Lessons That Gave Me Heart Ache

Love is the only thing that matters♡

I was like 5 when i started remembering properly and thats when the struggle began, getting in trouble, not really getting caught, but when I was I sure got yelled at good. Going through melt downs because of my moms emotional abuse, outbursts and anger the usual stuff.
My aunty thinks my mom has ptsd that triggers her at times and irritates her. She had a rough past and i understand that because so have I.
My sister, i always looked up to; she was so cool in my head. Makeup, nailpolish, music, and stickers on all of her things. I had no idea she was doing drugs and her boyfriend was like 15 years older then her and a drug dealer who got her knocked up at the age of 20 and was beating her up.
She always had random anger bursts when she would abuse her kids. And yell at me like crazy where I had melt downs and cried myself to sleep because I felt really attacked, judged, and hurt on another level.
And with my mom, I just felt like a failer at being a good daughter the years went by and it turned into feeling like a failure as a person.
I was exposed to sexual content at the age of 11. I just got addicted and grew up way to fast, always looking to learn new things and sometimes those things scared me and made me insecure, like puberty which I went through by myself.
Dealing with periods at the age of 11 not knowing what it was or anything. Having the need to shave my legs and body shame myself because the other kids would look and whisper to each other about my body.
I always got the curage to make friends. We would disagree and fight sometimes or I would cling to them. Most of them would go to me for support or someone to back them up, but I was yelled at alot at home and judged and no one ever taught me how to be supportive because i was never supported myself, just taught to be the best, the smartest and which i was not.
Not straight A student at least.
Always felt like an outcast, and so were my friends but we had a lit time.
When i went into highschool i clinged to my best friends, and most of them clinged to me. Just didnt get that kind of care at home or by any family member.
Just laughs and fun and thats it.
When i got into a relationship for the first time thats when things got complicated for me.
Being codependent, and not knowing what i was even doing, just getting to know someone and have fun and expirience things with them.
It turned out those friends and that boy thought of me as a bad friend, and annoying.
But i sure brought some good times. And that means something exquisit.
Younger friends were always the easiest to talk to, be myself around, never felt judged and i understood the vibes with them.
With those ones who were my age, i always had to put on a mask on, act how they acted, talked how they talked, liked what they liked.
And at the age of 12 i began smoking weed, it was an adding product of being happy, something different, like anime.
So i clinged to friends, smoking, watching anime, and my relationship.
Because those things gave me something more then just pain and seriousness and my mom talking, venting to me about my dad and my family, and getting told to shut up.
I learnt things, grew, by going through the struggles of a relatioship and friendships because they were deeply hard to go through when i wasnt perfect for them to be around.
I was a loud mouth because they were, and they enjoyed it. Something more then just life.
I never seen it as something bad or anything just silly gossip, and it got backs turned to me.
Graduating was like a lift of being in prison. And i was so relieved that i didnt have to go through my mom yelling at me about skipping class, failing classes, and dressing like a prostitute.
Going through her throwing away my drawings, my clothes, just my belongings.
Feeling so alone, and trying to be perfect and dwelling when i wasnt. Melt downs, cutting, wanting to commit suicide.

When i started going to go college i moved into the dorms with my highschool swearheart and i broke up with him a week into it because i fell out of love.
Been cheated on to many times, dealing with his anger and just being disapointed way to much and i moved onto another guy. One i knew for a very long time.
He just made me feel emotions on another level.
We moved into a place 3 months into our relationship. And i just started going through times getting drunk and high on another level.
It was fun, and i loved being free. But i failed my classes my mom chose me to be into, and i dropped out, same time covid came around.
And i found out the love i was in was deeper then i thought, we fought, we argued, we felt pain; and he looked at girls on vsco and masterbated to them behind my back.
Basically a sex addiction.
I never felt so much pain and disappointment after the shit i went through with my last 3 year relationship, but my new relationship, he had gotten out of the same and she was my ex best friend, same with my ex, he was my boyfriends ex best friend too.

And then time froze, into this pain and disapointment and loneliness.
2020, 2021, and we broke up and the pain increased when we got back together.
He lost his dog, and it was so sad and tragic.
I lost my cousin to suicide, one i hadnt seen in 5 years, and i caved into such deep depression. Just working and feeling numb smiling and trying to keep myself going.
But hell, was it the hardest thing i ever went through.
More suicidal then ever.
I think i became an alcoholic, smoked lots, just did what i could to enjoy life with friends and family.
By that time i had to give my dog up, i coukdnt take care of him anymore. I knew he loved me and thats just what made it so much more harder.

I had an awakening, a spiritual awakening.
It made me see the world as a really fucked up place and just not how i did when i was younger. The world wasnt as smart as i thought.

I got unemployed moved into my cousins place, took care of theyre house and animals at times. Walked them and etc. So many different mood swings it feels like for long periods of times.

I got pregnant, went through new years 2022.
My relationshion still going. Its almost been 3 years, this october 2022.
Got cheated on alot, and just so much long distance shit while i was pregnant. I kept sober and it was the hardest shit i ever been through. So depressed. Low iron from not eating right.
We both hurt each other in this relationship, and i had my baby boy.
He is the perfect boy.
So precious, and im on anti depressents now.
Things have been so hard, and all i have is healing to do. Being able to keep going and clean up.
I love cooking, i try and cook whenever i can get out of bed.
Really hard to do things and be around family. I isolated myself for so many years and just being around people for to long just feels out of place.