World War 4: Sticks and Stones

Ben: Part Nine

What had I become? I remembered the days when life was normal. I was happy, always happy. I remembered the days when I loved Eliza. There were days when I had loved her differently than I loved her by the end, where I would do anything to protect her life, not take it. I knew that I had done the right thing, but I wished that I could have done something differently. She never approved of what I had to do, but it never ceased to be true that I had to do it anyways. I was let out of my cell this morning. I didn't kill Peter immediately. I still could not shake this feeling that I needed to make him suffer. I tried to tell myself that he at least deserved a quick death, but every single time I would look at his bloody mangled face from my assault, I was taken backwards in time to when I ran as fast as I could. I wanted to save those lives in that chamber, but I was too late. When I reached the birthing chamber, all that was waiting for me were bloodied, dripping carcasses of people who looked at me with dead, cold stares. "You failed," they whispered. "You were too late. You failed." It became overwhelming. My head started to spin in all directions, my vision became blurry. Now that he was here, there was nothing that I could do to stop him from doing it again. He could kill thousands again, while all I could do is watch as he peels the flesh from their bones. Now the living bodies from where I was standing all collectively broke their necks to stare straight into my soul. "You will fail again. You will fail again." "NO!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, a scream that could pierce the heavens. I am sure that my father and Eliza heard this scream. My vision returned. Instead of broken-necked people foreseeing my failure, I saw concern on each of their faces as if someone had just died. I fell to my knees. I said nothing. I just fell to my knees. The cold rough dirt flew up in a heap as if to mock me further, covering me in dust.

As I was yellowed with dust, and embarrassingly on me knees, I thought of my fate again. I had two things that I had to do. I had to kill Peter to protect these people. And I had to make sure that Destiny could never love me. The latter seemed to be a harder task. She was the first to come running to me. She fell to her knees next to me and placed her arm around my shoulder. "Dad! Are you ok." I couldn't speak. We just sat in silence, our thoughts vibrating through space into the other's soul. We didn't say a word to each other, but I knew everything that she was thinking. "I'm scared for you, dad." "No one is as scared for me as I am." I was a mess of dirt and skinned knees from the hard ground. After a few moments of kneeling there, she stood up and put out her hand. I could not take it. I stood up on my own after her. "There's wipes in a storage area. Let's get you cleaned up, dad." I followed her to storage. She grabbed a plastic container of wipes and handed them to me. I reluctantly grabbed myself a wipe and started wiping down my body. As I would wipe, each new part of my body would shiver and produce goose bumps. It was a beautiful experience that I had no memory of ever feeling. It was a cold and wet sensation, yet undeniably soft. But as the wipe would clean, it would become coarse and yellow, so I would grab a new one. The same would happen again over time. That sensation would arouse my senses, and then it would cause pain. Eventually, my body was clean and I sat at Destiny's feet. "Dad, are you ok?" She was concerned about me. She was afraid. I wanted to answer her, I truly did, but I could not. I could not let her get close to me as Eliza did. Destiny's life was what caused me to be resuscitated. She saved my life. She gave me feeling again, touch again. She cared about me, but that same care that was saving my life was also the same care that was destroying it. What if that care were ever to evolve into love? I thought about that. If love was what protected Eliza from witnessing Peter's death, then Destiny's love for me would try to protect me from taking Peter's life. But she would fail. She would die trying. She couldn't love me, nor could I love her because if love is what gives life, it is also what takes life away. I knew this because I had seen it. In an answer to her question, I took a deep breath and stood on my own. "Yes." I said as I pushed her away. I left the storage hall into a wider hall full of people. Some were hopeful, some hopeless, but all were so much more alive than I was. At the end of the wide hall was an unfinished tunnel. I looked to my side where Destiny had followed me. "What's the goal?" "We found a radio station that we believe is within a couple hundred miles or so. We believe that they have access to plants and animals. We believe that there is life if we keep digging, if just a small speck of it." I shook my head. After all that I had seen, hope was foolish. "Does everyone truly believe that life is still possible? We are savages, Destiny. Do you not think that people haven't come to save us because they know what we have done? Peter is insane. He's killed thousands in the most gruesome ways that you could imagine. I've bitten the heads off of the necks of children that could have grown to be like you. They could have had your intense courage and your intelligence and your heart, but instead they were devolved into sustenance for people like me who did not deserve to eat. If we create civilization, do you truly want to develop a society based on these morals? There's no point, Destiny. Even if we win, we are creating a civilization of cavemen. It's not right." She thought about this for a moment. "So, what do you suggest we do." "I suggest we live and then we die. I have one reason for being on this Earth. Find yours." She looked no less determined than when I first asked her what she was trying to do. "This is mine."

