, her other suppers spent with her mother as they prepare for changes coming to Wakanda's way of governance, now that there is no flower to grant the powers of the Black Panther to their leaders and their princess is still a child.

But unlike Thor, who actively seeks to find new friends amongst the people in the palace, Loki keeps to himself as much as possible, spending time every few days with Peter and Shuri, and occasionally sitting with Bucky outside the palace in his simple home away from the busyness of the city. The quiet is soothing and Loki often brings Sleipnir with him – it is rare he goes more than a day without seeing his son.

Loki doesn't mean to start telling anyone more about his experiences, but when he sits outside in the calm, one of two things happens – he gets lost in the natural sounds and his mind clears or he gets lost in his thoughts and his heart sinks with the memories. Bucky learns quickly how to tell which of the two directions Loki is going simply by watching his body language.

It is on one of the days that it's clear he's lost in his head that Bucky sits across from him, crosses his legs, and says, "Hey – I need you to come back to the present with me for a minute."

Loki looks up, "Oh? I'm sorry, did I miss something?"

"Nah, but I know you're not having a great time in there, either, so how about you tell me one thing I can to do to help you process whatever's going on in your head."

Loki's first inclination is to decline, to resist saying anything, and to call for Sleipnir to return to the palace, but instead, he stops himself, "I was thinking about what I did to gain my safety with the Grandmaster."

"OK. You told me once that what you did wasn't something you wanted to, right?"

"Yes. But it kept me alive and gained his favour, so...it at least bought what it needed to."

"Do you regret it?" Bucky asks.

"I don't know that I can regret something that kept me alive," Loki answers.

Bucky shrugs, "Yeah, sure you can. You can regret a lot of shit, whether or not it got you something better in the end. Nothing's really an either/or anymore. You don't have to judge something as just good or just bad. It can be a mixed bag. It can be a both/and."

Loki slowly nods, "I suppose you're right. So yes. I do regret it."

"Care to say anything else about it?" Bucky asks.

Loki pauses, thinking, before he carefully chooses his words, "He was intrigued by me. He played that he didn't know the names of my worlds, but I think it was all a game – a way to toy with my head. He told me I was too pretty to be a fighter, and most definitely too refined a creature to be simply left for the scavengers to tear apart for meat – he was glad he'd had me brought in. But I wasn't going to meet his champion, the warrior who killed all the fighters he faced in some gladiatorial sport." Loki laughs softly, "And here I found out when Thor arrived that the beast was none-other than the Hulk. I'd faced him before. Thor arrived a few weeks after I did, which was incredibly odd, given that we were both knocked from the Bifrost by our sister mere moments apart. But in those few weeks, I allowed the Grandmaster to flatter me and I learned what flattery worked on him. Safety was secured through private audiences...and some not-so-private audiences. What he asked...that was not something I could negotiate. And it was not what I was prepared to offer. It wasn't pleasant. I still sometimes think about it and when I do, I want to go sit in the shower for hours as though I can scrub the memories from my skin."