The Heist of Revelstoke

A Regular Goddamn Saturday

After we got all the bodies cleaned up, and the smell of rotting assholes out of the warehouse, we sat in Jacob's man cave in his garage. "Ahh, it seems like just yesterday we were here thinking about how to open that vault door." Eric said. "Yeah, but now we gotta think about how to get that fucking money back. Hey, I get a cut of that, right?" Zack laughed. "Nah, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But seriously, we need to think of something."

I perked up. "Hey, what if we hire someone to ind the location of the Militia bunker? It's somewhere in Revelstoke, but no one knows where. Not even the government." I called up some people, asked around, and eventually got into contact with a woman named Victoria Macmillan. She was about 5'7, shiny black hair, black lipstick, a black sweatshirt that read "Arson is Fun" in red Comic Sans font, and a red skirt that went to about the midpoint of her thighs."Well, it seems pretty wrong, but if I'm getting $50,000 from this, who gives a damn about morals?" Victoria said to me as we were discussing the plan over coffee.

I drove her to our hideout, and she was in awe when she stepped out of the car. "Woah! You guys hang out here? That's so cool!" It was like she didn't even see the bullet holes in the walls. She walked into the hideout ahead of me, and I heard the guys shouting. "Hey, who the hell are you?" I heard Jacob yell.

I ran in after her. "Guys, this is the girl Victoria I was telling you about. She's gonna help us ind that militia hideout." I said. Victoria nodded in agreement. "Oh, alright, then. Beer's in the fridge, snacks in the cupboard, if you don't like beer, you can drink from the hose out back." Eric laughed to himself. "No, there's a lot of drinks in the fridge. No worries, take what you want."

Victoria grabbed herself some water and I grabbed a bottle of sweet tea. We sat at the table and got to discussing. "So, the irst thing we're gonna need to do is to ind that Militia leader's IP address. If they have as much gear as you say they do, there's no doubt that they have a ton of computers, and a router to go along with it. I just need to find the name and IPv6 address of the router, and then you guys can go in and liberate, and I say liberate with heavy implications, liberate the money from the Militia!"

"Yeah, that's all nice and good, but where are we going to start looking?" Jacob yelled from the other room. "Maybe we can wait until we ind out the next Militia job, then follow them back to their hideout." Victoria changed her tone. "But then you won't need me anymore! You seem cool, aside from the bank robbery and the killing people and the breaking out of jail."

"No, no, you could maybe hack open the doors to the base! Or you could help us with computer stu? I told her. "Oh, yeah, ok! That sounds cool!" I drank the rest of my sweet tea and chucked the bottle into the recycling. "Fuck yeah, three-pointer," I said. Victoria giggled quietly to herself.

"Hey dumbasses, wrap it up, we're going out." I yelled into the other room. "Yeah, yeah, give us a second will you?" After about 15 minutes, they were all ready to go. We packed ourselves into Victoria's car, which was a Nissan Armada, so we all it comfortably.

"So, do we have any word on what the next Militia job is going to be?" Eric asked from the backseat. "Uh, no, no we do not." Victoria said.

"Wait, so why are we in the car then?" Zack asked. "Oh, I just wanted to go get food." Victoria laughed and turned on the radio. Going Up the Country by Canned Heat was playing, so we all started singing along. We got to the drive thru of the Jack-In-The-Box, when we heard a menagerie of sounds from behind us. An explosion, screams, and a whole hell of a lot of gunire.

"That sounds like the Militia, let's go!" I yelled. Victoria jumped the curb into the road, and sped towards the smoke that was wafting up from the jewelry store. "Aww, I wanted to get my burger though." Jacob said sadly.

"There'll be time for burgers yet, my good lad." I said jokingly. "Right now, we need to get the location of that Militia base." We got to the jewelry store, and we saw the Militia's trademark black van pull out of the alleyway. We followed behind it, winding through twists and turns.

