Until I Found You

nine

~ STEVE ~

The door slams loudly behind me.

I throw the folder on the table just outside of it, ignoring the attention I was receiving from the agents milling around nearby. I don't hesitate, I just keep my feet moving.

I'm not used to being this wired, this on edge. The serum that turned me into a super-soldier came with many side effects. Sure I was stronger, faster. I got taller and put on muscle weight too. But it has also dulled a lot of experiences for me. Things like caffeine and alcohol no longer have the same effects on me that they had pre-serum. In fact, they don't have any effect at all. Sometimes it feels like I've gone so long without them that I've forgotten what it feels like, but not right now. Right now it feels like someone took a needle and shot espresso straight into my bloodstream.

I continue making my way across the floor until my hands slam into the door that leads to the nearest staircase. I place my hands on the railing, letting my head fall to my chest as I take a deep breath and try to re-center my control. It seems impossible now. My thoughts are spiraling, sprinting around my head, conflicted and confused. They might as well be running around a track because every thought, every tangent just leads me circling back to her.

I just don't get it. I don't get her at all. I'd always thought soulmates had this instant connection, but I don't feel that with her at all. At least not in the conventional since. All I feel is agitated, and confused. I can still hear her words ringing in my head, can still see the look on her face as she criticized me for bringing up her mother the way I did. That thought only unleashes an onslaught of regret. Then I remember the facts. I remember the circumstances of how we met. I remember the fact that she's withholding important information and the things I've read about her in her file. Then the regret just morphs into more confusion and agitation.

I'm not sure how long I stay in this position. It could have been seconds, minutes, or hours and I wouldn't have felt the difference. All I know is one second I'm completely alone, and the next the door to the staircase swings open behind me. I let go of railing, turning around to see Bucky walking through the frame.

"How you holding up?" He asks, nodding his head slightly in greeting as he stands across from me, back leaning against the wall.

I hang my head back down as I fall back against the railing, exhaling deeply as my gaze returns to the floor.

"That good, huh?" I hear him say through a short laugh.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now." I shake my head in frustration. "This girl has me completely out of my element."

"Well to be fair that's you with most girls." He replies with a smirk.

I'm not annoyed by his attempt at a joke. It's true that I've never been great with women. It's just never been much of a priority, especially when I was so sure I'd never even find my soulmate. I'm also not in the mood to laugh right now. Still, my attention is much too laser-focused on my current problem than to drift into thoughts of anything else.

"I don't know how to talk to her, how to be around her." I tell him, truthfully. "I think I thought I could separate where we found her from the fact that she's my soulmate, but I can't."

The admission comes with more images of her swimming around my head. The fear in her eyes at the casino, the anger in her fists in the interrogation room, the defeat in her shoulders as she told me about her mother. I can see all of them clear as day, but as much as I can see her, I still don't understand her. Not at all.