The pretty boy from the song (Boyxboy)

Chapter 20: Seven minutes... In a closet with you

Sam's perspective
The party is so crowded, I don't know how I will be able to handle this. Parker notices, so he holds my hand. "Hey." He says. If you need some fresh air, we go ok? Just give me the sign." I smile. "What is the sign exactly?" He thinks for a minute. "I don't know... A thumbs up?" I roll my eyes, but roll with it. "A thumbs up it is..."

When I get my first glass, a boy is staring at me. He is smiling at me, so I want to go over there. Because that's usually my sign. But Parker stops me. "Hey, what are you doing? You can't walk to a random stranger." I frown. "And why not? This is a party, we should meet new people." He shakes his head. "No, because I'm fairly sure that I'm the only straight person here. That's not fair for me. Besides, he's probably only looking to hook up anyways." I smile."Yeah. Me too." I want to go, but he stops me. "Hey wait wait wait no please! Don't go..." I frown. "What is your problem? Do YOU want to hook up with me? Because if you want to let's go, but don't tell me who I can or can't go with." He doesn't say anything, but when I want to find the guy, he's making out with someone else already. "Great. Are you happy now?" I tell him, walking to the drinking table. He walks after me. "I'm sorry! Here, I'll get you a drink, ok? We can have some fun." I frown. "Other kind of fun..." He frowns back. We both laugh. "Alright, dance with me." I say. He shakes his head. "I can't dance." I shake my head back. "I can't either. But I've heard that everyone can dance, come on." I drag him to the dance floor.

Parker's perspective
I'm at a party. I'm at a party and I'm wearing make-up and I'm dancing and I might... Have had a little too much to drink. See, I know that because not one thought I have is silent or stays in my head even if I want it to and I can't help but to smile. I look over at Alex and Jason and... Sam. I look at Sam. They all look happy too. And Sam looks so beautiful. To be honest, he's the most beautiful person there. Wich is totally unfair, since I'm the one wearing red lipstick. I mean I think, because it stained a few bottles. Rayne asks us if we want to join a game of 7 minutes in heaven. I don't really know why it's called heaven, since it's just a small dark closet room with the doors closed. Not so much heaven... But Sam wants to join and I don't really know what's happening but I want to join wherever he goes. The first bottle spins and some people that I don't know go in and we just laugh and dance and talk about whatever. When they spin a second time it lands on Sam. Wich makes me incredibly sad, since I don't want him in a dark closet. He should be out and proud. But the bottle spins and it lands on me and I think that's nice. Because he will have a friend there. Oh fuck. It takes me a minute to progress. I have to be in there with him. He looks at me and smiles. He looks surprised. "D'you wanna?" He asks, but he sounds hesistantly. I nod, because I want to.

They close the door. We can hear them laughing for a bit, but it fades after a while. We nervously chuckle. It's really dark in there. Sam comes a bit closer. "Where are you?" He giggles. "I'm here." I giggle back. I reach for him. When I feel his hand, I just hold it. "There you are." He says. I don't see him, but I know he's smiling. Because I learned how he sounds when he smiles. He softly grabs my hand tighter. "You know we're just holding hands now, right?" He says, giggling. And I'm suddenly very aware of it. "Yeah." I chuckle. "Do you want me to let go or-" He goes. "Do you want to let go?" I ask him. "No..." He sighs. "Do you?" I shake my head. I know he can't see it, but I need to confirm to myself. We sit down, next to eachother. I put my head on his shoulder. I don't know why, I just want to. He softly runs his fingers through my hair. "Hey, can I ask you a question?" He asks me. "Hm? Yeah?" I say. "Why are you so jealous?" I laugh. "What? I'm not!" He chuckles. "You so are, first of Daniël, now of the guy at the party-" "Well I saved you from that one." I mumble. He doesn't say anything for a bit. "Parker." He says. I don't know what tone he uses. I can't make it out. "I don't know." I say, and It's all I can say right now. "I don't know." I repeat. "Did you mean what you said? Would you have hooked up with me if I said yes?" I ask after a while. "No. Because I wouldn't want that with you. Not like that." I frown. "What would make me different?" "I don't know Parker, you just are. I don't know." He sighs. I don't say anything for a bit. "Why don't you ever kiss me?" I say it so silent that I think it's coming from my head. It's only now that I realise that it's not. Because he heard me. "What?" He asks. I startle, because he does so, too. "I don't mean hooking up, I mean just, kiss me. I'm sorry. It's just that I think you like me but you never act on it." He sighs. "Because you're straight Parker, remember?" I look at him. Or I pretend... To look at him. "If I weren't and I asked you to, would you?" "Would I what?" "Kiss me?" He sighs again. "Yes. Probably." "Could you? Kiss me? Can we... Try?" I want to hit myself. "No." He says. And he says it so fast that I can't help to feel hurt. "I'm sorry." I tell him. "No, it's not that... But we're both drunk and I'm not gonna take advantage of you. Because that would be wrong. That's not how I would want this to be. And I know that's not how you would want this to be when you're sober." "So you would if I were sober?" I need to know. Because I might someday. I might someday have the courage. "If that's what you would also want, yes. Altough you're probably going to regret this alot when you're sober again. I will probably too." He laughs. And I laugh too. Not because it's funny, but because he's right. A tear falls onto my cheek. I try to cry in silence, hoping he won't notice because he doesn't see me. But he does, notice.

