Depressed warbler

Part 1 1196

Sebastian's POV
It's been a week since the Jackson off, Santana told the warblers that Blaine had to get surgery because I tampered with the slushy. They have been ignoring me or glaring at me ever since. I know they hate me as they should, hell even I hate me. Blaine was the only thing closest to a friend I had and I managed to ruin that too.
I haven't talked to Barry after the incident because I know he'll be able to tell something is wrong and I don't want to disappoint him. He is the nicest person to ever exist and I almost blinded a person. He'll be ashamed to be related to me when he finds out.
Sleep comes very hard these days. Night terrors make sure I don't get more than 2 hours of sleep, more than enough to survive.
Today I woke up feeling and looking horrible. Thad was already gone like he always is when I wake up since last week. I did my routine and used a bit of makeup to hide the dark circles.
I went to my classes as usual I tried to focus but I couldn't with various warblers staring a hole into my head.
During lunch time I went to sit at the warbler table. Soon as I sat a new recruit sitting right beside me fell off his chair I looked at him and all I could see was genuine fear. He was afraid of me. Like genuinely terrified of me. I took my full plate dumped it and left the lunch room. I made a beeline for my dorm. I knew they didn't like me or were annoyed by me but knowing they were afraid of me truly hurt.
I became a bully. The one thing I'd been running from is what I turned into.
After that realisation the rest of the day is muddled in my mind. All I remember after that is I skipped dinner and cried myself to sleep sometime late at night.
In the morning I realised I had a missed call from Barry I texted him I had a lot of school work and i didn't have time to talk. Which was of course a lie. Then did everything as usual but I didn't go into lunch. It's probably a good thing since I've gained weight.
Today in warbler practice no one bothered talking to me and just did their own thing. I ignored the fact that them not needing me as a captain anymore hurt me more than it should've.
I've decided I will resign from my post and maybe quit the warblers after regionals. They don't need me anyway they just needed a leader to replace Blaine and I had the perfect timing to join Dalton. Maybe then they will be happy and stop glaring at me.
I was just thinking this in French class when madamoiselle interrupted my train of thoughts. "Sebastian mind telling us the answer to yesterday's homework" shit, I didn't do the homework "I-I didn't do it madamoiselle" fuck, where did that stutter come from. Sebastian Smythe didn't stutter. She told me to meet her after class and motioned for me to sit, but i could see the clear disappointment in her eyes. I could feel the eyes of the warblers in this class on me but ignored it.
I feel like that's all I can do these days disappoint people, Blaine, the warblers now the teachers it's only a matter of time that I disappoint Barry and-and dad and Joe, soon they'll realise they're too good for me and leave. I don't wanna be alone. I can't be alone.
I dreaded the end of the class, what if she wanted me out of advance French or tried to take me off the lacrosse team or maybe got me expelled. I started biting my lips from the anxiety. I know it was irrational thinking but i couldn't help it. Finally class ended after what felt like years.
I went to madamoiselle when the last of the students filed out. "Hello Sebastian, I've noticed you seem a bit out of it these days. Everything alright?" I was gonna say I was fine when I thought was I really?? No I'm not is what I wanted to say but I knew I couldn't. I can't let my emotional mask falter. Maybe I was quite for too long. "Sebastian, you okay?" "Yeah I'm good" i said flashing her a fake but believable smile. "Are you struggling with homework? Do you need to be transferred to less advance course for French?" "No" I almost shouted "no, no I'm fine I just forgot about the homework" she looked like she didn't believe me but said "okay, I'll take your word for that, and if you ever want to talk about what's wrong you can always come to me" "there's nothing wrong but if there is I'll come to you" I lied smoothly"okay you can go now and you are excused from homework for the rest of the semester" "can you do that?" I asked shocked (if you get the reference I love you) "yes I can, I can do whatever I like" "I-I.... Thank you," " no problem you can leave now" I nodded and left.
Looking at the time i realised I was late for warbler practice. I ran to the choir room, walking in late for the first time ever, i was breathing heavily from the running. I was just catching my breath back when Thad asked where i was. But before I could answer some junior warbler said "probably making out with some sophomore" and my words died down in my throat.
I then realised how it must've looked. I was breathing heavily, my hair all over the place, cheeks flushed and my lips red from the agonizing wait for French class to be over.
A few warblers chuckled at the comment while the others glared at me thinking the accusation was correct. I ignored the comment and started the practice. Don't know why but they seemed surprised, actually I do know why, they were expecting a snarky and rude reply but I wasn't in the mood and i didn't have the energy to snark. Now that I think about it I've been feeling tired ever since i stopped going to lunch, yeah it wasn't really a one time thing like I thought. I don't eat breakfast since it's too early in the morning and I like my sleep better than food. So i grab dinner most of the days and drink myself to oblivion in scandles on the others. But i hadn't eaten yesterday too. So felt even more tired, but i can handle it.
The practice went smoothly except for a few more insults and hateful comments towards me all of which I probably deserved so I ignored them. I went to my dorm right after practice and cried myself to sleep, I know I deserve to be hated but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I woke up a few hours later it was dark out. Looking at the clock told me I'd missed dinner. Oh, well I'll just have dinner tomorrow then.