JOURNALED

March 14 11am

This has really changed. I promised myself the pain would vanish and I did. I'm bettering my self but I still have a life to live so I can make mistakes and fix them.

March/April I said .....

Ive always hated attention seekers...
But yet im one. Im one of the many  kids that does dumb shit, says dumb shit, and lies about dumb shit to get attention.
Oh, but not for popularity. Not for society to see me as a good person. I dont give a fuck what you think about me. But as i said i hate attention seekers. Which means i hate myself. Yep i hate myself. I dont want to talk to people about my pain. I dont want you asking me about my pain. "Are you ok? ".NO.
there could be small shit. Like somebody's eyes. Body. Hair. Eyebrows. That can catch someone's attention. But me, i have to go the farthest to find attention. Never have i had it. Never have i thought id want it.. Until now. My pain. Its overgrown. And will soon overgrow me and take over me. But nobody would know. They wouldnt care. My pain is blind or invisible to the naked eye. To the average human. Im not neutral. Im in pain. But yet too stubborn to let anyone know that.
People are so naturally stuck on people they dont care for. Yet they dont see me. Think of it like this... Whoevers reading this.
Im like the shortest person in a crowd of tall people. People dont care for me even when i care for them. It hurts but it shouldn't. Anyway.... I dont care to have a impact on people or society or the youth . But i will have a unitentional impact on people in general. People will love me. People will hate me. And i respect that. But as of now im no where near that. Its just people hate me. I dont know who to trust. Love. I dont know. I dont know who loves me. But i do know that in order to get that attention, ill do whatever. In order to be seen ill do whatever. in order to find my source of happiness. I'll do whatever. But as of now im paralyzed with pain.

            
                        𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧.
                         𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐛𝐲𝐞. March 13.10pm 
March 14 11am
Hello

As much as i wish i would die, it wouldn't happen. I cant kill myself because im too pussy to do it. My coping mechanism is music. Sometimes the shit helps sometimes it doesn't. my heart still hurts. Im not heartbroken. Im just  𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧.
I dont gain attention. I crave it....
Next topic ...
𝐇𝐔𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐒.

Humans fascinate me, but disgust me.

Just their existence.

Their happiness.

Their excitement.

I may sound boring but thats not my problem. My problem is that im terribly insane and i dont get help. I scare myself. I disgust my self. I hate myself.
Yea, i hate myself because i dont stand up for myself. Im to scared of what ill do if i lash out. If i kill someone i necessarily care about not love. Then it would be my fault. I'll feel bad. And i dont want to.

𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦.
𝐆𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐛𝐲𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡 𝟏𝟒 𝟏𝟏𝐚𝐦   

Hello again. April 17 9pm

Im trying. Im trying so fucking hard, if i could escape away from this state of mind i would happily do so. I cant escape you as must as i would love to. Its just the pain i feel is your happiness. But at the same time youre not in a right state of mind either but why throw it at me?

Im the target of everything. Behind this face some people find lovey or soothing or intimidating. Im hurt. Im in pain. But you cant see it because i dont say anything. Im trying to control myself. I dont want to go crazy. Even though im in pain i also have anger. And i don want to put it out on you.

Because as must i dont want to. I love you.

Youre family?

I dont want you to be but look we dont all get what we want. Everything you do is irritating when you dont trigger my pain.
I try. I try. I try.

You wouldnt understand because what could we possibly have in common.

You have been the poison in my brain for years. Its getting old but i have a plan to break down that barrier that you have up. Im going to use your weaknesses against you. But i cant do that if youre throwing me down like a piece of trash. I dont want to be here. My only escape is the family that i dont see on a daily basis. You? Youre getting tiring to look at. My soul craves a new one.

My soul craves the presence of another soul. But this i cant take. This pain is getting unbearable but i can get though it. Im promising myself.

If i cant then i need saving. My soul needs saving. Im hurt and youre doing the hurting. Youre causing the pain. So i need a fresh soul to save mine.

𝓢𝓐𝓥𝓔 𝓜𝓔. 9PM 𝓐𝓟𝓡𝓘𝓛  17 2022

Wow I'm intelligent. I'm reading this shit and now I see what people talk about me for the words are so captivating.

I don't have the pain. I resolved it. But in a sense I'm still vengeful. I want my revenge but I want karma to get you .

But then again, karma is taking too fucking long and you're getting comfortable by the second..

I don't love you even though I'm supposed to. Your blood. But not family. In my brain youre not on track with me.

I'm on another page. I don't know where you are. Now that I don't need saving. I need to gain my energy back. I need a soul to help me gain my energy back.

That's all I got.

Have a good day/night.

I love you.

You're not alone.

We're ONE.

Bye