Damned Love!

Hospital

No, NO, NO , NOOOOOOO, Prachi is not going away from me. She is my strong girl!!! She will fight and come out of this healthy. She cannot go away from me!!!
I cannot lose her. Please God, noooooooo............Darknesss!!!!

Ahhh, why is everything so bright!!!, Suddenly, the light dimes, there are so many people hovering over me as I try to open my eyes. Trying to get up from the bed, I see a boy standing there looking straight at me worriedly in tears. He looks like Ranbir, no he is Ranbir. Why is he...........no, is Prachi........., did my daughter........alone,.....is the fight .......over,a hundred thoughts crossed my mind, I cursed myself for not being there with her in her last moments. Will I never see her again just like my kishmish!!! I started trembling. No......No.....I gave up.....not my Prachi, not my daughter again!!!!

I fell back, flooded with memories of my Prachi. Then, he came by my side, held my hand and asked me to calm down!!! To hell with that calm down, who was he to tell me not to grieve!!!
I almost jerked my hand, when he again said, "Aunty, please calm down and rest, Prachi needs us to be fine for her. If you go weak, how will .........", he couldn't continue.

I wanted to say, to ask him if it is indeed true, but I don't, I can't. My brain is too fogged to think about anything . Words won't come, If I try, that will be my breaking point and I can't break, not now, not when my daughter........I look at him again, trying to control my tears, my eyes give away all the pain. I think he saw the pain and longing and the void that I felt that moment. He seemed different. I looked upto him, his eyes had sincerity, he seemed calm as if he has made peace with the universe. He looked hurt as if there is nothing to live for and yet he is living. All I saw was pain in the eyes- He knows it is all over and yet he is trying to be strong, to show me he is strong emotionally and worthy of my daughter, that he loved her and her family with all his heart even when he feels as empty as I do. Somewhere, I feel guilty for prioritizing my pain over his. But, I just cannot

"Aunty, do you feel better now 'physically'?"
I chuckle mentally when he emphasized on the word physically. How can I feel better when my daughter......... I couldn't continue the statement, even in my head. I felt giddy again.
"Can I see her once?"
Before I could continue, Shahana barged in and hugged me. She was scared of losing Prachi and maybe me. She had neither slept nor stopped crying. She looked frail. Maybe, she was scared that once again in life, she will be all alone. Prachi's not there, and I am as good as dead now.
I looked at Ranbir with longing eyes- I wanted to see her once, just once before it is all over!

Ranbir did not say a word when he accompanied me to the ward. He was different. It felt like he grew up from a young carefree kid into a responsible man within a few minutes. He loved Prachi- she changed him for the good. We reached the ward. I didn't have the strength to go inside. I struggled with myself. Ranbir was standing at the door. He came to me and held my hand and looked at me. I never felt as vulnerable as now. But that one moment of support, is this why people long for their kids-- Emotional Support from someone dear?

As Ranbir was about to open the door, Prachi!!!!!!!

I felt weak !!!! I couldn't stand!!!!!Tears filled my eyes, I couldn't see anything. Everything blurred, My judgement clouded. God was playing this joke on me. I, have to live without my daughter and I am not even able to see her one last time. In that blurred vision too, I could make out someone...... My dearest daughter was lying there still...............feeling nothing- no happiness and no pain!!!!!

There was nothing left. A lone tear escaped my eye and the realization dawned upon me.........She's gone, she won't come home and say, Ma, I am back....and run to hug me..She will never come back.............It's all over!!!! I have no one to live for, no one to live with. Kishmish is gone, Prachi's gone, he's gone, everyone left me!!!

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