A young adult

August 1, 2022

What a way to start August right? With ball of tears.

Just feeling tired today.

And I kind of want to talk about something.

Something I couldn't talk about especially on my twitter account.

Today I watch something that had the suicide side. And it got me. Pulled out tears from my eyes. Because I remembered myself. And I felt incredibly sad for me.

And then last friday we talked about a friend who was suicidal. I was so jealous. I was so jealous that he could say it to people. That and felt so sad.

When I was in it deep, I don't even know how to help myself. So I couldn't really help. That person is special to me in ways he doesn't know. One time in 11th grade. I did feel like I was on edge again. That person noticed. Of course he probably doesn't know what I was thinking but he did noticed I was a little off.

And then my friend nonchalantly said it in a conversation. I couldn't bring myself up to ask about it or even acknowledge it. I don't know if she noticed that. Because if I did, it will remind me of who I was before and that would make me incredibly sad.

I think I'm just naturally sad today because I'm on my period. Or am I making excuses to justify my incredible sadness.

You know those things I see on tiktok that in order to heal yourself you have to heal your inner child. And there is something the me before have always wanted to do. I wanted to tell someone how I'm feeling. I have told people thru  chatting. But It doesn't feel real that I have.

When I was depressed, there is one thing I have always wanted. That is to tell someone and just cry. Throwback to that schoolmate who have seen my face post cry hahahahahahahah. She didn't say anything but I know she knows I was crying my ass off. It was that bad. I used to lie not feeling well so I could cry in the clinic alone. I remember hearing a teacher's whistle as I was covering my mouth trying not to make a sound that I was crying. My tears wouldn't stop that day.

And then I got better holding it all in.

I am doing a great job being open now but not about this yet. Well I told the story kind of. But not the in the moment feels. But I do wish I could just say "hey, the past me is creeping in my head and I wanted to cry".

I don't have those kind of feelings anymore. I just feel really sad that the me before haven't really healed. That's  why I'm having episodes like this every now and then. The old me felt abandoned like she really didn't really ascend and I just left her behind. The spiritual people call this the shadow work. Where you have to let the past you heal even those feelings are no longer relevant.

Even if it was an old wish of mine . Because I didn't do it then, the me now still carries the same wish. To tell someone and to cry.

August blues? Hahahahahah