The Stars on the Staircase

Tether After

The potion is just as terrible as Severus had described. In a fog I drift to my classes with no zest for life whatsoever. Even in my fog I dream of him, the desire isn't sexual, the potion is doing its job of killing it, but still Severus Snape's smell and voice permeate my mind. I just want to be in bed with him, to sleep on his chest for the rest of eternity.

My friends ask what's wrong with me and I tell them it's a potion to help with my sleep walking. That it will make me tired enough to sleep more soundly at night. They all tell me that they are worried it's not worth it. I look like death, apparently.

I shuffle through three days this way, it's McGonagall herself that asks me if I feel the potion is worth the side effects. We are practising making mental barriers. I've been building large floral ironwork gates to close my mind to Severus. But the black iron reminds me of him. He is black iron himself, and the swoops and curls of the iron vines are a piece of him as much as they are meant to block him. McGonagall is asking me again if I heard her and I suppose I haven't responded yet. I'm busy making gates and fences, and touching Severus' fingers through the little gaps in the scroll work.

"Alright, that's it! You're not taking your next dose. Get rid of it! I don't even know if you are in there. Can you hear me?" McGonagall is raising her voice at me from her desk while I sit on her sitting room floor meditating on my mental gates.

"Yes...." I say dreamily. "I'm keeping Severus out. Do you see him out there, beyond my gates?" I ask her.

"I'm worried about you, dear. I'm going to walk you to your room. I want to see this stuff drained down the sink myself. I should have listened to him." She takes my arm and steers me out of her office.

"Have you ever been in love, Professor?" I ask her.

"That's not really an appropriate conversation to have out here in the hallway." she laughs.

"Because... I don't think I love him, you see. But sometimes it feels like I'm acting like I am. "

"Shhhh, dear. We can talk about this in your room if you like."

"I just feel like... I need to be there. Beside him. And yes... there's the sex thing..." I slur a little in my fog of uninhibitedness.

"Hush." McGongall scolds.

"But I don't think I'm like....in love. You know? He feels like a friend to me, but with more...."

"I don't think, dear, that whatever word you intend to use at the end of the sentence is meant for my ears." Minerva stalls.

"No. I know it's you. I know who you are." I say, pointing at her practically drunkenly. "I'm trying to make you understand how he makes me feel. Because he is so grumpy. You know how he's grumpy. Just a grumpy grumpy grumpy guy." I stop to giggle at the word grumpy as it passes me by. "Anyway he is grumpy and yet he is soft. He is nice. He is stern but in like a sexy way. And I really think-"

"Alright here we are dear, just hush for a moment until we get inside your room. Lets not spill everything to your whole house." She's steering me by the shoulders because without someone to hold my arm these past few days on the potion I tend to wander aimlessly.

Behind my closed bedroom door she sits me on the edge of the bed and takes all the vials of the foul beige liquid to my sink and unstoppers them. I wave to the disappearing contents from my bed. She brings a cold cloth and lays it on my forehead, pressing my shoulders back into my pillow.

"I have been in love." She tells me, holding my hand while I start to fall asleep. "Many years ago there was a very strapping man who was a bootlegger of illegal drinks. He was selling them to my students when they visited Hogsmeade. He and I got into quite a row and before I knew it I was being kissed. And I hadn't expected it and I hadn't imagined anything but hatred for him but there it was. That kiss grew into quite a spicy little affair."