Butterflies | Niki Nihachu x Reader

♡Tells♡

TW: Death, MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), anxiety, depressive episodes, struggling with eating, and vomiting.  I'm sorry that it's a lot, but I wanted to write angst.

I spent the rest of Christmas with everyone. It turns out Phil was Puffy's best friend when they were younger. We all laughed talking about memories we had with each other. I told them everything about my two years with Puffy. But I left some things out. Like how I died, how I have come to find out that I have Major Depressive Disorder, and anxiety, and how I have Depressive episodes a lot. My Depressive episodes look like this, I'll just be sitting down, or having a good time, and I just become sad. A lot of times I struggle with eating. I either eat to much, or I eat to little. I'll go to do something I enjoy, and I have little energy to do it. And I'll have trouble sleeping. It's a struggle, but I pog through the pain.

It was now evening, and I was in my room. Phil continued to have my room made, so when I came back I would have it. I was laying down on my bed, facing the wall, hugging a pillow to my chest. Tonight was one of the times a depressive episode started at night. No thoughts were going through my head. Except for the thought of running away. I desperately wanted to run. I felt that if I left everyone would be so happy. I didn't want to kill myself. I just wanted to run. I stared at the wall for what felt like forever, when I noticed the sun rising. I couldn't sleep. Well, I could. But my body wasn't ready. I can sleep anytime, all I have to do is close my eyes and I'm out, but my body wasn't processing the fact that I needed sleep. I turned to the other side, now facing the window in my room. I decided to get up, and get ready for the day. I took a shower, and got dressed. I had on leggings, and a hoodie. I brushed/combed my hair, till it looked decent, and sat on the window seat in my room. I brought my legs up to my chest, and I kept my eyes glued to the sunrise. When it fully raised, I frowned. The sun was just like us. We shine as bright as we can, and we be ourselves, only for people to complain about us, or hate our guts. I leaned my head on the glass, and closed my eyes. I just listened to the quietness. I was interrupted by my door being slammed open. My eyes opened, and I look at my door startled. 'Tommy.'

"Oi bitch! We're eating breakfast, come downstairs." He says loudly.

"I'm good. I don't feel like eating." I say quietly.

The door closes quietly, and Tommy sits down infront of me. "What's wrong?" He asks worried.

"Just having a episode. I'll be fine tomorrow." That was a lie. A huge lie. I wasn't going to be fine tomorrow.

"Depressive episode?" He questions. I simply nod my head, and look out the window.
"Can you please come downstairs atleast? You don't have to eat a whole meal. My dad made biscuits and gravy. I want you to atleast eat a biscuit."

"I-I can do that." I say looking at him.

"Good, now come on. Everyone's waiting for us." He says smiling. I got up, and we went downstairs. When we got into the smaller dinning room, everyone smiled as we walked in. Everyone already had their plates. Tommy nudged me with his shoulder, and motioned for us to get our plates. I put a biscuit on my plate, and put some gravy over it. I didn't want to be rude, and not eat a meal that was made by Phil. Tommy looks at me concerningly. I just smile, hoping it helps. We both take our plates, and sit down with everyone else. There were already water cups at our spots waiting for us. We sat down, and started eating. I ate, and wanted to throw up. It made me feel sick. It wasn't his cooking, because it was amazing, it was just the fact that I was forcing myself to eat.

"So Y/n, how did you sleep?" Phil asks kindly.

"I slept amazingly." Lie.

"Are you happy to be back?" He asks smiling.

"Of course, I never want to leave again." Lie.

I just kept telling lies. I felt fake. We finished breakfast, and we all cleaned our plates before deciding we wanted to just hangout together as a group. We had been talking for about 10 minutes when I excused myself. When I closed the door, I sprinted to my room. I closed the door behind me, and ran to the bathroom. I kneeled down next to the toilet, and threw up. I couldn't handle it. I felt a hand rubbing my back, as I threw up. When I was done, I flushed the toilet, and looked at who was rubbing my back.

"Tommy?"

"You looked pale when you left, so I wanted to make sure you were okay." He says patting my back.

I was about to say something, but I turned back to the toilet, and threw up. Tommy continued to pat my back, and even put my hair up in a ponytail. (If you have long enough hair)

"Sorry.." I mutter wiping my mouth.

"Don't apologize." He says softly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really..." I say quietly. He nods, and we sit there in silence for a few minutes.

"Do you want to go back down?"

"Yeah.."

And just like that we went back downstairs to the living room. Everyone was laughing. I guess I didn't look to good, because Niki looked at me with a confused look. I smiled at her, and sat down next to Tommy. We continued talking for a while till some of us decided we wanted to go back to our rooms. Me being on of them. I walked to my room, and closed the door. My stomach hurt terribly, and I felt like I needed to puke again. I went to the bathroom, and sat down next to the toilet. I puked. It drained me. I flushed the toilet, wiped my mouth, and just stayed there. I had no energy to move. I was about to fall asleep, when a soft voice laced with worry made my eyes widen.

"Y/n?" I heard Niki ask with worry. My eyes widen with fear. No one was supposed to see me like this. She stood at the doorway of my bathroom. She was completely still. Her eyes were filled with horror.

"Niki I'm fine. I think I just have a little bug." I say looking at the ceiling.

"You're pale..you look like you're about to pass out.."

"Nah, I'm fine. I look like that a lot." Which was true, except for the part where I said I was fine. I get up, wash my hands, and sit down on my bed. Niki sits down next to me.

"What's going on?" She asks grabbing my hands.

"Just a depressive episode. I'll be okay."

"Just-" She sounded angry. "Love, it's not 'just' a depressive episode."

"It's fine, it'll brush over in a few days, maybe even in a few hours." I say shrugging my shoulders.

"Can you tell me what one of your episodes is like?"

And so I explained. I told her everything. In the end, she hugged me, and told me that she wasn't going to leave me.

"I'm either staying in your room, or you're staying I'm my room. Where do you wanna stay?" She asks smiling.

"Your room."

"Okay! Get some clothes in a bag, and c'mon!" She exclaims. I get up, and put some clothes in a bag, and other things, like my notebook, and we walk out of my room. When we go to her room, I look around.

"It's the same.." I whisper.

"Yup! I didn't want to change anything." She says smiling.

I set my stuff down, and I jump on Niki's bed. "I missed you." She says kissing my cheek.

"I missed you too." I say before kissing her.

In that moment I knew that I was ready. I was ready to be with my love.

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I wanted to make this chapter angst, because I've been going through a depressive episode, and I wanted to spread awareness about this kind of depression. Y/n will maybe have one more depressive episode in the next book, but that's it. I will probably talk about it in the next book, I just won't go into to much detail, like I did today.