Eventually, the van stopped at the back of a warehouse way out on the docks, so we got out and followed them in.

We snuck around the side of the warehouse, and found a staircase that led to the upper level. "Hey, what're you doing here? This place is for authorized dock workers only!" We turned around to look at the voice's source. "I said: What are you doing here? You guys have to leave." The man looked innocent enough.

He was wearing regular dock worker clothes, which were beige coveralls, and one of those bright orange and yellow construction vests. "That's it." the dock worker said. He began to reach towards his left hand pocket and began to pull out a gun.

Jacob had managed to take a rusted bar of the railing o, and thrown it at the dock worker. He yelled in pain. Lucas and I lunged at him, and wrestled him to the ground. I punched him in the head over and over, and he was trying to scream for whatever backup was around, but Lucas was covering his mouth.

He eventually stopped flailing, and I rolled him into the water. "Wow. Just wow." Victoria said out loud. "Yeah, just a regular goddamn Saturday for us." Eric said.

We made our way up the stairs, and ended up in the warehouse ofice. We walked by a display case, which held the titular suit of armor that the Militia Juggernaut wore. The smaller case next to it held the M249 SAW that he used to tear our warehouse into swiss cheese.

I opened the case, which wasn't alarmed for whatever reason, and slung the M249 over my shoulder. Everyone else just stared at me. "What? We might need this." I said indignantly. "Pfft, yeah fucking right." Jacob laughed.

Just then, we heard the door opening, and we scrambled to hide. I tried to shove the M249 back into the case, but I wasn't able to shut the latch in time. I watched from my hiding spot as a man with a clipboard walked in and sat down in one of the ofice chairs. "Cyka blyat, do any of these people actually do any work?" he said to himself. The voice sounded really familiar. Then, the man turned his head to the display case, and I got a good look at his face.

He had a scar going from above his right eye, going across his eye all the way down his nose, to the left of his mouth. His right eye was milky white, and something told me that he couldn't see that well. "Goddamn it, who to-" the man put his head in his hands and breathed a sigh of annoyance and impatience.

He quickly walked over to the door and yelled "WHO THE FUCK TOUCHED MY GUN? WAS IT YOU, MORRIS? PHILLIPS, GET MORRIS THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. KILL HIM IF YOU HAVE TO, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT." His voice was deep and booming, and his Russian accent made it all the more scarier. He slammed the door and walked back into the room and slumped into his chair.

Then, I realized who the man was, and why he was so agitated about people touching the M249. It was the Militia Juggernaut himself. I looked around the locker I was hiding in to see if there was anything indicating what happened to the money he stole from us, or anything I can use as a weapon. I found a crowbar, and a dock worker I.D card that seemed to belong to the man. His name was Malachi "Diabolos" Anatoly.

Funny thing was, he actually had Diabolos on his I.D. Like, it was actually typed with his name. "Why don't they do that with driver's licenses?" I thought to myself. "That'd be awesome." Malachi started to walk over to the locker row, and I realized that the locker I was in was his locker. He grabbed the handle, and I pulled my foot back as much as I could in the small space of the locker.

He opened it and I planted my foot directly into his chest. He was knocked back onto the floor with an "Oomph." I jumped on top of him and held the crowbar above my head. "Alright, Malachi, where's the goddamn money?" I yelled. "Ahh, the Horseman, yes? Your money is not here, I have delivered it to the leader of the Militia."

"He's right." a dierent voice yelled. I looked up and saw a man pointing a gun at me. It was the same dock worker that me and Lucas had kicked the shit out of 10 minutes ago. "Gaggh." The dock worker made a noise and spat out some seaweed. "You guys are lucky I woke up when I did, or you would've been murderers."

Everyone came out of their hiding places. "So, as I was saying, the money is with the leader of the Militia. If you would like to ile a complaint, I would love to help you." Malachi laughed to himself. "Enough of this bullshit." I said, and I swung the crowbar into his face.