Forever Yours

Chapter 42

42| Nawal

As he had said, he dropped me off at home and went straight to work. It must have been something important if he went with such urgency. I spread some cheese on toasted bread for breakfast along with a glass of juice.

Suddenly remembering that I was alone and that it would be the perfect opportunity or the only opportunity, I took my purse and left the house. We lived in a lively area and it was quite safe as well so there was a supermarket along with a pharmacy just at the end of the street, within walking distance. It felt awkward browsing the aisles for the right section until I finally found the rack with various pregnancy tests. There were all kinds but it wasn't like I was experienced in the matter so I grabbed the one with the most promising packaging and went to the counter to pay for it. I was thankful for a lady cashier working as well and she was kind enough to briefly guide me on how to take the test as there was an instructions booklet already in the box.

As soon as the test was in my hand, I was already shaking with nerves. Just a small test could determine the course of my entire life and I wished to have someone with me for support. My first thought was instantly calling Sarah over but I realized that we both weren't those two, unmarried best friends from college who would be at each other's service whenever the other one called and she was expecting her own child too so I didn't want to bother her but I could call her so that's what I did. I put her on video call and told her that I had finally purchased a pregnancy test and she squealed in excitement, even in her heavily pregnant state of seven months.

She had to wait as I went through with the steps of the test until she was consoling me and calming my nerves while we went through the three-minute wait for the results. I was pacing the length of the bathroom, occasionally coming out to the bedroom, my eyes never leaving the timer that I had put on my phone. The only words that were circulating in my head were that I wasn't ready for this, to become a mother. But looking after Ibrahim, even if it was for three days, made me want a child of my own but I felt like I was treating a kid with the importance of a toy that I could get from the shop whenever I wanted.

"I think the timer would be done by now, go check." I might have no realized as the timer went off and hurriedly yet slowly went into the bathroom where the test was lying on the countertop.

"Well? What is it???"

"It's... negative?" I was confused myself. Those symptoms... Were they all false? The moment I saw the single line of the result, my shoulders sagged. Not in relief but in disappointment. It felt like I was more than ready to be a mother as soon as I saw the result.

"Nawal, are you disheartened or happy that it's negative?" She cautiously asked as if not wanting to add fuel to whatever I must be feeling.

"Of course, I'm disappointed! It's so weird. I wasn't ready to be a mother but when I saw a negative result, it felt like I could never be more ready to have a baby." I threw my hands up in exasperation before a tear slipped out of my eye. Why was I even crying? I wasn't ready for a child right? Looks like Allah listened to my thoughts about a blessing he was about to give me but took it away.

"I've been so ungrateful, constantly thinking about negative things, how could I have been pregnant when I neglected such a blessing?"

"Babe, calm down. You've got your entire life to be a mother. It hasn't even been a year to your marriage. Chill." Her words weren't doing anything to lessen the pain and hate I felt for myself right now.