Depressed warbler

3

I came back to Dalton picking up some makeup on my way cause i knew I'd be needing it. I went to my dorm quickly thankful that no-one saw me and Thad wasn't in there .i took the make and went to bathroom. Looking at myself i felt bile rise in my throat, my face was badly bruised but not swollen, small mercies cause that would've been harder to hide. I took off my shirt to see my torso littered with bruises and a few cut. I took a shower and applied makeup as it was about time for warbler practice. I went to the choir room on time.
No one wanted to practice so I let them be. Everyone decided they wanted to sing random but relatable songs. Once they started singing I tuned them out and started thinking about Barry and central city, my thoughts soon drifted towards the way the warblers had been treating me. I tried not to think about it. I looked up when I heard someone call my name.
It was Jeff. "Hey you should sing too, you're our captain after all" judging by the other warbler's faces, they didn't want me to sing but they also didn't want to upset Jeff. Oh that ball of sunshine. I smiled that at the thought that at least one of them wants me to feel included.
That smile soon faded when Thad said "ugh why him. he's probably gonna sing some whorish song about sex" a few warblers chuckled. "I don't want to Jeff" he looked sad and said "just one song please" "it's just a song dude, why do you have to be rude" Nick defended "Okay" and with that I started singing the song I most relate to. I know this would probably make them question if I have feelings. But that's nothing a few insults from me won't fix.

It's the guy from the one band
Cigarette in my left hand
Whole world in my right hand
25 and it's all planned
Night out and it's ten grand
Headlines that I can't stand
But you only get half of the story
The cash, and the cars and the glory
No sleep and we party 'til morning
'Cause nobody cares when you're boring
I'm just like you
Even though my problems look nothing like yours do
Yeah, I get sad too
And when I'm down I need somebody to talk to

Yeah, I feel the same as you do
Same stress, same shit to go through
I'm just like you
If you only knew
If I had it my way, pub lunch every Sunday
Cheap beer and it's okay
I wanna lay where she lays
I wanna stay in these days
Gonna smoke and it's okay
But you only get half of the story
The cash, and the cars and the glory
Just like everyone else here before me
'Cause nobody cares when you're boring
I'm just like you
Even though my problems look nothing like yours do
Yeah, I get sad too
And when I'm down I need somebody to talk to
Yeah, I feel the same as you do
Same stress, same shit to go through
I'm just like you
If you only knew
I looked away while singing the next part.
Every heart breaks the same
Every tear leaves a stain
Can't I just be the same?
Every heart breaks the same
Every tear leaves a stain
Let me be the same
I'm just like you
Even though my problems look nothing like yours do
Yeah I get sad too
And when I'm down I need somebody to talk to
Yeah, I feel the same as you do
Same stress, same shit to go through
I'm just like you
If you only knew
If you only knew

I left the choir room once I finished. It hurt to sing, i guess I underestimated my injuries. I went for a walk to clear my head. News flash it didn't help. I saw two brothers walking down the street, doing brotherly stuff and it made me want to bawl my eyes out. So I decided for it to be a small walk and went back to my dorm. It was about time for dinner when I made it back. As soon as I reached my dorm I broke down in tears. I've been crying a lot these past few days. I went to take a shower. A long well deserved shower. I contemplated putting makeup back on as I was only supposed to be sleeping now. I didn't have energy to go down for dinner. Finally I decided to use the makeup as Thad would be coming back soon. I went to my bed to read before sleep. 10 minutes later Thad entered the room, his eyes scanned around the room, he looked at me with anger and disgust, mumbled freak and went to the bathroom. My eyes started burning with the tears i didn't want to fall but it was too late. I don't know why I'm crying I'm already used to this kind of behaviour towards me. I figured i couldn't stay there and risk Thad see me like this, crying. I grabbed my phone, wiped my tears and ran upstairs towards the most calming place of Dalton, the roof. Fortunately i reached there without bumping into anyone else cause i don't think i could've handled that.
TW
Sitting on the ledge, crying, all i wanted to do was jump but i can't risk surviving. So i got down from the ledge, and cut my hand on the way down with a nail by mistake. Blood started to trickle down my palm. It looked so beautiful and the physical pain felt better than the emotional pain. So i sat down and took a sharp stone sitting on the roof and cut until i felt satisfied. Once i was done there were 17 cuts on my arm, bleeding heavily. As i stood to go back a dizzy spell hit me and i had to use the ledge as support to stand.
TW
I can't do this anymore. I want this to be over. I want to end it. We're the only thoughts going through my mind. So i took my phone and called Barry for a final goodbye. i feel like an ass doing this over phone but i just can't take this anymore every one has a breaking point i guess I've reached mine. It went to voice mail making me realise it was 1 in the morning. So i left Barry a voice mail.
"I sorry, I'm so sorry Barry i don't want to leave you, you're the only thing that has kept me together for so long but this far from you i can't, this is the end for me. But please go on without me. I love you" I'd started crying at some point but i didn't care now because i was talking to Barry and maybe Sebastian Smythe doesn't feel but Bas Allen does. Barry's Bassy does. There was a beep and the voice mail ended.
I decided to say goodbye to the warblers too. I started a recording in my phone. "I'm sorry. I know i don't deserve your forgiveness but i want you to know that I'm sorry. maybe now you guys can be normal again without your disgraceful leader. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for all i put you people through, for the insults, for the slushes, for being a slave driver, for bringing shame to the name of the warblers, for what i did to Blaine, I'm sorry." I said into the phone my voice breaking towards the end. I decided to end the recording, my suicide note, with a song.
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing?
You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?
And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

With that i ended the recording, sent to the warbler chat. Exited the chat and i started sobbing, the full on ugly sobbing, i tried to calm myself and headed towards my room. Thad was already asleep.
TW
I went to the bathroom, locked the door, broke my new razor, took the blade and settled in the bath tub. This is it I thought and slid the blade across my arms vertically. After one cut on each arm i was dizzy the wounds made on the rooftop had stopped bleeding but now they'd started again. I was losing consciousness, fast.