Complicated

Prolouge

The heavy, warm air of the dimly lit room smelled of lavender and chamomile and clung to my body like a fog over the bay. Final notes from a violin concerto moved effortlessly through the haze infiltrating my ears, offering a smooth contrast to the silence in my head. A slight tingle on my skin left by his strong hands faded into a distant memory, slowly allowing the release of the final strongholds of tension left from the last six months of torture. A feint, gentle knock disturbed my placid state of unconscious awareness. A moan crossed my lips soon replaced by a dutiful acknowledgement of the end of my day of relaxation.

"A once in a lifetime opportunity to travel the world, get paid for minimal responsibility and experience the best accommodations Europe and America have to offer." was how the ad read. The culprit that led to my near constant state of panic and toxic stress. At the time, the opportunity was too good to pass up. It was the easy path. A way to move on. A new adventure. Nothing more to lose and the entire world to gain!

Crossing the border into Tennessee for the first time since my parents died was even easier than expected. No fan fair, no second thoughts, just a line drawn in the sand to differentiate one state drifting to the past and another, pulling me towards my future. A flash of memory invaded my thoughts and left as quick as it came. If I was truly going to move on, the past needed to feed in the rearview.

An ever persistent knock came again breaking the silence.  The echo running through my mind like a tether to reality reminded me it was only an hour until wings up. The well deserved spa day was over and it was time to go back to a cacophony of constant banter, vocal conditioning, instrument tuning and logistics. Hours of travel sprinkled with mindless conversations that warrant future discussions would soon fill my ears, drowning out the trills and turns of Bach's violin. For a second the thought entered my head to miss the flight... by mistake of course- and continue my melancholy day minute stacking upon minute. Say to hell with it all and just, be done.

But I didn't.
It's complicated.