Heartbeat

Heatbeat: Healing

It had been two years since I had lost Renesmee, but it still only felt like it was yesterday. Maybe it was because I thought about her every day, scared of forgetting everything we had together. Maybe it was because I wished I was there with her. Whatever it was, I wished the pain would go away. After the first year, I went from been numb to pain and at times, I wished I was still numb. It was better in my eye to pain. I wanted to forget, but I also wanted to remember, and I knew, if I forgot, it would only cause even more pain than what I was already feeling. 

Exactly after a year of her death, I called Bella and told her how sorry I was. She was just happy to hear my voice and she wanted me to come home. It seemed to be that things had fallen apart between her and Edward since Renesmee died. That had to be hard on her. 

The day after leaving, I signed up to be a donor. I didn't know why, but I just got the feeling to do it. I guessed it had something to do with Renesmee. She had needed a donor and didn't get one soon enough. It felt like the least I could do. 

Like I knew I would, I went back to my old life: partying, drinking, and getting into trouble. I know, I knew better, but it felt like it was the only way that I could cope. I forgot the pain when I was with music. It was another thing with Renesmee. Music, was what she thought was life. She thought how incredible it was to change your mood from low to high. I felt like she was with me whenever I played music. I felt like some of the music I came across was messages from her. I felt like someone was always there watching over me, and I was pretty sure that I knew who it was. I talked to her all the time. I know, it sounds crazy, but I just felt like she was there sometimes, walking along with me. I would suddenly feel happy like when she was with me and warmth would come around me. I knew it was her. She was the only person to have ever made me feel like that. I never felt like I was alone, even when I was in my apartment building.  

After running off to Seattle, I quit phasing. I hadn't been in my wolf form since I had run off, and I think that slowly my inner animal was dying. I felt the cold now and the heat. Also I never heard my inner animal pushing me into the things it wanted to do, nor did it push to take control of me, but I still healed fast like before. I guessed that I could still phase, but I was worried that if I did, I would never turn back to my human form, as I knew just how well my inner animal could take over my emotions and pain. It could deal with things far better than I ever could. 

I was walking down the streets of Seattle. My leather hoodie covered me as I walked through the heavy and cold rain with my hands in my jean's pockets, just trying to keep warm. I shivered as the icy wind kissed my cheeks and left again. The skies were dark as midnight and it felt as if there would be snow soon to follow the rain. I could feel people's eyes on me as I walked down and through the streets. I never looked up for to see who or what was under the hood. I guessed they wondered if I was up to no good or not. I couldn't blame them for wondering, but I also didn't care what they thought. I didn't care what anyone thought anymore. If someone didn't like who I was, they go to hell as far as I was concerned. I wasn't going to change for anyone. 

I don't know why, but suddenly my hand moved out of my pocket and into the cold rain. I didn't feel like I had any control over its movement. My hand was wet and cold for a brief moment and then it became warm, like someone was holding my hand in theirs. Then the same warmth spread across my lower back like someone was holding me close to them. My shoulder also got the same feeling. I smiled, suddenly feeling like I used to. I knew who it was with me. 

"Hey Ness," I couldn't help but murmured it. I just felt like she was there. Maybe I was going crazy with partying so much and drinking so much, but I didn't care if I was. It was a way of coping as far as I was concerned, even if it was crazy. The second I said her name, I could have sworn that there was a tug around my waist, like I was been held tighter against her. I wished that I could have held her back. I just wanted to feel her again. See her eyes. Touch her soft and warm skin, and have one final kiss upon her full beautiful lips.