A young adult

May 15, 2020

Wow it took me almost a year to update this again. Well I've been busy and I was on twitter. And I had several accounts and it helped satisfy my journaling crave. And now I'm here because I just want less noise.

So short recap. I'm in college, had some new piercings, had a fucking tattoo, and I turned 20. Also so into beanies because having your hair down oh shit I cut my hair pala. Hahahaha after 6 long years I no longer have braids or a bun. I dyed my hair, met my favorite college teacher that I bravely asked to be my friend even if I got really weirded out by myself. Had a lot of new friends. Mentally stable. Also thinking into transferring to another course if I can. And now facing a pandemic, in the house 24/7 with a broken sleeping pattern. Oh and a month before the pandemic, I read a book that fucking ruined me and it still is as of today. And my pamangkin that I love so dearly turned one and can walk now. Hehe.

Since there isn't really any events and I'm not out and about, I will be talking mostly about past events. May it be years ago or a week or even a few seconds. I mean technically all I have wrote are of the past haha.

But I'm here because of a book that I just finished reading for less than a week. I started reading kanina mga 6 am and I finished it mga 10 am and now naa ko sa book 2 na hahahaha. The title of the book is "The program" it's fiction and the book is all about suicide being an epidemic. And the victims are the teenagers and if they show signs of being suicidal they are sent to a private facility to "cure" them but what it really is is to wiped out some memories that are painful.

And I wasn't planning on reading it because the only available version I downloaded was an ebook and the letters are way too small for me. But I did and I couldn't stop. And I know why I am so hook with it. Well it's suicide and other depressing things and guess what? I'm into that because I may have been in a similar state.

So the year was 2017 and I am not sure if what I experienced was depression, I'm not really an expert. But I do know I wanted to die. Lol. I don't know why I felt that way to begin with. It just happened. One day I woke up and realized how life is inherently better without me. And to every problem I faced, dying was the first solution that came in mind. The feeling was all very foreign to me and I was also experiencing other emotions. And everything was overwhelming that I wanted to die. Before my grand plans of how I should die, I reached out to my trusted friends and boi I'm glad I did because I might not be writing right now if it wasn't for me reaching out. And now I'm thinking how bad it really was because it is the first and the last thing I think about every single day. Ceo of fake smiles and fake mental health. Yeah I guess it was bad, I'm just realizing it now. I could go into details of what I have experienced but honestly I don't wanna relive it so I'm gonna cut it here.

And boi if you're out of it, you'll know. Because you won't know who you are. Like legit forgot what my personality used to be because honeey, I'll never be the same. It was odd. It was empty. It was like being suicidal was my whole personality. But it somehow worked that I am in 10th grade and I have a choice to switch school. And I did. AND BEST DECISION EVER. My sh life was like my healing period. I developed other things I like, I made best friends, I was genuinely very happy. It's nice not waking up thinking of wanting to die.

That was basically the short version of my story. I'm trying to think if I was in the book I'm reading. Would I choose to have a fresh life with no recollection of any pain or live with it knowing that I'm capable of feeling that way that it may also happen again. As much as I want to have a cheerful and funny life, I wouldn't exchange my dark humor that I probably developed from that experience hahahahahahhahaha. But I know for sure that I would not feel so lucky and very appreciative if it wasn't for it. I do have to work on my anger issues though.

Fx.