Racing into the night

Four

"Have you ever thought about death?" One day after getting to know each other way better he asked her to which she just laughed and shook her head, giving -are you joking right now vibes

"Look at my pictures and I think you will know the answer" she wiped her face on her sleeves as she drew another drag of cigarette between her lips as he did the same

"I have too..." he whispered as he looked at her painting from the corner of his eyes as he laid his head on his arms. "To be honest as I grew up, every time I made my mum sad or angry I begged god to kill me that night, because I believed I didn't deserve living.." he laughed dryly "as I grew up my parents divorced, both became really selfish and I was the one stuck between them, none of them thinking about me or my feelings, I grew up blaming myself" this time as he whispered the story he wasn't looking at anyone but the grey asphalt that was beneath them "maybe my trauma isn't as great or severe as others but as kid I felt a lot thinking I deserved to die everyday and I didn't have any right to smile as both of my parents were suffering, maybe that's where everything went wrong in my head" he was going to drag cigarette in his mouth again as he saw it was almost burnt out, taking another one and replaced it as he drew his head closer to hers to alight it again with hers

"Our life sucks but here we are. Maybe if something didn't go in our heads we wouldn't be here talking to each other right now, so maybe instead of dwelling on the past think about the future?"

But she knew that her words sounded nonsense, to which she wanted to smile bitterly about. She knew that she lived without waiting for the next day or planning to live next day. And the boy knew. She said those words to push him while she wasn't even trying to push herself again not anymore.

But he did not say anything, just stayed quiet and enjoyed some Japanese city pop music with her which was slowly played on the vinyl player.

"What would you change in your life? Like if you were given the chance to go back in time and relive from specific point what would it be?" He asked

"Maybe from when I decided everything was dependent on my painting when it wasn't? Like my painting wasn't even that important to me, but I decided I couldn't live without it anymore. I could have tried to try another stuff but I strictly decided that if I ever stopped drawing I'd die.. like you know bets with your own self that if you don't something you die? Like have you ever had that kind of thing?"

"Oh yeah I have... especially when I'm cooking. I'll be like if the onions get roasted well before I jump 30 times I'll die or that kind of stuff"

She laughed out loud at the dumbness of her friend, couldn't even stop laughing at him as he added more dumb stuff he has had bet on himself with. However when she stopped laughing she realised she considered him as her friend now. She called him friend and something skipped a beat inside her, she felt more happy and sparkly, maybe feeling the new start

"What about you though? What would you change?"

"I don't know. Many things since I regret many? Such as I would comfort my younger self that it wasn't his fault for his parents divorce, or maybe protect my sister from getting in accident and stopping her from crossing the road that day when no one paid attention, I don't know," he smiled softly as she tried to search for words, but couldn't find any and just hugged him, after all sometimes actions can talk better than the words.

After that both of them called it a day, it was exactly 1:12 in the morning. Her house was nearby and so was his.

As she slumped down on the bed, she couldn't even fall asleep, just like that still in her light clothes she always wears and even the shoes on, not taking them off and not even bothering.

She does not know how long she was in the same position, just looking at the same spot for over and over again while not even thinking. Or maybe she thought so much she just doesn't really realize she was thinking.

After some time she got a call and that was when she looked at the time, it was 3:20 in the morning, so she wasted 2 hours worth of time just doing nothing.

After she answered the phone it was him "can't sleep?" He whispered as you could hear the busy streets beyond the phone

"Yeah, sleep is nowhere near me"

"I'm at our spot, more like your spot, like where you draw but I think you get the idea" he laughed as he breathed in shakily

"I thought you went home?" She sat up, already leaving the house because she didn't feel nice about it.

"Yeah yeah I know but I he urge to come here and just you know look over"

"Why won't you look at the paintings before I come there?"

"You know which one is my favorite one?" He asked again as she was already in the lift, couldn't really hearing him

"Hmm? What did you say?"

"The last picture you drew. It's my favorite one, it makes me feel alive and loved"

Which one was the last painting again? She drew so many in the past days that she lost count and couldn't even remember what she was drawing

And she pushed the doors open as she saw him beyond the railings hanging on them by just one hand.

"You are already here, come join me" he smiled brightly as she joined him, standing like him beyond the railings as she was only supported by the small ground beneath her and railings "if I jumped from here, would you join me?"

"Yeah, I would" she whispered as she was looking down from the over 30 floors seeing the cars rush through the empty streets as always

"Really? Why?"

"Because dying alone is way worse than when you have someone to die with"

"Then let me ask, will you double suicide with me? Right now, will you jump with me?"

She looked behind her, looking at her paintings and everything that she created in last years and then looked at his eyes, looking deeply in them and with a glance to see where his hand was she took it and just nodded. She really didn't have anything else to lose after all.

And they jumped. Both of them together. The impact of hit on the hard concrete was so hard that she could feel her bones crushing, she heard someone scream and she tried to look next to herself to see him but there was no one. Nothing. Just her on the ground and she laughed bitterly to herself.

The last drawing.. it was him. It was him she was working on the last time. Maybe she felt the painting so much that she started bringing it into her life, after all she was crazy painter.

Even though in the end she died alone, she died with the embrace of the person she created in her mind.