Falling

Chapter 45 Flashback

*Heavy trigger warning*

This chapter contains PTSD flashbacks, rape, suicidal ideation and thoughts, and hallucinations. It gets dark so please skip if those things trigger you.

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After Ashton warned me about Clover I was a lot more weary of her. I don't wanna just pretend I don't see her or cut contact because we're in this confined space so it's just better to get along. Thinking all of this seems crazy because we just met yesterday.

Today, Clover is supposed to be teaching me how to knit. Mom and Dad are also gonna be visiting today which I'm kind of nervous about because it's always depressing when they visit me in these kinds of places.

"Hiya!" Clover said poking her head into my room. Ashton already left for breakfast so it's just me and her.

"Hey"

"Sooo how was your first night? I know it can be a little rattling with the guards flashing lights into your room every hour"

"It was fine" I looked down at my hands that had somehow traveled to my arms and were digging into my skin. I immediately shook them off and looked back up to see Clover standing in front of me looking down at me.

"You okay? You seem off" She said bending down to eye level.

"I'm fine" I said putting my hands behind me.

"Are you sure?"

"Your really close"

"Am I?" She said leaning in.

"I-

"Come on, we're gonna be late for breakfast if you keep dragging your feet" She said ruffling my hair and pulling me out of bed.

We walked to the cafeteria and met up with Donna and Birdy and sat down at their usual table after grabbing our trays.

"So Jackie," Donna said looking up at me. I stopped eating and looked back at her.
"Why are you here? What'd you do to end up in a place like this?"

"I don't really wanna talk about it" I said looking back down at the table.

"Oh come on. It's not like any of us can judge you"

"Why are you here Jackie?" Clover chimed in. Donna smirked awaiting my answer while Birdy just quietly watched.

"It was a lot of things" I said quietly. I thought about Cali and Becky, I thought about the door, I thought about Violet and Mandy, the whole situation with Kenny, running away, all the flashbacks. I'm awful.

"Like?" Donna pushed.

"I did bad things and I hurt people" I thought about Victoria and what I did to her brother and I started to tear up.

"What are you like 5? Just tell us what you did" She said getting frustrated.

I felt them all staring at me. The kids at school, the voices, my family. I'm disgusting. Im so awful. No one loves me. No one cares about me. I should just die. Yeah. I should kill myself.

"Jackie?"

This static sound filled my ears as well as the whispering of my former classmates.

"There all so loud" I barely whispered.

"Who?"

"Break"

"Your pathetic"

"She's disgusting"