He puts his arms around me and holds my hair tightly. Because his fingers haven't left. "I'm so messed up. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking messed up." I cry. "You're okay." He says silently. "Hey, you're okay. There's alot going on in your life right now, okay? I understand. I'm here. Don't worry, you're okay." And his soothing words help. "You were really beautiful tonight." I tell him. "You always are." And it's the only thing I'm sure of. I can pretend as much as I want to that it's because of the alcohol, but he just is. I'm so messed up but he's so beautiful and it's all I can think about ever. It's all I have always thought about. And for 7 minutes, I know why they call it heaven. And I know... Why they call it a closet. But I can't drag him into mine. Because he's so beautiful and he doesn't need to go through that. If I want him, I need to work on myself when I'm sober. I need to make sure to figure this all out, because if I don't I might screw up every chance I have. But what do I MEAN by that? Daniël told me there are more sexualities. I need to learn more. I will, learn more. I'm so confused...

Not too long after we were in the closet, we all went home. It wasn't too late but we had to wake up at 9 tommorow, wich is pretty early when you just went out. Sam and I fell asleep in that closet, we woke up by Jason and Alex giggling. They were alot more sober than us and they helped us get home. When we got home the alcohol had cleared up some more, my thinking process was alot more clearer. I'm brushing my teeth right now, just thinking. Thinking about everything that happened tonight. He walks in, putting his head on my shoulder. I lean on him. "Come sleep." He says, softly. I spit my toothpaste out, wiping my mouth. I can't help but to look at his lips. I smile. He does so, too. We both look in the mirror, his head back on my shoulder. It's like it fits. I look at my face. The makeup still looks so pretty. "You're really good at that, you know." He smiles. "Thank you."

He moves his head, getting some makeup wipes and remover he took with him. He gives me some and wipes his own away. "I was just gonna leave it on to be honest." I tell him. He dramatically widens his eyes. "NEVER. Sleep with make-up on." I chuckle. "Noted." I want to throw the cotton away, but he takes it from me. "Here." He softly wipes away the last bits of black and blue and pink away. He wipes the last bits of red from my lips, wich I have now noticed is still on. He softly holds my chin in his hand. "Can't believe the red is still on." He says. I look back at his lips. "Yeah." I say. He looks into my eyes. How is he always this beautiful? I look back in his. He just stands like that, a bit. We both do. He shakes it off, taking my hand. "Come on, sleep. We should sleep." I nod.

He closes the tent. It's pretty dark, but the orangy/yellowish tones of the tent balance back onto us, because Sam brought some fairy lights to decorate. There's not much space between us, but we both built a pillow fort. He pretends to kick it away, wich makes me laugh really hard for some reason. Guess we're both still drunk. I lay down next to him. "Thank you." I tell him. He frowns at me. "Why?" "For just... Being nice to me. Thank you for dealing with me. Just thank you." He softly pushes the fort again, but I hold it in place. "Well, I kind of have to, don't you think? I'm stuck here with you." He teases. I smile. "Hey!" "I quite like being stuck here with you." He tells me. "Stop thanking me. You're less annoying than I thought." I gasp. "A real life compliment." He rolls his eyes, before closing them. "Go to sleep, Parker." So I do. I don't know anything right now. And he replays in my head, over and over.

What are you doing to me, Sam Anderson? I never had any problems before, so why now? Why are you being so nice to me? And why do you keep replaying in my head, over and over and over until I lose my mind? Why do I get this weird feeling whenever I see you? Why can I not stop thinking about you? There are so many questions that I can't answer right now, as much as I want to.

You're beautiful, and I'm just a mess. Do you know that about yourself? Sometimes I feel like you don't. Sometimes I see you when you pass your reflection and it's like you're seeing yourself for the first time. It's like you always have to adjust and deal with yourself, but then you just take a deep breath and go and you never stop being you. It looks so scary and brave and amazing and I love every part of it.

I'll figure it out, whatever this is. Sometimes I feel like you're figuring me out, and I'm just kind of going with it. And I like that, how normal everything is when I'm with you. How I don't have to think about it and I can just... Feel and watch how I react. Is that bad? Is it bad to just kind of feel and not think? Crap, it probably is... But I'm not, though... I'm constantly thinking. I'm thinking and feeling and trying. Just... Trying.
I think about you for a while more, before falling asleep.
You're beautiful and I'm a mess. But I'll be okay. We both will be.