Hi!
It's currently July 13, 2022. So much has changed since I've written in here. I like to think of this as my little progress report.. something that I'm using to document my emotions. I've been journaling since last year, so it's not that I'm solely relying on this to document my emotions. It's just something that wittle' ol me came up with!
Some life updates:
I'm 22 and a senior in college now. I graduate this December with a Bachelors in Communications - Film Studies and a Minor in ASL. I have an internship with the Big Thicket National Preserve. I'm a Park Ranger! Isn't that so cool? I think it is. I have lots of people that I adore. The film program gave me my film family, a bunch of people that I love so damn much. We have our ups and downs, but oddly enough, we've stuck through it all.
I've been through a lot recently. Nothing super tragic, but enough to make me look back and realize how much I've grown. I feel like I'm much more independent now, and I love myself far more than I have ever loved myself before. High school me would be proud of who I am now, and would also be excited to see what's gonna happen in her life. Shoot, I'm excited for what the future has for me!
I realize I've been a documenter.. I don't actively write in my journal or anywhere, but I've documented the milestones (or what I feel like would be emotional milestones) in my life, and this is one of those documents! I'm laughing at my younger self. Little did she know!
Boy, was I boy-crazy! I think I still am, but also, I've been analyzing myself a lot and realize that I don't think I can help it. I think my "boy-craziness" has just gotten more tolerable now. Or maybe it's still being boy-crazy but from an adult perspective. You see, my birthday's July 1st, and in my birth chart, my top 5 are all cancers. Yeah, I'm a whopping penta-cancer and it's literally rooted in me to care so goddamn much, be so fucking sensitive, and nurture so hard. I have to find someone to take care of, or I won't entirely know what to do. It's a blessing but also a curse! I've been taking care of myself a lot, but now I'm just tired to where I want someone to take care of me.
I've also been frustrated with myself for wanting love. I got out of a 4-year relationship with someone that I thought I was going to marry, and within the next week, immediately attempted a friends-with-benefits relationship with one of my best friends. To be fair, I had realized how unhappy I was with the 4 year relationship, and my best friend at the time was showing me how exactly I wanted to be treated and I immediately fell for that. The FWB situation was actually a lot of fun! I'll always cherish those times and I believed it made us stronger together and individually. Unfortunately, we did not see eye-to-eye on things and our feelings were not on the same page. It caused a lot of tension and hurt our friendship, but that's okay. I'm still okay.
I'm thankful for the four-year relationship too. There isn't really a single thing that I'd want to change. I believe it was puppy love, and I wish nothing but happiness for him! We were compatible as teenagers, but we grew to realize that we weren't on the same page as adults. Our breakup wasn't the best, but time does heal and I'm happy to say that I can look back at our relationship in a positive light now! I realize my mistakes, and I hope to not make them again. I only ask that my next love will be patient with me.
I've written somewhere (somewhere being my secret but not-so-secret twitter account that only I can see and no one else) these words exactly: "i can't tell if i'm just an attention seeking whore or if it's truly meant to be in me to always have someone to like or to love or have a crush on. is that the penta-cancer in me that's preventing me from being single???" and then I had a looooong talk with my roommate about this and I eventually came to this conclusion: "this is confirmed: i just have to find the right balance of liking someone and liking me."
After my breakup, I focused really hard on myself, which I see the results of, and I really started to love myself even more after my situationship breakup. Those two events propelled me into who I am today, and you guessed it, I have a crush!
Well actually... it's more than a crush? We've been friends for so long but we've been talking romantically for three months now, kissin' and cuddlin' and all that shit. It seems to me that he's getting closer to asking me to be his girlfriend (which I am so!! hoping!! for!!) I've had a crush on him for a long while, and this person.. it's something different this time. He makes me so calm, it's insane. I've belly laughed so much with him, cried of laughter, never had a boring conversation with him ever. We could be the stupidest humans alive and have the most intelligent conversations too! He marks off just most of what I want in a significant other, and I'm still uncovering more about him so there's more to come! We were both scared to enter this from our past situations, so we're making sure to always be on the same page and I am so grateful for that.
My favorite things so far is that it's a long distance relationship, so this helps me massively in my self-love and independent growth. This teaches me how to be patient as well as understanding what my needs and wants are, and I'm a firm believer in the phrase of "distance makes the heart grow fonder." My other favorite thing is that I love how he is with me. His goofy ass self always wants to call me every day at least once. It's our routine now to say goodnight to each other, and if I'm not in the mood to talk, he always asks if he could verbally tell me goodnight. He makes sure to squeeze me in his day, and it makes me speechless sometimes. I can sense his care, and it's different from what I'm used to, and honestly, I'm so fucking excited to see more of it.
I absolutely adore him. I hope this doesn't backfire on me, and I don't ever want this to backfire on me. It's gonna be such a painful heartbreak if it does, but it'll all be worth it. Oh younger Delicia, he's so sweet. All of your fanfictions that you've written? Remember that one specific one with stargazing with the "if you look closely, you'll find a penis" line? You have it. You have a "look at the sky!!" now. He sent you the night sky from Cabo. :)
No one's held him before, so you must hold him with all of the love that you have for him. Hold him so tight but so tenderly, and remind him how loved he is. He's so damn loved! By our friends! You actually have someone that loves your friends just as much as you do! He matches your energy constantly, and I can already tell you're going to have a blast. Whether if temporary or permanent (we're aiming for this one!), it'll all be so much fun, and so worth it.
It's a new experience, and I admire this slow-burn that's been happening. I look forward to all of my new adventures that's lined up for me! My film career is kicking up a notch, I've gotten closer to my roommate who's now my ultimate best friend, I'm a PARK RANGER, I'm involving myself more and more with the Deaf community, and soon I'll be in a new city! Forever grateful for everything.
We'll see when the next time I'll update this. :)
love, Deli
Pip pip cheerio!
