The pretty boy from the song (Boyxboy)

Chapter 8: The mind of a closed book

Jason's perspective

Love. It's a funny word, isn't it? Is it even real? Are there people who truly stay in love together? Who stay in love forever? Or are they just in love with the word itself? Am I falling in love? Or is this just what a real friendship is? Am I supposed to feel this from a friendship? I would ask my old friends for advice. But I don't think that they wanna talk to me at the moment. Or ever. No. I can't think back at that day. I can't. And I can't feel this for him, right? This isn't real. I'm good at shutting down my emotions. So why is it not working right now? Why do I feel so... So... Human?

I wanted to kiss him so badly when we we're laying on that bed together in the store. I wanted to hold him and tell him that he could calm down. I just... Wanted him. But I can't. I can't like him. I can't. And I can't. Ever. Love. Him. Our talk brought my past closer to me than it ever did in these 4 months. Like a catapult it hit me. Like they had hit me. We're back in our room. The clock shows 01:00. He's already asleep. A tear marks it's way slowly to my cheek and then another. And another. Until my face drowns itself and the only thing I can think of is that day.

"You fucking loser. Fool. You just couldn't act normal for a day, could you? You fucking fairy. You piece of shit. You're nothing. You're just a fucking piece of shit. All wrapped up in this rainbow ribbon of yours. You loser."

My nails make marks in my arms. It happends unknowingly, it's what I do when I get anxiety attacks. Maybe I can wake Alex. He has them too, maybe he can help me. NO. You CAN'T wake him up. You can't be that selfish. You're ALWAYS selfish.

"You selfish piece of shit! Did you really think I loved you? Do you really think that? Look at me! Im a man! That's not how things work! Do you all just go hunting for guys of 50? Get yourself a wife! Fucking loser."

My sobs become louder. No matter how hard I try to hold them in, to control them. They just keep on coming.

A kick. Pain. A hit. No pain anymore . Let go of the emotions and don't allow for them to come back ever. No one will hurt you anymore. Because you will love no one anymore. No love, no pain. Next day. A black eye. A broken rib. I find his eyes. A fight. Expelled. But no emotions. No tears. No pain.

"Jason?" I hear Alex turning to face me. He blinks his eyes a few times and looks confused as he looks at me. "Are you okay?" I hide my face between my legs and my chest, sitting with my back against the wall. "Yes." I try. I'm not. He waits. I hear him move. He's not convinced. The weight of my bed changes as he sits next to me. "I said I'm fine." I try. "You're not tho." He tries touching my shoulder, but I shake his hand of. "Just leave me alone." Please don't leave me alone. "No." He says. I turn my head to look at him. I'm also a little surprised, he doesn't look shy at all right now. He looks a bit sad. And I did that. I hate the feeling of making him sad. Maybe I am selfish.

I start shaking again. He pulls me to him and holds me tight. "I'm going to hold you, okay?" He says softly. I nod and start crying louder. And it keeps on coming. He pulls me even tighter. I'm mad. I'm so mad that it makes me want to scream. So I do. "It's okay, let it all go." He says softly into my ear. So I do. "It's so fucking unfair!" I say. "It's just so fucking unfair." He takes my hand, still laying down with me and hugging me. Our fingers intertwined.

When I calm down, I look at him and try to move a little further away from him. He doesn't let me. He just keeps on holding me and holding my hand. "I'm sorry." I whisper. "It's okay, and if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here. Take your time." "I will." I sigh. "I'm so sorry." He smiles sleepily at me. "Don't worry, I'm here." I take my hand through his thick white hair, that almost lites up in the dark. He smiles even more, and I can swear he's blushing again. I'm still a bit shaking. And he's still holding my hand. It's comforting. I take my other hand to move my finger slowly on the edge of his nose, feeling it, tracing it down until I'm above his upper lip. "You're beautiful." I tell him. He is. "He smiles at me, still holding my hand and putting a lock of hair behind my ear. it's still a bit too short to do that, so it falls almost immediately back in it's place. The place he touched tingles. I close my eyes. He's different. He's so different. And he's so beautiful. I can feel him move closer to me and it makes me smile. "Is it okay if I sleep next to you? "He asks. "Sure." I smile even more. "Are you going to be okay?" He says, after a few minutes. "Depends. Are you going to hold me all night?" I ask. "Yes." "I will be okay, then." I smile. He giggles softly. Then he moves closer, and gives me a little kiss on my head. Cute. "goodnight Jason." He says. "Goodnight."
He is love.