Memory Book

Stress Center P.1 - Little Angels

(TW: Implementation of SA from past S/O, Mental Hospital stay, Trauma, SH, Sewerslidal thoughts, Bad staff, ED Mention, and Mentions of religion.

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'Stress Center', that's what they refereed to the psychiatric unit for in-patients.

Due to it being my first ever time to a 'Stress Center' I was in the short stay area, this meant that my stay would be three weeks at max, and I had to do some crazy shit to even have to stay that long.

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Some info:

•• I was in sixth grade

•• I got in for cutting myself

•• My birth father whom I hated (or thought I had) died

•• My last ever words to him were "I hate you, and don't ever call me your baby girl"

•• Was with my first ever boyfriend! that would have been a happy thing! If it weren't for him being abusive mentally and sexually.
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A lot more was happening as well, but going into that seems unnecessary to share in this entry.

The staff was rude, using slang like 'bro' got you yelled at if you were talking to the staff, you weren't allowed near the windows to watch the sky, we were only allowed to eat a certain amount, even if you had an Eating Disorder. The food always came late, we were hardly allowed to hang out together, and there were so much more.

Because of lack of sunlight my skin had paled even more, which was a consequence I felt with for a long while after the stay.

We were all told when we got there that we could come out of our rooms and talk to them at night if needed, but they yelled at you if you did. I once did just so I could have some water and they glared and told me to hurry up.

If you cried in the place where I went, they didn't care.

The therapist was cruel, I remember him relatively well. He is a reason I hate comically designed ties. He told me, "Stop acting like you are going to kill yourself, either you do it so your family can deal and then move on, or don't so your family can be happy without having to hear about this stuff." he always wore these stupid ass ties.

There was one lady however who I never knew the name of, she was like a goddess.

All I remember was that she was round, short, and wore glasses. She had a hazelnut completion with her natural curl in her hair that went to just a tad above her shoulder.

Every night they would check on us in two hours intervals and would check our vitals two hours before breakfast was supposed to come. Until the food got there (even if it was late) we weren't allowed out of our rooms. Every night, two hours before wake-up time, she would come in and check our vitals and she always felt bad that she would wake me. While my roommate would still be sound asleep she would quietly check my blood pressure and more as she would stroke my hair.

"You may rest my little angel, it's not your time to go back to heaven yet."

She would smile and brush my hair out of my face, "It's not your time yet." with a final squeeze she would pull away and go to my roommate to test her vitals.

While she probably did that for every person who woke up during the checkup, I couldn't forget it. I never saw her besides at night.

I don't believe in a heaven or hell, I'm into Wiccan and Pagan, I have yet to decide on a God if I'm being frank. But the warmth of her hands, the way her voice spoke as smooth as silk, she had crows feet at the corner of her eyes to signify how much she truly smiled, and the kind words she spoke every night will forever be engraved into my memory.