Tuesday 19th February 2013
Day 2
8:19am
Here i am sitting in my class at 8 : 19 am all by myself looking around to see its just me who appeared really early today . hmmm. I've missed alot of classes and days from uni cuz i just didnt want to come . People just dont get it that have issues can affect all your life and that its not a phase . I was twisting and turning all night trying to think out all the thoughts in my head driving me mad . thinking about how i got my best friend back but all my feelings have changed . About how whenever i call her she sees where my topic stops which doesnt last more than 5 mins and then she ends the call. She says that we should talk more often on the phone . I seriously dont get her . I have been having alot of suicidal thoughts and i still do . I discovered yesterday that the pill i'm taking ZOLOFT is actually an anti - depressant . I didnt even know its cause the doctor didnt explain to me fully he just prescribed . Nice now i'm just a lab experiment , stuff me with drugs .
Going back to where i was , waking up really early around 6 : 50 am , then sleeping for an extra few more minutes .... arghhh . I have to get it up !!!! this is so annoying . the more i wana sleep the more my mind pushes me off my bed.. ( not literally ..lol) so ya . I take my phone and just check for any messaages ... long live no one . Not surprised . I get up .. craving something really sweet of course i have to pass by the mirror to check how my abs are doing .. hehe .. they're fine . off to the fridge , ate then went to change my clothes . couldnt decide which shirt to put on . but eventually i put on my grey shirt black jacket and dark blue jeans . Off to university . before that i bought myself a packet of biscuits and milk . Oh come on , i didnt really eat from the fridge , I ate a home-made bounty truffle thats it .
Class started and the professor walks in and pass his regards of the morning . most of the class have not turned up , out of 40 law students , only 20ish have turned up I'm feeliing really dizzy and cant seem to keep my eyes open for a long time . Can feel a black out coming . Today feels really weird . well after all that social shit that has been on my back from everyone , well i just dont want to be part of their life anymore . i feel so anti - social . looking at my class mates and remembering how i used to treat them , from really fairly and kind to extreme aggressiveness and evil thoughts of hurting them .
My therapist is away on holiday and i really need to get alot of my chest . But whats weird is that whenever i am in her office i feel like i have nothing to complain about , i start asking myself what am i doing here ? i am fine . why does this go through my mind when i seriously need to let a lot out of my mind . its really weird . anyway , she's gone to Kentucky , USA . I'm here in the middle east , Abu dhabi praying and waiting for a miracle day that all this just disappears or I switch off my system my own way. I just recieved a call from my friend the one that thought i have a crush on her and that i wana date her and all that stupid nonesense , I did admit i'm bi but that doesnt mean i'm that type of person to crush and fall in love with a girl and be all out about it . I've decided to just avoid and move on from everyone bit by bit til i'm finally gone from everyone.
My plan is to just finish the 2 coming years on university and just run away and never come back . Cut all contact with everyone and start my journey of life as a lawyer . I've decided this because i know that i can do so much without anyone . I've been hurt and being hurt currently from alot of events that have happened to me . My parents are just the type to let me adventure but they are feeding me" the come back home even though u're free bug " . I am sick of this , its driving me crazy how they can control me . My worries are mostly for my mother . Here's why , its that dad as his highness doesnt hold up to what he says , he changes like a chameleon and tends to fake what he can . Ok ok ... he;s generous by money and seriously not much has changed , I am not even allowed to sit in my room and relax on my bed . He says it's madness and that the person becomes pshycologically disturbed .
My sister , well ... what can i say about her ? since i've been a kid she's always been that model and really nice person but eventually the big sister hormones kick in . She became really bossy , rude , judgemental .. more like living with a police woman . She tends to say and make me feel bad about being myself . About how I am is so cave man like and its really hurtful . she orders and sends me to do for her all that she wants and whenever i ask her for something , Mom gets angry and says go get it yourself stop ordering your sister . Mom tends to be on her side most of the times , as my sister convinces mom that i'm the one that has done wrong . Mainly blaming me really .
Mom is dependent on affection from me , she says i bring out the child in her. I believe that but its just that i cant stay around forever i seriously need to go and live my life and just use my talents and my soul to its rightful use for my mission in life . To provide and help people around the world , build schools , hospitals , houses , making a tv show , act , sing , make my ranch in texas , go to ireland , meet the native americans that still live ( not alot ) and hopefully have them help me through life using the mother nature's way . I was so inspired by their culture and tradition of their bond towards earth and its creatures.
I'm writing on and on about whats going on in my mind , as the professor walks back and forth in the class preaching about how the romans used love , respect to symbolize authority and giving value to a person .
day went on , well what can I say ... being anti - social and holding myself just got worse . And I just dont want to be part of anyone's life . As i know i will be disappointed again . People just wont stop joking around with me , i've held it on as a joke for sometime but it has gone way outta hand now. So , i told them straight that i will not talk to them anymore strictly final . I havent gone to my spanish class ( I had an exam but havent gone ) I feel so sad and just fed up of everything i dont want to be part of anything . I just wana sit outside really high or just near the sea and just let myself go .
Days are feeling likee years just being like this , people going on and on about homework and I'm just here writing wondering how and what to do cuz i'm so sick of everything . All i'm doing now is pushing people away
6:55pm
Well , now it's going to be this new me that will be and will always be from now on . it's all i can say now . No more being that person that does or gives or provides a smile to just fake a lie that i am living . I cant type long as the university bus comes at 7 : 40 pm and i havent got much time to write on but i'll be posting back on when i reach home maybe i guess . I gor lost following you .wrote that off while i was just listening to Lost - KT Tunstall . I will be posting in tomorrow as this is my virtual diary . If anyone wants to contact me feel free . send me a message or post . Take Care.
