Could it be him?

no more cigarettes

"So, tell me. How come you decided to come to work? Wait, I hope I didn't sound mean..." Xiumin says rubbing the nape of his neck. Clicking the spent ashes from my cigarette, I look into the plain blue sky and answer, "Sehun wouldn't want it. Sehun wouldn't want me to give up on my dream- of becoming a music video editor. So... that's why I decided to come..."

Xiumin extinguishes his cigarette and goes for another one, a ceremony that would go on as he pretends to listen to me. He was evidently mad at me for not informing him about my long leave. "You could have at least informe- never mind. Also, I've decided to stop smoking. You too should stop.

Pressing the end of the cigarette to my lips, I exhale. These were my only food. At least, I assumed them to be. These never made me hungry and these never helped me feel less nervous. These- are cigarettes.

"Anyway, here you go. I found this while practicing and thought the right person to have it was you," Xiu says handing me a red iPhone. "Wait, is this... Sehun's phone?" He hums in response and looks at my eyes that were welling up now. "I DON'T WANT IT!"

" I DON'T WANT ANYTHING RELATED TO HIM! Every time I see something (vaguely) related to him because all this happened because of me."

Xiu clicks his tongue in (irritation) and grabs my shoulders. Shaking my body he whisper-shouts, "Leah. Get a hold of yourself. How long are you going to blame yourself that has nothing to do with you. I want you to get over this... please Leah. I really mean it. I know it might be hard but it's always worth giving it a try. Always. And remember you have so many people there for you. By blaming yourself, you're just gonna end up losing others as well."

-

Sitting on the bus, fiddling with Sehuns phone, I look out of the window and sigh. Clutching my fists, I take a deep breath and enter his birthday as his passcode. No luck. I try once again with his company ID number.

"24122003?"

I hold his phone in shock. I couldn't get myself to cry and that was making everything worse. The physical pain in my chest was immeasurable. Clutching my chest I look at the wallpaper. It had a picture of Sehun holding my hand. And the passcode was my birthday.

I was the one who misunderstood everything. He saw me as a friend. A friend he didn't want to lose. I shouldn't have pushed him away. I open the 'notes' app and type...

Dear Sehun,

This is me... umm... Leah. Your bestie. I just wanna tell you that I am following my dream and will never give up. And hey! how dare you click a pic of me without my permission? I just hope you're safe wherever you are and don't forget to practice your choreography!

-

Opening the door I chime "I'm back" and look at Baekhyun pack his clothes. "Oh, you came?" he says and continues packing.

"Yah! What are you doing and why are you wearing such fancy clothes? Where are you going? Or wait I told you I'm not letting you change rooms!" I shout.

"Noona, remember I auditioned for Park Hyung Sik's new movie? Apparently, I got selected. So I'll be leaving at 5 in the morning. Oh, btw the shoot will be taking place in Chicago."

Even after an hour-long explanation, I couldn't process anything he was saying. All I understood was he too was leaving me. And at this point, we were screaming at each other in the kitchen. Me, scolding him for not informing me and him, scolding me for not letting this slide, and being happy for him.

"So you're saying that you're not happy for me?"

"Baekhyun, I never said that. Stop coming to such conclusions. And do you even mind apologizing to me for not telling me any of this?"

"You never asked me!"

"Seriously Baekhyun? How do you think I would about any of this!"

As the argument gets heated he takes a few steps forward shouting at the top of his voice. I take steps backward and my back hits the kitchen countertop. Neither was my voice any lower. "Baekhyun, firstly stop screaming at me. You think-"

"Fuck it," he says looking at my angry eyes. He presses fully against my body, grabs my face, and smashes his lips against mine.

Pulling me closer, he deepens the kiss and parts his lips. Closing my eyes, I kiss him back and grab the hem of his shirt. He presses his forehead against mine and moves his hand against my lower back. I slide my fingers into his ruffled hair. His lips were softer than anything I've ever known. This moment was melting me.