At this, I shook my head and wandered off. She didn't understand what she was trying to do. She had so little love for these people that she wanted to keep them suffering for years. She wanted to multiply these terrible people instead of just letting them die. She was trying to create a cycle of evil and chaos, rather than protecting them from themselves. I felt so bad for this civilization. I felt so bad for Destiny. She was going to commit her life to something that was nearly impossible. It was going to kill her. I could see it end in the same way that my goals have gone. She would see only the death and destruction and chaos that life brings. She would see the hatred in humanity. I tried to warn her. I would confront her with more force, but that would be admitting that I loved her, so I could not do that. She had to learn for herself that this was but a fruitless endeavor, a journey to the end of a rainbow. She was going to dig for the rest of her life, and I was going to have to watch as her bubbly heart turned to cracked cobblestone. I feared for her, but the meaning of her life was hers and mine was mine, and they would never cross.

In fearing for her, I sat on a bench in the wide hall full of people and watched them. On the right side of the hall I watched A man and his child. The child was about four years old. I could only feel the pain that she would feel as she got older and watched life hate itself. Right now, however, she was full of energy. "Catch me!" She yelled as she ran across the room. The dad was beaming with laughter as he slow ran to try to catch his daughter. When he closed in, she jumped away and giggled "missed me" as she stuck out her tongue at him. There was a woman sitting and reading a book who jumped up and snuck up behind the young child. "Ha! but I didn't" as she grabbed the child and picked her up. The child was no longer giggling. Instead, she was laughing hysterically. "Weee!" I finally put together that this was their child. The woman and the man made this child. Together. They voluntarily created a living being. But what I found most astounding was that there was not a single bit of fear in their hearts at that moment. In fact, the only emotion that I could feel from them was joy. I was confused. These parents had eaten children before. They had seen evils unimaginable before they came to this bunker, yet in all of this, they decided to start a family. This was a foolish hope, I tried to convince myself. This was foolish, laughable, unwarranted, hope. It was disgusting. But even though it was disgusting, seeing them smile made me smile. I tried to push it down, but I just couldn't. I even laughed a little bit. Destiny saw me smiling and sat down next to me. "This is why I have hope, Dad. They aren't psychotic, or evil people. They were just forced to do evil because they had to. This is why we can create civilization again. At the root of humanity, at the very core of a soul is love." I stopped smiling at that word and became angry again. "There is no love here! because there is no death!" "Love is not death. You need to stop and look around. Love is what builds the foundation of this bunker, not hope. Most of these people don't believe that we are ever going to find life again. Most of these people believe that we are living in the end of the world, but they don't kill because of it, they create because of it. They prosper because of it. There's a sad lack of hope in this bunker, but there's never been a lack of love. Dad, you are troubled. I understand. You saw thousands of lives taken before your eyes and you believe that there is one reason for it all. You were put in charge of all these people, but you never cared about them, you cared about revenge. Dad. You never loved Eliza. You never loved her. Your quest for revenge was never about your love for her, but your hate for Peter. And I know you still want him dead, but you have to understand that it won't bring Eliza back. It won't bring those people back that Peter killed. You need to find love, not this evil convoluted nonsense that you call love, but love. Something that you cherish with every ounce of your heart, that you would protect with every fiber in your muscles. You would protect their life, not take it. You may have loved Eliza at some point in your life, but you do not understand what love is now. Just breath. Just sit here. Take in the happiness of others. You do not need a samurai's purpose to be happy. You can just have love. Even if it's not love for me, but just the existence of humanity. Love for the fact that humanity in this place prospers, even without a plan, or hope. It's beautiful, dad. I wish you could see how beautiful it is." I took a breath. I sat there. I took in the happiness of others. I forgot about my samurai's purpose. For just one moment, I let myself forget about my fear of love. and it was indeed beautiful.