Double the Trouble, Double the Love

depression - chapter 9

The longer I stay in this hospital bed, I more I process what happened that night and who died that night. The fact that I even made it alive is shocking.
I want to seek revenge of who killed her. It's been so depressing without her. I miss her so much.

I was snapped back into reality from Billy snapping his fingers in my eyes.

"Y/NNNN! Y/NNNN!" I slightly jump and dryly sallowed. I wasn't feeling happy anymore. I didn't smile or even look at Billy.

"Sorry.." I mumbled. I looked at my blanket covered feet at the end of the bed. My face was dull, my tone was dull and I had no energy.

Billy noticed how down I was and he furrowed his brows.
"I just bought all this stuff and now you're like depressed."
"Shut up, Billy." I gripped my blanket to try and hold back my tears forming in my eyes. This wasn't the first time I had cried over the thought of my deceased mom.

Billy's expression changed when he realized I was holding back tears.

"Wait what's wrong?" He got down on his knees and reached for my free hand.
"Nothing." I looked away from him in embarrassment. I don't like to cry in front of people. I wiped a singular tear that managed to escape my eye. That's when all the tears broke free. Like someone turned on the faucet to my eyes.

"Y/N, what's wrong?" Billy whispered while still reaching for my hand.
I was full on sobbing now, I couldn't control it anymore. It hurt so bad knowing I'd have to live the rest of my life without her.

"Like I said! Nothing!" I snapped at him. I didn't mean to. My emotions are all over the place.

"Are you PMSing?" He raised both his eyebrows and looked worried yet curious at the same time.

I was dumbfounded. My crying didn't stop but I slowly turned my head towards him with a look that only you can make when you hear something dumb as hell.
I was a just a little angry at that too.

"So?" He shook his head slightly with that same stupid look on this face.

I slowly rolled up the magazine that I was reading earlier. I started smacking him in the head with the magazine.

"Are you serious?! Just because someone with a uterus is crying doesn't mean they're on their period! How can you be so dumb?"

"Is that a no?" He asked rubbing his head.
"NO I'M NOT ON MY PERIOD!" I smack him one more time in the head. I sighed and wiped the tears off my face.
"I would like some candy though."

"Only if you tell me why you were crying." He gave me a stern look. I wasn't going to let Billy pry me open like that.

"I changed my mind, I don't want candy." I grabbed my magazine and continued reading.

Billy scoffed in disbelief, rolled his eyes, and just left without a word. I could sense his anger leave the room when he left. My shoulders felt lighter.

Once I knew he was far away from my room, I broke into tears. I gripped the magazine and just let the tears roll down my cheeks.

I hadn't cried this hard in so long, not since Mom and Dad divorced. I just let it all out. There was no words for how I was feeling besides empty and alone. Even when Billy and Stu come to visit, I just feel invisible. Like a ghost.

—

Lately, my mood has been down. I'm not as cheerful as usual, not smiling as much- not even getting up as much. Talking to Billy and Stu feel like a chore. It's so exhausting but it's so simple? Some days, I would fake-sleep so I wouldn't have to talk to them.
I don't know why I've been feeling down lately.

Maybe it's because I've been in this cold room for almost 2 months. Who knows.

It gets hard some days to do simple things, like eating and drinking and brushing my teeth. I'm just rotting in my bed, waiting for something to happen.